Letter.

What do you feel when we kiss? Is it mundane? I think not, judging by your moans and whispers. Is it only so so? Is it inconsequential among the kisses of your past? Some stolen. Others sweet.

What do you feel when we touch? When you touch me? Do you feel the electricity flowing through our bodies as I do? Do you feel breathless and wanted and alive? When we are together I don't doubt the chemistry for a second. When we are apart I feel unsure of where we stand. Where I stand with you. Do you feel anything for me? Or just "something"? Do I just fill your time and give you someone to fuck? Or is there more to it than that?

In the beginning, it was just fucking for me. It grew into more. You became my friend. And a confidant. I realized I enjoyed TIME with you. Not just sex. And the sex got better. The connection grew stronger. The last time we were together, alone, I felt my body become alive at your touch. It was so personal. It's not just sex. It's not a relationship. And, I'm good with that. I just want to know if my senses are lying to me.

When we are together I have no doubt.

When we are apart, there are questions.

HNT. Waiting.

I saw Eclectic Listener today. We made plans for Sunday.

I took a little shopping trip for panties to wear for him. It turned me on, the thought of buying something for him to enjoy. What got this little adventure started was him making a comment about how he likes thongs. Which, surprised me because I have asked his opinion of what he would like me to wear before, and he never mentioned this. So, I went shopping. I bought two new thongs and two new hipster panties. (my personal favorite)

He definitely knows how to make me smile. I hope these put a smile on his face.

Taken.

I didn't know how much I had missed him until I saw him again. It was difficult for me to look him in the eyes the first few minutes we were together because I was afraid he would see right through me, and know what looking at him did to me. The few times our eyes did lock, I felt my body tighten up and I gasped a little. It's the kind of intense attraction that doesn't happen very often. I am not sure anyone has had this kind of power of me. I'm not sure power is the right word, but the response my body has to him is second to none.

We stood and talked by his bar for a while. I knew I wanted to kiss him, but we both like buildup and anticipation so I wasn't sure how long I should wait. Honestly, I wanted to kiss him the second I saw him. He had gotten a haircut. I love his hair. It's naturally blond, but has started to go grey. It suits him. The grey hair blends down his sideburns into a perfectly maintained beard. The beard was new. I loved it. He always had a goatee, which looked great on him, but something about the beard suited his face. It took everything in me not to grab his shirt and pull him to me and kiss him.

About thirty minutes had gone by and we were talking and laughing. We are always laughing. He reached across me for something and turned toward me and kissed me. It was unexpected. I felt the effects of that kiss all the way down to my toes. A tingling sensation ran down my spine and I lost control of my senses. All I knew was I wanted his tongue to continue to swirl inside my mouth and feel his hands on my skin.

We went back to talking and watching something on his computer. He lightly grazed his hand up and down my back. This small gesture felt like electricity pulsing through my skin. It was difficult to concentrate. After what seemed like a lifetime, but was probably just another twenty minutes, he turned to me and kissed me again. His hands pulled me to him tightly, I grabbed the back of his head. We were kissing so deeply, so passionately. I sucked his tongue into my mouth and then bit his lower lip. He pulled my shirt down and grabbed at my breasts, moving his lips from my mouth to my neck. I was moaning. He was moaning as he kissed me. "Let's move this to the bedroom," he said.

I laid on the bed and waited for him. He slid in beside me and I couldn't even wait for him to get settled before kissing him again. At once, the kissing was furious and needed. His hand slid down my shorts and rubbed against my mound. I kissed him harder and moved my hips against his hand.

My shorts and panties came off and I felt his expert fingers rubbing against my clit. I was so wet and my moaning was out of control. Just when I thought I would cum, he would move his fingers inside me and I would buck against them. Then, they would move back to the clit. Eventually, he let me cum. But, that didn't stop him from fingering me. He just put his fingers back inside me until I came again. My breathe was heaving. "Are you alright?" he asked. I smiled and managed a "Mmhmm." He licked my wetness from his fingers. That has to be the hottest thing I have ever seen in my life.

I kissed my way down his chest and removed his shorts. I gasped when I saw his dick. I gasp every time. I can't help it. It's so big and hard, how could you not gasp? I started licking up and down the shaft, his precum tasted so good, I wanted more. I took all of him in and moaned with him in my mouth. I felt his hand on the top of my head. I continued to get his dick nice and wet before taking him in again. His other hand found my pussy and started fingering me. I responded by whimpering while bobbing my head up and down on his cock. I love going down on him. That, combined with him fingering was almost too much pleasure. My mouth was so incredibly wet, and sucking him in as far as it could. His body started to convulse and I was still whining and moaning from him pumping his fingers in and out of me. "I have to be inside you," he said. I laid down next to him and said, " I have been on my knees long enough."

He positioned himself between my legs and slid into me. I inhaled sharply and let out a guttural "Ooooh." I heard him mutter "Mmmm." The pleasure was so intense, we were monosyllabic at this point. His cock felt so big and hard inside me. I tightened around him, wanting to feel more. He leaned down to me and said, "Damn baby, you're so tight." And then he kissed me. Deeply. While still thrusting inside me. Even thinking about this now gives me butterflies.

His body continued pounding into mine until he said,"I'm going to cum. Do you want it in your mouth?" I grabbed his hands and pulled him back into me and he came immediately. His whole body shuddered. I smiled between my moans. I love the look on his face when he cums. It looks so relaxed, masculine, and fucking sexy.

It was by far the best sex of my life.

Sun.

So far, the vacation is amazing. I have had a fabulous time with family and friends, traveled out of state, spent some time in the sun, and managed to get a little tan.

The best part is I am feeling more like myself. The stress of the last couple of months has taken a toll on me, and I usually am a pretty chill person. Right now, I feel as though I am sliding back into my old skin and being more like myself. I don't like being in a situation where I start to lose part of my sense of self. It reminds me too much of when I split with The Ex. The time that we were together morphed me into someone I didn't recognize. Being in a abusive relationship changes you slowly over time. I turned into a girl who was insecure, quiet, and afraid. I will never be that girl again.

I used to host a radio show when I was GM of our college radio station. My cohost, Jersey Girl, was one of the best friends I had ever had. We just clicked. When we get together we talk a mile a minute and are able to catch up on the last five years in about two minutes. She came into town yesterday and spent the night with me. When you are going through a difficult time and losing yourself in the process, there is nothing like an old friend to remind you of who you used to be and give you a little perspective. Jersey Girl has done that for me. We are getting some much needed girl time today with pedicures and spa day.

I talked to Eclectic Listener last night. He says he has missed me. I know I have missed him. I miss just hanging out and talking to him. He told me he was hoping to see me today. I hope so. Jersey Girl leaves early this afternoon and I'm free the rest of the day as I am still on Vacation!! I just keep thinking about having him inside me. My body aches for it. I yearn for him.

Vacation!!

I am going on a much needed vacay! I am ecstatic! The last few months have been so stressful, some sun will be a much needed cure.

Not to worry, the blog won't disappear. I will be out of town until Monday. And after that, I am hoping to spend some time with Eclectic Listener. He told me last week that while I was on vacation he wanted me to be at his "beck and call." He better live up to that. I want to see him a few times while I am de-stressed and happy. He deserves a chance to hang out with the real Nik. And yes, I know he reads this...so for persuasion he should know that I will be tan, in new lingerie, and back in town after missing him for quite a while.

I have been dreaming about Eclectic Listener alot lately. I'm not sure what the dreams mean. In most of them we are kissing or we are asleep. I actually dream about him touching my back while we are sleeping. I know its odd, but I think it has to do with the fact that he gives me a sense of security that I am not feeling elsewhere. I appreciate him for that.

I will leave you with a picture.

Everybody Hurts.

I remember watching 90210, and Brenda listening to Losing My Religion after Dylan broke up with her. I got in my car today, after an emotionally exhausting day, and Everybody Hurts was playing. The irony of everyday life never ceases to amaze me.

Pain is a universal language. We all go through things that challenge us and bring out our best, and sometimes bring out our worst.

I feel like I haven't been the best version of myself lately.

Normally, I am confident, effervescent, intelligent and sarcastic. In recent weeks I have only seen glimpses of the real me among depression and sadness following some major life changes. Everything that has been going on with Mr. Nice Guy makes me sad. I hate thinking that it's over. But it is. Unfortunately, we weren't meant to be. I have to move on and find out what my life is going to be without him. I went so quickly from The Ex to Mr. Nice Guy, I never really discovered single me.

Yes, there is Eclectic Listener. And yes, there are feelings there. But, it isn't something that concerns me. I know we both are wanting to be independent now and be with each other only when we want to be. I don't know if it will progress into something more, or something deeper. I think we are just letting whatever is going happen, happen. Organically. We aren't forcing anything. And, I kinda like that. I like the idea of not being lonely, but also not being put into a box. I want to just do what feels right and comfortable for a while. And for now, this does.

Life is such a funny thing. We rarely learn from the mistakes of others. We see their mistakes and think, "That would never happen to me. I'm too smart for that." When we say things like that, I think it makes God laugh. You inevitably put yourself in the very situation that you never thought you would be, and now it's up to you to do the right thing. Or not. I sometimes feel like I am fumbling through life and eventually, I'll hit the right path. I never did things the way everyone else did.

I have to find my own way.

Making Up for Missed Connections.

Eclectic Listener made up for lost time when I saw him last week. I was definitely starting to question if he was feeling the same chemistry I feel. I am usually pretty perceptive when it comes so these things but I was confused as to why he kept canceling on me. Granted, he had legitimate excuses, but I am an over-analyzer.

He invited me over on a day when storms were expected in our area. He has a terrific view, so I was looking forward to enjoying it with him. We are both storm enthusiasts, even if I am not one to go out and chase tornadoes like he has in the past. Tornadoes tend to find me, I don't have to go look for them.

We spent some time talking and relaxing. It always amazes me how good the banter is between us. I find myself opening up to him about things that I don't tell anyone else. The great thing about it is, he just accepts it. I keep waiting for him to say something about me being crazy, but so far it hasn't happened. He did tell me that night that I was "a truly unique person." He also said he had never met anyone else like me. We talked about how we haven't gotten to know anyone as well as we are getting to know each other in a long time. We spend a lot of time just talking and it is interesting to learn the quirks of another person and get to know them so intimately.

I really like him. I'm not sure how deep the feelings are yet, but I know they are there. And, for now, I am just going to enjoy the ride and see where it takes me.

We were laying on his bed and he pulled me to him and kissed me. I love how his body is dominate over mine in every way possible. I surrender myself to him. I like feeling powerless against my attraction to him. When he touches me, my whole body sighs.

I savored the feeling of his tongue pushing its way into my mouth, parting my lips, and causing me to moan. I could hear him moaning as well. I was running my hands through his hair and pulling him even closer to me until I could feel his heart beat against mine. He pulled away. "Whenever you start to doubt my attraction to you, I want you to consider this." He took my hand and pushed it down to his dick. It was ridiculously hard. "Would it get this hard from just kissing if I wasn't into you?"

He was right. That put my mind at ease. His hand found its way between my legs. I was so wet. His finger expertly teased my clit until I thought I was going to lose my mind. I shuddered at his touch. I could feel my hips bucking and lifting off of the bed, and when I came I collapsed. He continued touching me until I came again.

I started to give him a blow job but I had to feel him inside me. It had been too long and I couldn't take it any longer. "I want you to ride me," he said. That was all the encouragement I needed. I straddled him and leaned down to kiss him. My pussy was so tight from going too long without sex. The size of him was almost too much to take. He thrusted his hips pushing himself into me even deeper. I leaned back, enjoying the feeling of utter ecstasy.

He told me to get on all fours on the edge of the bed. He grabbed my hips and fucked me harder than I had ever been fucked in my life. I felt my orgasms come in waves. I could hear his breathing become more pronounced. He started fucking me even harder, and was moaning louder. I tightened around him. "Oh FUCK," he said. "I'm going to cum." I encouraged him, "Cum baby. I want you to cum." I wanted him to have the same mind blowing feeling I had been enjoying for some time. He came and we laid in bed, gasping for air.

I miss him.

Missed Connection.

I have had plans with Eclectic Listener the last three nights and have yet to see him. No, he hasn't been standing me up. Well, not exactly.

Last week we had a fantastic night together. We had made plans for Sunday night and I was confident our drought would end on Sunday. As I was leaving his house, I said something about having Saturday night off. He took that to mean I wanted to change our plans to Saturday. After some discussion, we decided to make our plans for Saturday.

Friday I texted him and asked what time he was getting off on Saturday. He said, "About 3. Why?"
"Because I wanted to see how our schedules matched up for our plans. We do still have plans right?
"Most Likely, I'll have to see what else I have going on."

WHAT THE FUCK!!!

So, I said, "Um, I'm not really ok with that. I don't get many Saturday nights off and I don't want to have plans that may or may not fall through. That isn't really fair to me."
"You're right, I'm sorry. Enjoy your Saturday night."

I was disappointed to say the least. But, we still had plans for Sunday right?

Nope.

He has re-occurring work on Sunday nights and it kept him up super late. I had to work Monday morning. I suggested we make plans for Monday. He agreed.
"These are definite plans right?" I asked.
"Definite plans."

Monday I went to work looking forward to seeing him. Kissing him. Touching him. Feeling him inside me.

An hour before I am supposed to be at his house, I receive this text.

"Well, in the tradition of cancelling on you and coming off like a complete asshole..."

There was more to the message. He actually had a legitimate excuse. I was disappointed. He also told me, "I hate that I consistently disappoint you." and "I won't blame you if you tell me to fuck off with my track record as of late." I told him to keep me posted on what was going on. "I will. If its not too late, I'd love to still have you over. I am really sorry."

I tried to meet up with him later after his crisis had passed, but he was with family.

I hate that I want to see him. I wish I didn't. I wish I didn't want to feel our lips touch and turn into a heated make out session. Feel his strong arms pull me closer to him. Hear me moan into his mouth.

I wish I didn't want those things.

But I do.

I'm waiting.

It's been 15 days.

Making Out.

*Writers Note: I'm listening to the No Doubt song "Making Out" as I write. Inspiration if you will.

Making Out is underrated once you hit fifteen. Which, is sad. Because it's freaking fantastic. I love the buildup associated with it. When you are kissing someone, bringing their mouth to yours and locking lips. There is just something about it that makes you exhale or sigh. It's gratifying and a release. Especially if there is chemistry.

I love anticipation. It makes the moment where you finally get what you want so much more worth it. I think that is why I enjoy making out. It is a foreshadowing of what is to come.

I went to Eclectic Listener's house and we had an excellent time. We laugh so much. Everything was relaxed and, just good. We laid on the bed and talked. He teased me about something, I can't remember what exactly, and I made a comment about how "mean" he is to me and looked down. And by "mean" I mean he calls me on my bullshit and is exactly as sarcastic as I am. While I was looking down he pulled me close to him and kissed me. Hard. It took me by surprise and felt amazing. It was like everything around us melted and the only thing I could concentrate on was us. I grabbed the back of his head and kept him close to me.

Our kisses aren't pecks. They aren't liplocks. Well, maybe sometimes. But, usually its deep, passionate kissing. I MOAN when I kiss him. It's that good.

Let's be honest here. The kissing leads to bigger and better things. We made out for a few minutes and his hand found the inside of my tank top. I wasn't wearing a bra. He grabbed at my breasts, pulled and twisted my nipples. Made me gasp and moan. I thought I was going to cum from him playing with my tits. Delicious.

My hand worked its way down and teased. He made a comment about how I never just "go for it." I have to tease first. And that's true. I touched his legs. Grazed against his sexy as hell hips. Ran my fingers under the waistband of his shorts. Slid my hand inside and rubbed beside his dick, careful not to touch it. I grabbed his balls and massaged them. I took my time. Then I wrapped my hand around his cock and I said, "Ooooh." I know I should be used to it by now, but every time I see it or feel it, I have a reaction. He told me he loves that part. I don't see it stopping anytime soon.

I couldn't stay too late. I had errands early the next morning. But the time we did have was fantastic and leaves me wanting more.

Virgin.

When it comes to sex, what have you done? What have you not done and would like to try? Is there anything wrong with liking or enjoying traditional sex? And, can you like it both ways?

I'm all for experimentation. But, I do not believe it will make sex better. It can make an already enjoyable experience different and enhanced, but not make bad sex good. The only thing that can make bad sex good is communication. You have to talk about the issues, what you and your partner enjoy and find common ground. It's also about chemistry. Chemistry is one thing you can't fake. It amazes me what a difference chemistry makes in sexual encounters. With OMFG and Eclectic Listener there was amazing chemistry. Still is with Eclectic Listener. I had a friend ask me other day, "How do you know when the chemistry is good?" It got me thinking. If you have to ask that question, you've never felt it.

It's a feeling. A charge. Its pliable. Tangible. It's like electricity between two people. The spark. Eclectic Listener and I are good at eye contact when it counts. There is a look that we give each other and its a total "Fuck Me." look. I don't know how else to explain it. It isn't a longing gaze. It isn't staring into each others souls. It's a three second glance. And its dirty. And I like it. This look, this look is a MAJOR part of our chemistry. I'm not even sure if he is fully aware of the look. But every time it happens, I get wet. Immediately. And he is WELL AWARE of that effect he has on me. He can say a few words to me, under his breath, totally unassumingly, and I will get a look on my face. He'll smile and say, "I just made you wet." My response in my head is "DAMMMMMIIIITTT." Because he is right.

Yes, this all ties into experimentation. Because the sex has to be good for the experimentation to work. And for the sex to be good you have to have chemistry. See how I have gone full circle? I asked Eclectic Listener yesterday if there was anything he hadn't done he would like to try. His response? "I dunno, I'm not a whore, but I've done alot. What about you?" I liked his response and it was almost the one I was hoping for. He and I have a slight dominant/submissive thing going on and he knows I like to be told what to do. So, I figure if we are going to experiment it will work better if he knows what he is doing. I have had a few unsuccessful attempts at being tied up, handcuffed, etc. The chemistry and relationship balance wasn't right for it to work. But, I think this time, it will. Eclectic Listener said he already has handcuffs. I said for him to "cuff me to your headboard and go down on me." The thought of him doing that scares me and excites me. I have a tendency to stop him when he goes down on me because it feels so good, it's too much. If I was handcuffed, I wouldn't have that option.

I want to give him something he hasn't had before. I don't mean a new position, or a new toy, but a feeling. I want him to feel a kind of pleasure he has never felt before. I know this is something that will come with time, and the more we get to know each others bodies. I love going down on him, and I will continue to do this. But I want to give him the strongest, most explosive orgasm he has ever felt. The last time I asked, he said I rank in the top 2 or 3 for blow jobs. This made me slightly sad as I take great pride in my BJ skills. I intend to rank number 1. As soon as possible.

I am so ready to feel him. Soon?

*Writers Note--Apparently, in his post orgasmic haze, I don't listen well. Seconds after posting I receive a text from Eclectic Listener. "Great post. But I told you that it was the best BJ I ever had." So, evidently, my sucking dick like a goddess status still stands. Whew, what a relief.

Starved.

It has been too long since I have had sex. I am craving it. Aching for it. The sex with Eclectic Listener is so explosive and amazing that I cannot go long without it. It's been over a week. Eight days actually. But, who's counting?

It isn't that we haven't seen each other.

It isn't that I haven't had his dick. I have. In my mouth.

It isn't that I haven't felt his touch. I have. On my skin.

But, that most primal urge has yet to be released. I need to feel him inside me. Filling me in a way that only he can. My moans. His groans. Sweating. Breathing. Writhing. Cumming.

I need it.

I need to feel his hands on my hips as he thrusts into me hard.

I need it now.

And, I know you are reading this.

I want you. I want you to take me the way you want me. Make me feel what you want me to feel.

Hopefully I will not have to wait. At least, not another eight days.

My So-Called Life.

We all go through those times in our lives where nothing makes sense. The drama unfolds and how you react will completely change your life. You may not realize it at the time, but it's true all the same. Sometimes, small decisions turn into big decisions and suddenly, your life has taken a new direction.

I love this quote. "I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be." -Douglas Adams

I am going to make this my mantra for the time being. I have decided to live my life one day at a time. I am young. The big picture will work itself out. I have always been a dreamer. If you asked me in high school what I wanted to do for a living I would have said, "I want to be President." People would say, "Oh, you think you could be the first female President?" And even 1998, 17 year old me, had the right answer to that. "No, Hillary is going to be the first woman President, I just want to run when I turn 35."

I know its a far-fetched dream, but that's not the point. I had a plan. Undergrad. Law School. Then run for office. But, I met The Ex. And instead of studying for the LSAT, I let those books get dusty and I got married. I was 21. Waaaay too young. I wonder now, why didn't anyone try to stop me? My family threw me the big traditional wedding and now they tell me they knew it was a mistake. Now, I know I am stubborn and a great debater, but was 21 year old me too tough of a match for my mother or any of my sisters? I wish someone had stopped me.

The point is, I didn't end up where I intended to go. 1998 me didn't necessarily think she would run for office. But she thought she would head in that direction. And, to an extent, I did. I have a degree in Political Science. With a Minor in English. Hence, the blog. I love to write. And now, instead of Politics being my main passion, writing is. My life may be full of drama right now, but it's my life. It is full of my stubborn, bull-headed choices. Some great, and some not so great. But, I live my life full of conviction, and I am proud of that.

Mr. Nice Guy and I are separated. I'm taking it well for the most part. I am throwing myself into friends, fun, work, and hanging with Eclectic Listener. I spent three nights of the last week at his house. Didn't plan it. But it was fun, relaxing, needed.

I had forgotten how fun it was to make out until last weekend. The most intense, deep, passionate kissing I have experienced in a long time. Maybe since high school.

I know this post wasn't sexy. Don't worry. There will be plenty more sex to write about.

O.

Cumming is delicious.

I love the way an orgasm builds. It's like a wave. You feel it coming. It rolls, swells and rises. You moan. Your breath comes in short bursts. The wave grows to a crest and eventually crashes leaving little waves in its wake. Some ocean waves travel thousands of miles before reaching land. Some amazing orgasms take that long as well.

I laid on his bed and waited for him to touch me. He laid beside me. I talked and talked, my mouth moving incessantly to fill the silences, and to keep me from concentrating on the fact that I wanted him so much, it was beyond comprehension.

Eventually, I kissed him. The first kiss was soft. His tongue slid into my mouth and I heard him groan. I bit his lip. Every kiss that followed had such an intensity and urgency. It was as if the anticipation of the kiss had made us hungry for more. I felt his hand move down my body, pull my shirt down and kiss my breasts. My nipples responded immediately to his touch. His hands kept moving southward. He removed my shorts and left my pink and black lacy panties on.

His hand was between my legs and I could feel how wet I was. His hand felt so good, expertly teasing me. I remember moving in rhythm with him. My hips were grinding against his hand, and my back arched.

But, not yet. Let it build. Feel the pleasure rise.

He touched my clit. It was so sensitive from the wetness. I couldn't handle it for long. He moved back south. I moaned louder and grabbed his arm. My fingers were digging into his flesh, I had to brace myself because my body was trying to shutter.

My legs started to shake. My moans grew louder. I rode his hand until I came and the wave crashed. My whole body shook and I collapsed, breathless. I couldn't move. Couldn't speak. "Are you ok?" He asked. My only reply was a muttered, "Uh Huh." He laughed. I wanted to laugh with him, but didn't have the energy.
My body was spent, and yet ready to feel him inside me.


*I promise. The blog will be back to regular posts in about a week.

Transitions.

It is now Spring. Spring is such a transition where everything blossoms, and goes from being dull, grey, and lackluster to beautiful and in full bloom.

It is the season of change.

I am personally making big changes. I am trying to decide what to do about the Mr. Nice Guy situation. I feel like this is the most difficult decision I have ever had to make. When I left The Ex, I knew I was ready to leave him and that it was the right thing to do. Mr. Nice Guy is such a good guy, that making this decision is anything but easy. I don't want to divulge too many details, but I am not seeing him in the same light anymore. He is being very irresponsible and it is emasculating him to me. I want a manly man. I am feminist, and it is my right to say that that is what I want. I want a man who can make decisions and be a partner to me.

Is that too much to ask?

In relationships, When is Enough, Enough?

I know that relationships have seasons, just like life. And sometimes there are long winters you have to endure to get to the spring. You get that sense of renewal of your love. I don't feel that way anymore. I was talking to him the other day and I said, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you."

I have never had to say anything to him that was so harsh and crude. But, it needed to be said. I believe in total honesty and I want him to know how the situation is making me feel.

It's not a sexy or fun thing to do. But, it's real.

How long do I hold on and hope for him to change? How long do I wait for my feelings to change?

I may never be IN love with him again.

This makes me terribly sad. We have gone from being such a happy couple to this in such a short time. I don't know how it happened. I want to work through it, but you can't force yourself to be in love.

So, for now, I am going to enjoy Spring. I am going to let myself blossom into something beautiful.

Aroused.

Things are complicated for me right now.

But instead of focusing on that, let's focus on Eclectic Listener.

The second time we were together was different than the first. Things were easier. We talked more easily and I felt more at ease. Something about him made me feel out of control while still feeling sexually powerful. It's a strange set of emotions, but I was enjoyed the feeling of a loss of control.

In my daily life, I try to always be in control. I know where I am going, who I am going with, what the plan is, and I work very hard as a supervisor, so I spend most of my time telling other people what to do.

In the bedroom, I don't want to be in control.

He is a strong man who easily overpowers me, but not in a frightening way. He's tall with eyes that make you want to look into them and you know there is a story there, you just have to wait around long enough for him to tell it.

We sat on the edge of his bed and talked about music and a million other subjects that I have since forgotten. Finally, he turned toward me. I felt myself take a breath in knowing he was about to touch me. First, he complimented my heels. He told me he loved heels because they help make up for our height difference and they are fucking sexy. I couldn't agree more. He ran his hand up my leg and I felt the stirring of arousal surround me.

I wanted him.

I leaned into him and we kissed. The kissing was as fantastic as I had remembered it. He used this opportunity to push me back, onto the bed, and continue kissing his way down my body. Each kiss drew waves of anticipation. I felt like my body was electric.

I removed my heels and undressed for him. He put his hand between my legs and I felt as though I could cum immediately. I resisted the urge and moaned, arching my back. He positioned his body so he could continue to touch me while he kissed and licked and sucked between my legs. I don't know how many times I came because almost as soon as I finished cumming, I was ready to cum again.

It honestly gets a little blurry here.

I remember going down on him. How good it felt to have his hands pushing my head down on his cock. I remember moaning with him in my mouth.

And I remember him fucking me.

From behind. It was fantastic. Our bodies so incredibly in sync as he pounded into me and I met each thrust. The pleasure almost unbearable. He continued, grabbing my hips, I felt myself tighten around him, making him cum.

We laid there a minute, basking in our pleasure.

Moving. And Interview Me.

Today is moving day.

Things have been crazy with work, and my commute is far too long, so I am moving. I'm excited actually even though the house will be a downsize. It's a cute 1940's bungalow in a nice neighborhood, so I can't complain.

But, that means no blogging for a bit. Need time to unpack and get the Internet set up before I can start up again. I am hoping by the end of next week to have some incredibly fun dirty posts up for you.

But, to tide you over until then, Let's Interview Me.
TAG, a fantastic blogger friend, did a fun Interview Me on his blog where we could ask him questions to answer and he would return the favor. So, I am going to answer the questions TAG sent me, and feel free to send me more!

• The President has decided that blogging is so chic that he simply must have a "State Dinner" with a few bloggers. You are not only invited, but you get to make out the list of other bloggers that will be invited. What 10 bloggers are on your list for the President to invite?

I love this question. I would invite Vix from the Over-Educated Nympho, The Taoist Biker, TAG, Sexie Sadie, Kevin, Complicated Kitten, PostSecret, Susannah Breslin, and The Onion.

• One of Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny, The perfect guy who is your soul mate..... (take your pick as none of them really exist...lol)... comes to you with the power to grant you one super power. What super power do you choose?

If I could have one super power it would be mind-reading. I was born without a filter. People tend to know what I am thinking because I can blurt it out at any moment. But, the plus side of this is, you always know where you stand with me and never stand around thinking, "Is she mad at me?" I hate that. Loathe it actually. So, if I could see what other people are thinking this would be very useful. I could walk up to Eclectic Listener and say, "You want to do what to me?!?"

• Your boss has heard some wacky study that indicates that people who listen to music from one artist or group every day at work are more productive. You have been asked to choose the artist or group for the entire office. We know this will only last a month before your co-workers revolt and kill either you or the boss. Even so, you have to choose. Whom do you choose and why?

This is a tricky question. I don't believe I have mentioned this before on the blog, but I used to be the General Manager of a radio station as well as a DJ. I love music. I love making love to music. I love hearing a song and feeling moved by it. But, if I was wanting my co-workers to be productive, What would I choose? I choose Beethoven. Lyrics would grate on your nerves over time. And you would get sick of hearing the same intonations over and over. With Beethoven the pace would vary and enable you to really think and be productive. In college I listened to him incessantly.

• That knock knock at your door is Ben and Jerry. (Yes the ice cream dudes not traveling gigolos with a flair for the kinky. Then again, who is to say what those guys do when they aren't working.) They have noticed your blog and love it so much they want to make their next flavor of ice cream in your honor. The thing is, you have to come up with the flavors. What about it Nik. What are your flavors?

Energetic Existentialist would be the name of my flavor.
It would be a mesh of things that probably shouldn't go together but would somehow taste fantastic. Much like the dimensions of my personality. It would probably be vanilla based as I hate chocolate ice cream, with a hint of cherry because cherries represent something wholesome and to the majority of the American public my first impression is very girl next door. And definitely have an undertone of Red Bull. Because I am addict. I talk fast, walk fast, and am always trying something new.

• A co-worker you despise lies on the floor gasping for air. You are the only person who can save them. It is up to you to act (or not). This person is the bane of your existence and often you have contemplated leaving pipe bombs or poison insects in their car. Now is your chance. You can let them die while everyone stands around watching in horror. Or you can act to save them, thus prolonging your own suffering. What do you do?

Unfortunately for me in this situation, I would have to act. For one, my conscience would come after me. And two, I am a Certified Professional Rescuer Instructor. I can train others on CPR, AED, First Aid, and O2. So, technically I could go to jail for not helping. *sigh*

• In a recent blog post you mentioned not liking a part (or parts) of your body. What parts and why?

I have learned to love my body. I love the power it wields. But there are parts I'm not crazy about. Mainly, I wish I had longer legs. I was cursed by my Father to have short legs and a long torso. They aren't ridiculously short, but I notice it. They are very strong though and I appreciate that. And the second thing I dislike I inherited from my Mother. It is my inability to have a flat stomach. No matter what size I am, it is never flat. We are built with hips, and curves, all six of my sisters and myself. But, in some ways, I think that is beautiful too.

Loss.

I feel it surrounding me right now. When loss is surrounding you, it almost consumes you and makes you feel like your are suffocating in it.

I have had my fair share of loss. Even though I knew it was the right thing to do, and I have never looked back, I felt loss when I left The Ex. I felt like I was mourning what we were supposed to have. I was mourning the loss of hope for our marriage and future together. Everything that I thought we would have and everything that I had put into it. I mourned it as though I was grieving a loved one.

Then, I lost my Dad. He wasn't perfect. No one is. He was technically my stepfather, but they had been married since I was 8. He sewed my dance costumes, went to my school plays, cried when I graduated from high school and paid for college and my wedding. He was a fantastic father. He was so supportive when I left The Ex. He hated The Ex for abusing me and wanted to kill him. He restrained himself but felt as though he had failed me somehow for not saving me from that situation. And then one morning, he had a massive arrhythmia in our backyard and died. He suffered lack of oxygen and was brain dead. We had him on life support for 10 days before finally letting him go. It was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. Even though its been about a year and a half, I am crying as I write this.

Now, my life is different. I have Mr. Nice Guy and everything is great. Or it is supposed to be. things are spiraling out of control and our relationship isn't what I want it to be. And it isn't because of OMFG. In fact, I haven't really seen him in three weeks so he isn't factoring into any of what is transpiring at home. Mr. Nice Guy is acting more like Mr. Irresponsible. I feel like I am falling out of love. It makes me sad to imagine that. When we met, I though this was it. I had found the guy that was everything I wanted. But now, I am coming to realize it was too soon after The Ex and decisions may have been made too hastily. I honestly don't know what to do.

On top of this, I have lost a close friend this week. He lost his battle with brain cancer. We just found out he had it on Christmas Eve and now he is gone. I know he is no longer suffering and I am thankful for that. But he was far too young for his life to end. I am mostly sad for my niece and nephew, he is their grandfather, and I hate seeing them go through this all over again. First my Dad, and now this. It's terrible.

Loss is an overwhelming emotion. I need room to breathe.

Reflections.

The first time I was with Eclectic Listener he made me cum in ways I never had before. Literally.

But, let's start at the beginning. We met through a mutual acquaintance and it was one of those rare first meetings where your instincts tell you that there is a connection. I have only had this happen a few times in my life, and these people turned out to be some of the best friends I have ever had. Eclectic Listener turned out to be one of the best fucks I have ever had. I could immediately tell he was intelligent, which is a huge turn on for me. And, I instantly felt at ease with him. Within five minutes I told him two things about me that two of the people closest to me don't even know.

That first conversation led to a second conversation, and a third. By the end of the third I knew I would have sex with him, even though neither of us had discussed it. Since then we have talked about it, and he said he knew too.

Within a couple of days of that last conversation he invited me over. We both knew the reason I was going to visit him. I had to feel him inside me. It was like my nerve endings were pulsing with the need to see how well our connection would translate in the bedroom.

When I first arrived we chatted a bit, I met his dogs, and we made our way to the bedroom. Let me preface this by saying prior to this night we had never even kissed. When we got in the bedroom, I laid down on the bed. I tried to make it unassuming. Like I just needed a place to rest a minute. I didn't want to come off as a complete whore who just laid on every bed she passed. He laid next to me, and it was difficult for me to make eye contact. I NEVER have an issue with that. But I wanted him to kiss me so badly I was afraid it was written all over my face.

We were laughing and joking about his love of scented candles. I asked if you could mix the scents or if you needed one to make a 'theme' for your house. He said you could mix them and they even had a chart that would explain which scents go best together. Then I looked at him. "Are you sure you're not gay?" I knew good and well he wasn't, but I begged the question and smiled. He said, "Positive." "Let's test it." I said, and leaned into him and we kissed.

Immediately it was apparent that our connection translated into the bedroom. The kissing was hot and hungry. With each sweep of our tongues the intensity grew. Within minutes he was groping my breasts, pulling down my top and grabbing at my flesh. I felt his teeth on my neck and his hand between my legs.

I was wet.

Even though he was there pleasuring me, my body ached for more. I wanted to feel his tongue between my legs and eventually his cock. He removed my clothes and fingered me while we kissed. He said, "I have to taste you," and maneuvered himself in between my thighs. I was moaning, writhing, and bucking my hips while his mouth worked against my pussy. HOT. He had me cumming in a matter of minutes.

I got him naked and admired his dick. I licked it up and down, moaning, before taking it all in. Well, taking in as much of it as I could. I had been craving giving him a blow job all week. He grabbed a fistful of my hair and took control of the rhythm of my head. I love that. I wanted him to cum in my mouth right then, but I also didn't want to have to wait for him to cum during sex later.

He asked me to get on top of him and we fucked. He had me lean back and I could feel him so deep inside me, my breasts bouncing with each thrust. He used his hips to lift my body causing him to be as deep as possible, causing almost too intense pleasure. I looked to my right and in his dresser mirror, I could see myself fucking him. I had never had this opportunity before. I watched our bodies move in sync. It turned me on even more than I already was, and I came. Again.

He had me on all fours near the edge of the bed while he stood behind me. He thrusted hard and I heard deep grunting matching my moans. I could hear him dirty talking me. "You like that?" I wanted to answer but I was at a loss for words. The only reply I could muster was a loud moan. But for the record, I liked it. He could tell my breathing was getting fast and the moans sounded like pleas. "Cum on my cock. You like it. Cum on my cock, let me feel you cum." I moaned and came again.

He laid me down on the bed and put my legs in the air and pounded me until I was breathless. I could tell he was close to orgasm and I clenched myself around him. His moans became more pronounced. He told me he was about to cum and to let him know when I was close. He was so deep inside me, so aggressive it was impossible for me to not cum again. We came together and collapsed on the bed.

And this, was just our FIRST encounter.

Curves.

I have curves.

It has taken me years to come to love my body. I don't love everything about it. There are parts I loathe. But, it's mine. I'm not a skinny girl, I never will be. My body is made to have meat on it.

I have curves.

I love the curve of my calves, lean and muscular. They look great in heels. I love the smoothness of my legs and how when OMFG runs his hands up and down them, I quiver. My legs are tan. And strong, from ten years of work on my feet. Desk jobs never did suit me. The one concussion I have had in my life I got working a desk job. I'm a busy body. It keeps my body strong.

I love having an hourglass figure. When I wear a tank top and skirt, like I did today, I feel beautiful. I love the roundness of my breasts and their silhouette when I catch a glimpse of them from the side.

I have curves.

My body is fleshy and mine. I didn't write this post to be narcissistic. People who know me well read this blog and know that I am insecure but confident. It's an oxymoron but it suits me. I know what I look like and I embrace it. I am comfortable in my own skin. I love my curves.

Here's to my first HNT.

Fetish Ball.

Saturday night I had the honor of being a guest at a Fetish Ball and Erotic Art Show. It's an annual event, and this was my second time to go. The theme was Cirque Fantastique. Every year they choose a theme and your costume and the art can reflect that. The first year I went the theme was Erotica in Wonderland. They had naughty Alice's and dirty Mad Hatters everywhere. I fell in love with the event then.

I thought the Cirque theme went along with Erotic Art beautifully. It was a sea of naked bodies, color, glitter and sex. The art was fantastic. I loved the honesty of it. There was a picture entitled Anticipation and it showed the silhouette of three people sunbathing. There was a woman in the center, and men on either side and she was stretching her arms out to touch them. Anticipation for the threesome they would be enjoying later.


The piece to the left was my fave. I love the idea of a holster for my vibrator. And where the bullets should be? Double AA Batteries. LOVE IT.
There is even a little mini-clit vibe next to the larger one. I could have tons of fun with this.
OMFG isn't really into toys. He's kinda missing out.


The show piqued my interest in body painting. I think the next time I go I may indulge. I love the idea of being at the show and my breasts being fully exposed yet still leaving you wanting more.


I think this goes back to my shameless love of my breasts. I love them. They are natural and full, but not overly large. And perky. Very perky. Right now I am wearing a T-Shirt with no bra and my erect nipples are pointing straight out. Hmmm....
Kinda makes me want to masturbate.

I can't wait for next years show. The Carnality Ball is coming up. It's like the Fetish Ball only more overtly sexual. I haven't decided if I am going to go or not.

I'm thinking I should.

Masturbation.

Is it still taboo?

For women at least, I believe it is. It's the thing we discuss openly only after too many glasses of wine, and the inhibitions have slowly disappeared in a Cabernet haze.

And then, many times, the conversation is limited to "Do you do it?" "Do you use a vibrator?" Or, "I USED to do it. When I was single." That last line I don't believe a bit. I haven't been single in two years, but I still double-click my mouse.

It is a stress reliever for me to be able to bring myself to orgasm. I enjoy doing it. Sometimes it's quick. I just need to relieve tension and I can get myself off in about a minute. But, other times, I drag it out. I bring myself near climax and stop. Bring myself to near climax again, and stop. Do this until I can't take it anymore, and finally, I allow myself to cum, and my fingers are drenched in my own wetness.

That's my fave.

I love it when I have the time to develop a fantasy in my mind. Lately, it has been OMFG and I 69ing. Since, this is still something I have never tried, it makes for perfect fantasy. I keep thinking back to him saying to me, "Think of how I could get in there." He is so forward sometimes with what he wants to do with me, and it turns me on like crazy. So, I'll start with thinking of him saying that. Then, I imagine feeling his tongue probing in and out of me while I suck on that perfect dick of his. Just thinking about it now is getting me wet. I can imagine my hands touching his strong legs, feeling our bodies against eachother, both of us in utter ecstasy. Imagining these things makes me rub my legs and the outside of my pussy lips. When I am ready, I slip my finger inside and find my clit to be hard. It feels electrifying when I touch it and I work myself to orgasm by slowly massaging it with my middle finger. I take my time, and when I am ready, I cum. HARD. And, usually, fall asleep after.

I believe masturbation and a relationship shouldn't cancel each other out. The fact that I understand how my body works, and what I like in bed, makes me a better lover. Most of my girlfriends that admit to me that they don't touch themselves have fairly boring sex lives and aren't great lovers. I know this because, unfortunately, alot of their partners complain to me. It's funny, my friends all know I am very open when it comes to sex, so I hear every one's dirty laundry. I don't mind helping though, even if that makes me the whore of the group.

And honestly, what guy doesn't get turned on by seeing a girl touch herself? Men, I want to know, if your girlfriend saw you undressing and was so turned on she HAD to slip her hand inside her panties and touch herself, wouldn't you be turned on?

My guess, is YES.

Worth The Wait.

I finally saw OMFG.

Once he got back into town, the texting started immediately. Some of it was dirty. Some of it wasn't. With us, the sex is incredible, so somehow the conversation always finds its way back to that. But, we also enjoy talking about other things and just spending time together. I can remember one day, that he made me laugh so hard I was crying. He was just imitating the sad faces I was making at him because we didn't have time to have sex. He was laughing too, and not just being mean.

I left the door unlocked for him to let himself in. I saw a car pass by my office window and my heart started racing. I don't know what it is about him, but every time we are going to be alone, I immediately get nervous. I double checked myself in the mirror. My hair and face looked pretty. But, my clothes were not my favorite. When I found out he was coming over, I asked him if he cared what I was wearing. He said, "Well, how long are you going to have it on?" I replied, "Two, maybe three minutes." "Well, then it doesn't really matter, does it?" So, I had on a cute pair of shorts and a top that accentuated my breasts and the fact that I was not wearing a bra. I have perky tits so I can get away with that.

I stood up and waited for him in the doorway of my office. When he approached me I sheepishly said, "Hi." He put his arms around my waist and pulled me to him and kissed me deeply. I accepted the kiss and grabbed his head and kissed him harder. He grabbed my breast through my shirt. When he pulled away he moaned under his breath. "What was that?", I asked, smiling at him. He just smiled back and led me to the bedroom.

Within about five minutes we were both naked. I don't remember who undressed whom. He wasted no time in going down on me. I could feel his tongue find my clit and stroke it up and down. I was moaning and bucking my hips. I have always loved oral sex, but something about the way that he does it makes me crazy. His tongue moved further south and was thrusting in and out of me. My orgasm came in waves. I was moaning ridiculously loud and gripping the sheets. He moved his body back up and was hovering over me. It was so good to see his face. Without warning, he pushed himself inside me. I gasped. He has the most perfect dick I have ever seen. I frequently tell him that, and I think I am making his ego too big for his own good.

I met his thrusts and grabbed onto his shoulders. He felt amazing. He stood up and pulled me to the edge of the bed and went down on me again. This seemed to be the theme of the day. Fuck for a few minutes, lick my pussy, and then resume fucking. Not that I minded at all. I had missed that tongue so much I would have let him go down on me all day. Then, he put my legs on either side of his head and was able to fuck me deeply. I came again.

After that, he had me get on all fours on the edge of the bed and he entered me from behind. This is my all time favorite position. He gripped onto my hips and was fucking me harder than I have ever been fucked in my life. It was incredible. The orgasms just poured out of me. I have never had a stronger sexual connection with anyone. Ever. I kept him standing on the side of the bed and laid perpendicular to him. I started licking his cock. He grabbed my head and moaned. "Oh, God." I heard him say. I started sucking it, my mouth was wet and he easily slid in and out of my mouth. I continued until I thought he was close and I had him lay down. I got on top of him and watched his reactions as I rode him. Love the reaction. His face said it all.

It is a little blurry after that. I know that all told, I came thirteen times!!!! Thirteen! What. The. Fuck. I didn't know thirteen times was possible. But, apparently, my pussy knows no bounds.

I'm ready to see him again.

OMFG Returns.

He's back. I haven't seen him yet. When he left things were broken. I think they are going to be repaired.

He called me today to see how things were going, and if I had been thinking of him. I was honest. I think about him constantly and not seeing him has been verging on devastating. He said it was the same for him and he couldn't get me out of his head. I kept the conversation brief, I wanted time to think about what I should do.

I know that no matter what I do, things are going to end badly. I am going to hurt Mr. Nice Guy or going to hurt OMFG. I didn't think it was possible to have feelings for two people, but now I know that it is. And it sucks. It's kind of bizarre to be in this situation. I have some tough choices to make.

OMFG and I did a little dirty texting today. He was telling me he wanted to try 69ing. Which, I have never done. Shocking, I know. It makes me nervous. I think because I have to give up control, which I have never been good at. He was assuring it me it would be fun and said, "Think of how I could get in there."

Just him saying that made me wet.

I said, "You're being a little dirty."

"A little dirty? It's not like I as saying something like 'I'm going to pull you to the edge of the bed, kneel in front of you, suck on your clit and probe my tongue in and out of your pussy until you cum.' That's a little dirty."

Oh holy hell. After that comment, I was really wet. And even thinking about it now affects me. That man has an amazing tongue.

Hopefully we get to meet up soon. I am sooooo ready to see him.

Suck It Like You Mean It.

When I left off on the last Blow Job post, we had discussed getting it started. The warm up, if you will.

So, what's next?

The Seduction of His Dick.

If the man you are with knows that you really don't want to be sucking his cock then he isn't going to enjoy it. You may hear, "You don't have to do that." or "I don't even really like it." "Let's just have sex."

LIES.

He wants it. But, he also wants you to want it. So, look at him. When you have already warmed him up, look him in the eyes and envelop the head. You don't have to rush into taking it all in. For one thing, the anticipation can be pretty awesome, and two you have time to get your mouth nice and wet before sucking the shaft. Look into his eyes and continue sucking it. He will be so turned on at the sight of you being a dirty girl. His sweet innocent girlfriend is blowing him and it freaking rocks. Moan while you look into his eyes and suck his dick. He will be at your mercy. And, you will be able to watch his reactions which will be a HUGE turn on for you.

Moaning during a blow job is a must. I mean, how can you not moan? I love the look on his face and when I am going down on OMFG, I love the smoothness of his cock. It's so hard and big the mere sight of it makes me moan and whine. Literally. He will also be able to feel the vibration of your moan furthering his pleasure. Not to mention that he will think it's pretty awesome that you are MOANING while taking in his most prized possession.

Take it all in. When you know he is ready, and believe me, you'll know. He'll be grabbing your head and trying to force it down, or pulling your hair. Put the whole thing in your mouth. Or as much as you can handle to take in at once. He will breathe a sigh of relief. It feels so good and he is getting exactly what he wanted. Now, your mouth has to be sufficiently wet. Hydration is important. You'll get into a good rhythm pumping your head up and down and moaning. Take cues from him on what he is enjoying. He will moan, sigh, breathe heavily, grab your head. Sometimes with OMFG, I will get into a rhythm and stop momentarily to stretch my jaw and he will have his hand on my head and say, "NOOOO!" Cause it feels so fucking good he doesn't want me to stop. I LOVE THAT. I want to always make him feel that way.

If you can't take all of him in, put your hand around the shaft and cover the part you can't get to. Match the pace of your thrusts with your hand motion. It will be almost as good. It also could be a positioning problem. I find with OMFG that it is difficult for me to take all of him in when he is lying down and I am on all fours. I take enough of him in that he doesn't complain, but it's not the whole thing. I love the all fours position though because I can turn in a way that he can play with my pussy while I go down on him. Then, I moan uncontrollably b/c that man has amazing hands and he gets an amazing blow j. It's win win. The position that works best for me in order to take all of him in, is me on my knees with him standing. I can grab his legs and we can meet each other with each thrust. It puts my head and throat in such a position that there is more depth for him to slam into. He can fuck my face and I love it. He loves it too.

I know this because I have a saved text message from him where he said, and I quote, "You suck dick like a goddess."

I love that man. And I miss him.

We are almost ready for the Blow Job tutorial conclusion; To Swallow, or Not to Swallow? That is the Question.

Dear Reader.

I am missing OMFG like crazy. It's getting a little insane. I can't see him since he is out of town, but the urge to talk to him is overwhelming. I can't silence the voices.

The number one thing on my list of what I look for in a man, is a sense of humor. My sense of humor is dry and sarcastic and this gets me into trouble. MOST of my friends have known me a long time, and are used to my series of one-liners and jabs. I have some new friends though, and they don't always get it.

Case in point, sent a text to a friend commenting on something she had said. My text said something like, "You know I wouldn't do that, I'm not a heartless bitch." She took it to mean that I think, she thinks, (I know 7th grade gossip here) I'm a heartless bitch. But I meant what I said. It was statement of fact. I AM NOT A HEARTLESS BITCH. Sigh.

But, OMFG gets my sense of humor and even laughs at my jokes! Hurray! I am not crazy, just not obviously funny. It's more under the surface.
I'll say something mean and sarcastic to you, joking of course, and you'll say, "What?" and I'll reply, "I said your hair looks nice."

I want to lay in bed with him and laugh and joke and smile.

Ok, back to the point of this post.

Dear Reader,
Who are you? I have been checking my Google Analytics and the U.S. still reigns for most readers of my blog. But Spain took over Canada for second! I have several visitors from Spain, but a recurring one from Madrid. Who are you? And please, comment!
And, my most loyal reader is from Getzville, NY. I had never heard of Getzville, but hey, that's cool. I do love New York. I can't wait to go back. It's been awhile. And, also, thanks for coming by so often.

I know that was really cheesy, but Google Analytics is seriously amazing. I love pulling it up every night and seeing who has checked out the blog.

I also have a question for you that will help in an upcoming blog post.

What do you enjoy most about sex?

I think we all have different passions, things that excite us, entice us, and reel us in. What feels good to you? I want to post something similar to the Blow Job post. Help a girl out.
For me, its all about getting their shirt off and admiring their hip bones before I remove the pants. I just want to kiss and suck that whole area. OMFG is ticklish there. He always tries to get me to pull away. It's cute, I love it.

How do I make OMFG get out of my head?

The Ides of March.

Seriously.

Beware, The Ides of Fucking March.

What a clusterfuck of a day today was. I don't know where to begin.

Yesterday, I thoroughly enjoyed my day off. Spent time with Mr. Nice Guy, the fam, and some of our friends. I had only had about 3 hours of sleep, but had a great day anyway. We did the Rock Band Endless Setlist. Ever heard of it? You have to play every song on Rock Band without stopping. I am not a gamer. But, I do love a challenge. It was fun. I know, I'm a nerd, but I enjoyed it.

Everything was great.

Until this morning.

Saturday night some of our friends invited us out. I didn't feel like going to a bar, it had been a long week and I wanted to rest. But, I insisted Mr. Nice Guy (MNG) go. He had been sick alot of the week and I thought it would do him some good to hang with friends. After much persuading he went. It was a largish group that went out. MNG, a couple we are good friends with, another couple we know through them, and one single girl. MNG hung out with the other 2 men in their group and they played darts, etc. Great, hope they had fun.

Today I get a call from the guy in the couple we are good friends with. He says the other gentlemen is upset with MNG because when he gave him a ride home he kept talking about how hot the friends girlfriend was. As in, he didn't just mention it once. He is riding with the guy talking about his girlfriend. And that she is smokin' hot. Of course, this upset the girls boyfriend and now he wants to kick MNG's ass. So, our friend was calling to let me know so I could possibly help remedy the situation.

Our friend didn't think I would be upset with MNG upon hearing this.

He was wrong.

I was livid. And hurt. I know it sounds crazy, but my feelings were incredibly hurt. MNG has always treated me like I was the most amazing woman he had ever laid eyes on. I know that over time things change, but I never thought he would do this. I think there is an unspoken rule in relationships that even though you may find your significant others friends attractive, you never say it out loud. I think saying someone intangible, like a celebrity or stranger, is attractive is ok. But not your friends. It creates a climate of jealousy and that's not good for anyone. MNG used to shower me with compliments. Not so much anymore. He goes to work before me, so I frequently wake up to a "Good Morning beautiful" text. But, I rarely hear that in person, if ever.

I'm not an unattractive girl.

I think he is taking me for granted. And I told him this. That I felt completely unappreciated. After thinking about it for a minute he agreed. He said that he has gotten to a place where he knows that I am going to always be there. He promised he would make it up to me for the rest of his life and always let me know that he thinks I'm beautiful. But, I don't want him saying it just because I got upset. I want him to actually think I am pretty. I know, I'm shallow.

I think this was the straw that broke the camel's back. This one incident, while upsetting to me, isn't a huge deal. But feeling unappreciated in my relationship is. It has me wondering, did he jump into this relationship too quickly because he loved the idea of being in love? I am MNG first love. He dated other girls, but I'm the first one to meet his family, first to live with, first to say I love you to. He had been looking for love and not just dating since he was in high school, according to his mom. I love that about him. He always has been a really amazing guy. But what if I'm not the one for him?

And the other piece of this is, it was humiliating for me. ALL of the people who went that night know he was saying how hot she was. (by most people's standards, I am better looking that her, but I digress) So, they are thinking he has no respect for me and doesn't really think very highly of me. It made our relationship look shallow and one-dimensional. There was a time when our relationship was full of depth. We worked together to peel back the shell I put around myself after The Ex. We bonded through that experience. He was there for me when my Dad died. He took care of me and made me feel like I could live. Those things brought us together. And now we are falling apart.

The thought of that makes me sad. I know lately things have been rocky, but I always thought he would be the one I would have kids with and grow old with. I don't know where we stand now. I don't know if I am what he wants. He says now he wants me, but why after a few drinks did he proclaim some other chick was "hot" and he can't see me all dressed up and muster a "Wow, you look great?"

He did say this to me though, "I pray that you will come home tonight and cuddle with me. I hope that you nderstand how much I love you. I am dying inside right now. I hope that you give me the blessing of loving you and making it up to you every day for the rest of your life. But, that is what I want. I know it won't be that easy. I know it will take a while for you to forgive me if you ever do. I don't expect you to ever forget."

Where do we go from here?

p.s. I miss OMFG.

Leaving on a Jet Plane.

OMFG and I are done for now.

He called me a couple of days ago and was on his way to work. He was missing me, I was missing him. But we couldn't see each other for one reason or another. I kind of broke down. I told him it wasn't fair to either of us. He agreed, but I could see he wasn't going to be the one to end things. Finally, I started crying on the phone. Not uncontrollably, but enough he could tell over the phone.
I said, "I don't want to do this." (break up)
"Then don't."
"We can't go on like this. Too many people are getting hurt."

LONG PAUSE

Then, I said, "I don't think we should see each other anymore." He tried to fight with me, but I told him it was no use. I was serious. We needed to take time to see how we felt about our significant others and time away from each other to figure things out.

I'm kind of heartbroken.

I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I fell for him. He was so funny, no one makes me laugh like that. He made me question everything I had come to know. Six months ago, I was so sure about my life. I knew what I wanted, where I was headed. Everything is upside down now. How do I make it right? What is right? Do I follow my heart, or make things right with Mr. Nice Guy?

I have no answers.

All I know is, I feel alone. I find myself feeling like that all the time when I am surrounded by friends. I think it is because there is no one who knows what I am going through except for OMFG and thats not helping things. I need someone to confide in. It's hard to keep this all in.

OMFG will be out of town on business for two weeks. I am trying not to talk to him at all. I feel like I should need some space. But I think about him constantly. Incessently. I wake up thinking about him, and I fall asleep imagining myself in his arms.

FML.

When he gets back, we'll talk. See how we feel and how much we miss each other.

Right now, I just want to kiss him.

I love the way he kisses. He starts out so slow, drawing me in. At first, it's just liplocks. It takes a few short kisses for our tongues to find each other. And when they do, the kisses being deeper. We kiss with such a ferver and insistance that you would think our lives depended on it. I don't know how long I can go without that.

The Eyes Have It.

The last time I saw OMFG it was only for a little while, and it was in mixed company. His girlfriend was there along with other friends. It's so strange to be in that situation with him. We have this HUGE secret that no one else in the world knows, except all of you, and we have to keep it hidden. For now anyway. The thing that intrigued me about seeing him today was it felt different to me. It felt like there was a shift in our relationship in the last few days. It wasn't a bad thing, just different. It was almost like the secret was harder to contain.

There were three times in the hour or so that we were together that he LOOKED at me. This is a look that kind of knocks the wind out of you. It lasts a little too long, past the amount of time that is normally acceptable. He really looks into my eyes and its almost like he can see right through me. I love it when he looks at me this way. But normally he doesn't let his guard down enough to let it happen so often in mixed company. On most occasions, he will look at me like that once. Just enough to let me know that the feelings are still there and he is thinking about me. But, three times was something major. It felt good. I want him to be able to look at me like that all the time.

Even if I hadn't been able to see him, I would have been okay today. We were able to text alot throughout the day. It was fun, and nice. We were talking about how we are both ready to be able to have sex again. Its been awhile now because of our difficult situation. We discussed boundaries. He said, "I don't do anything you don't want me to do." Then, a minute later another message, "Of course I'm not sure what you wouldn't let me do."
I said, "So you think I don't have any sexual boundaries?"
"I know you do. Just not sure what they are at the moment."

So, we decided the next time we are together, he is going to blindfold me. I know, blindfolding isn't so crazy, but I think it will be fun. He said that I would be squirming, wondering where his tongue was going to go next. And that's true. In my daily life, I'm always in control. I work as a manager, I tell people what to do, and in my relationships normally I am in the drivers seat. So, the thought of relinquishing my control to him by allowing him to blindfold me, is exciting.
He asked me, "Aren't you afraid of being vulnerable?"
I said, "With you, I'm never afraid."

Closure.

I had lunch with The Ex yesterday. It wasn't something I had planned. I was on facebook, and read through another friends status that he had moved to MY city. I was a little upset. Ok, more than a little upset. It brought up feelings and memories I had long since forgotten. I started remembering things and it wasn't fun. I didn't like him being here.

I talked to Mr. Nice Guy and explained that The Ex had moved into town. He said, "Of course he did." I asked him what he meant by that and he said it doesn't surprise him because he can't let me go.

I decided to contact The Ex via facebook and see what was going on. He said that he and his girlfriend had split, they have a baby together now, and he had no where else to go. He had friends that live in my city, so he was living with him.

There are several issues with this situation. First, the man is 35 years old. He can't live on his own?!?!? Even though he and his girlfriend split you'd think he could afford an apartment. Nuh uh. No money and he quit his job. Second issue, the friends he is living with here? They were OUR friends when we were a couple. AWKWARD! *sigh* I soooo made the right decision leaving him.

Again, it amazes me I was with this man for seven freaking years! He is intelligent, but with no drive at all, so the smarts go to waste. I worked my way through college and am damn proud of my degree. When we met he was in the Air Force and doing quite well. For the last 5 years he has been a fast food manager. Wow, that is so sad. I told him I had some things I would like to talk to him about, and asked if we could meet for coffee. He agreed.

I hadn't seen him in the 2 years since our divorce. He looked like hell. His clothes were worn out and a mess, he looked older, and sad. Part of me was happy to see this. Despite the craziness of my current love triangle, I'm really really happy now. And it shows. The opposite seemed true for him.

We talked for a couple of hours about his situation now, and I offered my advice. We also discussed our relationship and the aftermath of it. I told him that the things he did to me still affect me now. That sometimes, when I am with Mr. Nice Guy, he will do something to me jokingly, or say something and I lose my marbles. I fall to pieces and cry. And it's his fault. He made me that way. I remember when The Ex and I were out with our friends, if I said something jokingly or otherwise that he didn't like, he would put me in a headlock. And smile and laugh with our friends. Only, he wasn't joking. He was really choking me in front of them and they didn't know it. I knew it. It was a warning. He was saying, "Don't cross that line, Nik. Or I'll do it for real." I had forgotten he used to do that until Mr. Nice Guy and I were play wrestling one day and he put me in a headlock. He wasn't using pressure, he was truly kidding around. I had a panic attack. I started to cry and hyperventilate. Mr. Nice Guy felt terrible. He didn't do anything wrong and it took me a minute to be able to explain what happened. It was that hijacked feeling all over again.

I told this story and a few others to The Ex. And you know what? I think he genuinely felt remorse. He said he thinks about what he did to me every day. And now that he has a daughter, he imagines what it would be like if someone did those things to her and it makes him sick. As it should. I am someone's daughter and I can tell you it took my Father every ounce of restraint he has not to kill The Ex after I told him what happened. The Ex apologized. For everything. He named out things he did to me and told me how sorry he was. And that every day he thinks about me and knows that letting me get away, and not going to counseling to solve his anger issues, is the biggest mistake of his life.

I believe him. He doesn't have anything to gain now from telling me that. He knows I am with Mr. Nice Guy and I am a different person now. He could see it. And I see it. I have closure. I think I can close that chapter now and continue moving forward. It feels good.

Lost.

Damn it! I cannot do this anymore!!! I just texted OMFG and had something I wanted to talk to him about and he asked what it was. I asked if I could speak freely, meaning is the GF around. And he said it would have to be tomorrow. This sucks.

I know that I am doing something I shouldn't be. I know he has a girlfriend. But I need him. I wanted to tell him that I am dying to be laying in this arms. The pain of not being able to do that is killing me. I feel this stabby pain in the middle of my chest. It's terrible.

We had lunch today and it was nice. The restaurant was dimly lit, so we were able to hold hands and talk without being caught. I got to pretend for a minute that I was the girlfriend. We discussed our situation and how to handle it. The conversation was a long time coming because often when we kiss he'll say "What the hell do we do now?" The feelings are too strong. We have passed the point of no return. So, today at lunch we discussed this.
We agreed we had two possible options.
1. Cut our losses. We could end the relationship now and spare our significant others feelings. This would enable us to exit the relationship with our good memories in tact and know that it was fun while it lasted, but us being together isn't a good idea.
Pros: S.O.'s not hurt. No messy breakup.
Cons: Our feeling would still be there. Waiting in the wings. I would wake up every day and wonder what he was doing and if he was happy. I would still love him. He said he would have regret and wonder if we were meant to be. And his feelings wouldn't go away. He would still love me.

2. Continue down this path until we cross the next line: We love each other more than we love the people we are with now. At that point decide if we leave them for each other.
Pros: We get to be together. All the time.
Cons: What if we don't like it? What if its only great now because we don't have to be the 1st girlfriend/boyfriend, just the one on the side? Also, would cause great pain to our current S.O.'s. Would be an incredibly sticky situation.

I almost broke it off with him. I teared up, said it was for the best, and then of course couldn't do it.

So, we decided on option 2.

I know it's not the most sound decision. But what if we are meant to be? He makes me incredibly happy. When I kissed him today for the first time, I sighed. It was like FINALLY. This is what I needed. He looks at me too. Not a glance but really LOOKS at me. He will just stare into my eyes and get this look on his face. It's a look of sheer contentment. Like he could look at me forever. Girls like that. It works. And every time he kisses my nose, I smile. I can't help it. He calls it my "instant smile button."

I miss him so much.