Open Mouth, Insert Foot.

Usually I wax poetic about how I may not be making the best decisions right now, but I am generally a good person. Today was an example of how I AM NOT a good person.

In life, I have made many choices that have led me to where I am now. Not all of them were incredibly sound decisions. I think we can all say that though, right? I mean, that's what life is, a series of decisions that lead you to where you are now. I have always loved the Douglas Adams quote, "I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be." This describes me perfectly. I went to college and it took me 5 and a 1/2 years to graduate because I decided to get married to The Ex my junior year. I had to take less classes, and work full-time to support us. I don't regret doing it. I know that I gave that marriage my all and it failed because of things beyond my control. But, it led me to where I am today.

Well, yesterday I woke up early and did things with the Fam. Hung out with my sister and niece and nephew after staying up late to go to a concert the night before. So, I was seriously low on sleep. Then, I went to work and we had inventory, so I was there til 2 am. I don't live close to work so I got home sometime between 230 and 3. I was exhausted. At this time I was texting a friend about possibly travelling with me on Monday to a town a couple hours away because its a long drive and I need company. This is a male friend who has a girlfriend. He said, "I would, but I am not sure how girlfriend would feel about that." This frustrated me slightly because we are friends, all of us, and I hate that she sometimes worries about our intentions. So, I sent him a text that said something like, "I hate that she makes your decisions for you. Like where you are going and who you are going with. It sucks." I'm not sure if those are my exact words, but it was something like that. Today I texted the girlfriend a few times with no response. Finally, she responds and proceeds to tell me that she thought we were friends until she found out that I think she makes all the decisions for her boyfriend. And she doesn't need friends who talk bad about her behind her back.

FML.

I immediately got that hijacked feeling. Do you know what I mean? Emotional hijacking. Like your insides have been taken over by adrenaline and you can't really think clearly. It's like the wind has been knocked out of you. Or you have been kicked in the stomach. I felt terrible. And I told her, "I am a terrible person. You have every right to be angry with me. I was overtired and I said something I didn't mean. I meant it toward him, not you. Like he lets you make decisions for him." She didn't know what he had said to make me make me send the offending text to him, and I didn't want to tell her. I continued to let her know how sorry I was and that she was a great person and I understood if she didn't want to be my friend anymore. She told me that she didn't want to be friends with someone who talked about her behind her back.

This is making my eye twitch. Because honestly, my least favorite quality in people is not saying things in person. If I have an issue with you, I put it out there. I talk about it. This isn't seventh grade, let's grow up a bit. I HATE that I was that person. I said something, and in the context she took it, I am an uber-bitch.

FML.

Which brings me to another quote I love by Oscar Wilde. "A true friend stabs you in the front." I like to be that kind of friend. I dislike gossip and all the trouble it brings. Now, here I am, in the thick of it. *SIGH*

The problem with me not getting enough sleep is, I lose my filter. That device that keeps you from saying exactly what you think and maybe some things you don't even really mean, I lose it. I tend to say what's on my mind anyway, but when I drink alcohol or don't get enough rest I suffer from diarrhea of the mouth. So, I had a very poor choice of words and may lose a close friend over it.

FML.

Crap.

What do I do now?