Sun.

So far, the vacation is amazing. I have had a fabulous time with family and friends, traveled out of state, spent some time in the sun, and managed to get a little tan.

The best part is I am feeling more like myself. The stress of the last couple of months has taken a toll on me, and I usually am a pretty chill person. Right now, I feel as though I am sliding back into my old skin and being more like myself. I don't like being in a situation where I start to lose part of my sense of self. It reminds me too much of when I split with The Ex. The time that we were together morphed me into someone I didn't recognize. Being in a abusive relationship changes you slowly over time. I turned into a girl who was insecure, quiet, and afraid. I will never be that girl again.

I used to host a radio show when I was GM of our college radio station. My cohost, Jersey Girl, was one of the best friends I had ever had. We just clicked. When we get together we talk a mile a minute and are able to catch up on the last five years in about two minutes. She came into town yesterday and spent the night with me. When you are going through a difficult time and losing yourself in the process, there is nothing like an old friend to remind you of who you used to be and give you a little perspective. Jersey Girl has done that for me. We are getting some much needed girl time today with pedicures and spa day.

I talked to Eclectic Listener last night. He says he has missed me. I know I have missed him. I miss just hanging out and talking to him. He told me he was hoping to see me today. I hope so. Jersey Girl leaves early this afternoon and I'm free the rest of the day as I am still on Vacation!! I just keep thinking about having him inside me. My body aches for it. I yearn for him.

Vacation!!

I am going on a much needed vacay! I am ecstatic! The last few months have been so stressful, some sun will be a much needed cure.

Not to worry, the blog won't disappear. I will be out of town until Monday. And after that, I am hoping to spend some time with Eclectic Listener. He told me last week that while I was on vacation he wanted me to be at his "beck and call." He better live up to that. I want to see him a few times while I am de-stressed and happy. He deserves a chance to hang out with the real Nik. And yes, I know he reads this...so for persuasion he should know that I will be tan, in new lingerie, and back in town after missing him for quite a while.

I have been dreaming about Eclectic Listener alot lately. I'm not sure what the dreams mean. In most of them we are kissing or we are asleep. I actually dream about him touching my back while we are sleeping. I know its odd, but I think it has to do with the fact that he gives me a sense of security that I am not feeling elsewhere. I appreciate him for that.

I will leave you with a picture.

Everybody Hurts.

I remember watching 90210, and Brenda listening to Losing My Religion after Dylan broke up with her. I got in my car today, after an emotionally exhausting day, and Everybody Hurts was playing. The irony of everyday life never ceases to amaze me.

Pain is a universal language. We all go through things that challenge us and bring out our best, and sometimes bring out our worst.

I feel like I haven't been the best version of myself lately.

Normally, I am confident, effervescent, intelligent and sarcastic. In recent weeks I have only seen glimpses of the real me among depression and sadness following some major life changes. Everything that has been going on with Mr. Nice Guy makes me sad. I hate thinking that it's over. But it is. Unfortunately, we weren't meant to be. I have to move on and find out what my life is going to be without him. I went so quickly from The Ex to Mr. Nice Guy, I never really discovered single me.

Yes, there is Eclectic Listener. And yes, there are feelings there. But, it isn't something that concerns me. I know we both are wanting to be independent now and be with each other only when we want to be. I don't know if it will progress into something more, or something deeper. I think we are just letting whatever is going happen, happen. Organically. We aren't forcing anything. And, I kinda like that. I like the idea of not being lonely, but also not being put into a box. I want to just do what feels right and comfortable for a while. And for now, this does.

Life is such a funny thing. We rarely learn from the mistakes of others. We see their mistakes and think, "That would never happen to me. I'm too smart for that." When we say things like that, I think it makes God laugh. You inevitably put yourself in the very situation that you never thought you would be, and now it's up to you to do the right thing. Or not. I sometimes feel like I am fumbling through life and eventually, I'll hit the right path. I never did things the way everyone else did.

I have to find my own way.

Making Up for Missed Connections.

Eclectic Listener made up for lost time when I saw him last week. I was definitely starting to question if he was feeling the same chemistry I feel. I am usually pretty perceptive when it comes so these things but I was confused as to why he kept canceling on me. Granted, he had legitimate excuses, but I am an over-analyzer.

He invited me over on a day when storms were expected in our area. He has a terrific view, so I was looking forward to enjoying it with him. We are both storm enthusiasts, even if I am not one to go out and chase tornadoes like he has in the past. Tornadoes tend to find me, I don't have to go look for them.

We spent some time talking and relaxing. It always amazes me how good the banter is between us. I find myself opening up to him about things that I don't tell anyone else. The great thing about it is, he just accepts it. I keep waiting for him to say something about me being crazy, but so far it hasn't happened. He did tell me that night that I was "a truly unique person." He also said he had never met anyone else like me. We talked about how we haven't gotten to know anyone as well as we are getting to know each other in a long time. We spend a lot of time just talking and it is interesting to learn the quirks of another person and get to know them so intimately.

I really like him. I'm not sure how deep the feelings are yet, but I know they are there. And, for now, I am just going to enjoy the ride and see where it takes me.

We were laying on his bed and he pulled me to him and kissed me. I love how his body is dominate over mine in every way possible. I surrender myself to him. I like feeling powerless against my attraction to him. When he touches me, my whole body sighs.

I savored the feeling of his tongue pushing its way into my mouth, parting my lips, and causing me to moan. I could hear him moaning as well. I was running my hands through his hair and pulling him even closer to me until I could feel his heart beat against mine. He pulled away. "Whenever you start to doubt my attraction to you, I want you to consider this." He took my hand and pushed it down to his dick. It was ridiculously hard. "Would it get this hard from just kissing if I wasn't into you?"

He was right. That put my mind at ease. His hand found its way between my legs. I was so wet. His finger expertly teased my clit until I thought I was going to lose my mind. I shuddered at his touch. I could feel my hips bucking and lifting off of the bed, and when I came I collapsed. He continued touching me until I came again.

I started to give him a blow job but I had to feel him inside me. It had been too long and I couldn't take it any longer. "I want you to ride me," he said. That was all the encouragement I needed. I straddled him and leaned down to kiss him. My pussy was so tight from going too long without sex. The size of him was almost too much to take. He thrusted his hips pushing himself into me even deeper. I leaned back, enjoying the feeling of utter ecstasy.

He told me to get on all fours on the edge of the bed. He grabbed my hips and fucked me harder than I had ever been fucked in my life. I felt my orgasms come in waves. I could hear his breathing become more pronounced. He started fucking me even harder, and was moaning louder. I tightened around him. "Oh FUCK," he said. "I'm going to cum." I encouraged him, "Cum baby. I want you to cum." I wanted him to have the same mind blowing feeling I had been enjoying for some time. He came and we laid in bed, gasping for air.

I miss him.

Missed Connection.

I have had plans with Eclectic Listener the last three nights and have yet to see him. No, he hasn't been standing me up. Well, not exactly.

Last week we had a fantastic night together. We had made plans for Sunday night and I was confident our drought would end on Sunday. As I was leaving his house, I said something about having Saturday night off. He took that to mean I wanted to change our plans to Saturday. After some discussion, we decided to make our plans for Saturday.

Friday I texted him and asked what time he was getting off on Saturday. He said, "About 3. Why?"
"Because I wanted to see how our schedules matched up for our plans. We do still have plans right?
"Most Likely, I'll have to see what else I have going on."

WHAT THE FUCK!!!

So, I said, "Um, I'm not really ok with that. I don't get many Saturday nights off and I don't want to have plans that may or may not fall through. That isn't really fair to me."
"You're right, I'm sorry. Enjoy your Saturday night."

I was disappointed to say the least. But, we still had plans for Sunday right?

Nope.

He has re-occurring work on Sunday nights and it kept him up super late. I had to work Monday morning. I suggested we make plans for Monday. He agreed.
"These are definite plans right?" I asked.
"Definite plans."

Monday I went to work looking forward to seeing him. Kissing him. Touching him. Feeling him inside me.

An hour before I am supposed to be at his house, I receive this text.

"Well, in the tradition of cancelling on you and coming off like a complete asshole..."

There was more to the message. He actually had a legitimate excuse. I was disappointed. He also told me, "I hate that I consistently disappoint you." and "I won't blame you if you tell me to fuck off with my track record as of late." I told him to keep me posted on what was going on. "I will. If its not too late, I'd love to still have you over. I am really sorry."

I tried to meet up with him later after his crisis had passed, but he was with family.

I hate that I want to see him. I wish I didn't. I wish I didn't want to feel our lips touch and turn into a heated make out session. Feel his strong arms pull me closer to him. Hear me moan into his mouth.

I wish I didn't want those things.

But I do.

I'm waiting.

It's been 15 days.

Making Out.

*Writers Note: I'm listening to the No Doubt song "Making Out" as I write. Inspiration if you will.

Making Out is underrated once you hit fifteen. Which, is sad. Because it's freaking fantastic. I love the buildup associated with it. When you are kissing someone, bringing their mouth to yours and locking lips. There is just something about it that makes you exhale or sigh. It's gratifying and a release. Especially if there is chemistry.

I love anticipation. It makes the moment where you finally get what you want so much more worth it. I think that is why I enjoy making out. It is a foreshadowing of what is to come.

I went to Eclectic Listener's house and we had an excellent time. We laugh so much. Everything was relaxed and, just good. We laid on the bed and talked. He teased me about something, I can't remember what exactly, and I made a comment about how "mean" he is to me and looked down. And by "mean" I mean he calls me on my bullshit and is exactly as sarcastic as I am. While I was looking down he pulled me close to him and kissed me. Hard. It took me by surprise and felt amazing. It was like everything around us melted and the only thing I could concentrate on was us. I grabbed the back of his head and kept him close to me.

Our kisses aren't pecks. They aren't liplocks. Well, maybe sometimes. But, usually its deep, passionate kissing. I MOAN when I kiss him. It's that good.

Let's be honest here. The kissing leads to bigger and better things. We made out for a few minutes and his hand found the inside of my tank top. I wasn't wearing a bra. He grabbed at my breasts, pulled and twisted my nipples. Made me gasp and moan. I thought I was going to cum from him playing with my tits. Delicious.

My hand worked its way down and teased. He made a comment about how I never just "go for it." I have to tease first. And that's true. I touched his legs. Grazed against his sexy as hell hips. Ran my fingers under the waistband of his shorts. Slid my hand inside and rubbed beside his dick, careful not to touch it. I grabbed his balls and massaged them. I took my time. Then I wrapped my hand around his cock and I said, "Ooooh." I know I should be used to it by now, but every time I see it or feel it, I have a reaction. He told me he loves that part. I don't see it stopping anytime soon.

I couldn't stay too late. I had errands early the next morning. But the time we did have was fantastic and leaves me wanting more.

Virgin.

When it comes to sex, what have you done? What have you not done and would like to try? Is there anything wrong with liking or enjoying traditional sex? And, can you like it both ways?

I'm all for experimentation. But, I do not believe it will make sex better. It can make an already enjoyable experience different and enhanced, but not make bad sex good. The only thing that can make bad sex good is communication. You have to talk about the issues, what you and your partner enjoy and find common ground. It's also about chemistry. Chemistry is one thing you can't fake. It amazes me what a difference chemistry makes in sexual encounters. With OMFG and Eclectic Listener there was amazing chemistry. Still is with Eclectic Listener. I had a friend ask me other day, "How do you know when the chemistry is good?" It got me thinking. If you have to ask that question, you've never felt it.

It's a feeling. A charge. Its pliable. Tangible. It's like electricity between two people. The spark. Eclectic Listener and I are good at eye contact when it counts. There is a look that we give each other and its a total "Fuck Me." look. I don't know how else to explain it. It isn't a longing gaze. It isn't staring into each others souls. It's a three second glance. And its dirty. And I like it. This look, this look is a MAJOR part of our chemistry. I'm not even sure if he is fully aware of the look. But every time it happens, I get wet. Immediately. And he is WELL AWARE of that effect he has on me. He can say a few words to me, under his breath, totally unassumingly, and I will get a look on my face. He'll smile and say, "I just made you wet." My response in my head is "DAMMMMMIIIITTT." Because he is right.

Yes, this all ties into experimentation. Because the sex has to be good for the experimentation to work. And for the sex to be good you have to have chemistry. See how I have gone full circle? I asked Eclectic Listener yesterday if there was anything he hadn't done he would like to try. His response? "I dunno, I'm not a whore, but I've done alot. What about you?" I liked his response and it was almost the one I was hoping for. He and I have a slight dominant/submissive thing going on and he knows I like to be told what to do. So, I figure if we are going to experiment it will work better if he knows what he is doing. I have had a few unsuccessful attempts at being tied up, handcuffed, etc. The chemistry and relationship balance wasn't right for it to work. But, I think this time, it will. Eclectic Listener said he already has handcuffs. I said for him to "cuff me to your headboard and go down on me." The thought of him doing that scares me and excites me. I have a tendency to stop him when he goes down on me because it feels so good, it's too much. If I was handcuffed, I wouldn't have that option.

I want to give him something he hasn't had before. I don't mean a new position, or a new toy, but a feeling. I want him to feel a kind of pleasure he has never felt before. I know this is something that will come with time, and the more we get to know each others bodies. I love going down on him, and I will continue to do this. But I want to give him the strongest, most explosive orgasm he has ever felt. The last time I asked, he said I rank in the top 2 or 3 for blow jobs. This made me slightly sad as I take great pride in my BJ skills. I intend to rank number 1. As soon as possible.

I am so ready to feel him. Soon?

*Writers Note--Apparently, in his post orgasmic haze, I don't listen well. Seconds after posting I receive a text from Eclectic Listener. "Great post. But I told you that it was the best BJ I ever had." So, evidently, my sucking dick like a goddess status still stands. Whew, what a relief.

Starved.

It has been too long since I have had sex. I am craving it. Aching for it. The sex with Eclectic Listener is so explosive and amazing that I cannot go long without it. It's been over a week. Eight days actually. But, who's counting?

It isn't that we haven't seen each other.

It isn't that I haven't had his dick. I have. In my mouth.

It isn't that I haven't felt his touch. I have. On my skin.

But, that most primal urge has yet to be released. I need to feel him inside me. Filling me in a way that only he can. My moans. His groans. Sweating. Breathing. Writhing. Cumming.

I need it.

I need to feel his hands on my hips as he thrusts into me hard.

I need it now.

And, I know you are reading this.

I want you. I want you to take me the way you want me. Make me feel what you want me to feel.

Hopefully I will not have to wait. At least, not another eight days.

My So-Called Life.

We all go through those times in our lives where nothing makes sense. The drama unfolds and how you react will completely change your life. You may not realize it at the time, but it's true all the same. Sometimes, small decisions turn into big decisions and suddenly, your life has taken a new direction.

I love this quote. "I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be." -Douglas Adams

I am going to make this my mantra for the time being. I have decided to live my life one day at a time. I am young. The big picture will work itself out. I have always been a dreamer. If you asked me in high school what I wanted to do for a living I would have said, "I want to be President." People would say, "Oh, you think you could be the first female President?" And even 1998, 17 year old me, had the right answer to that. "No, Hillary is going to be the first woman President, I just want to run when I turn 35."

I know its a far-fetched dream, but that's not the point. I had a plan. Undergrad. Law School. Then run for office. But, I met The Ex. And instead of studying for the LSAT, I let those books get dusty and I got married. I was 21. Waaaay too young. I wonder now, why didn't anyone try to stop me? My family threw me the big traditional wedding and now they tell me they knew it was a mistake. Now, I know I am stubborn and a great debater, but was 21 year old me too tough of a match for my mother or any of my sisters? I wish someone had stopped me.

The point is, I didn't end up where I intended to go. 1998 me didn't necessarily think she would run for office. But she thought she would head in that direction. And, to an extent, I did. I have a degree in Political Science. With a Minor in English. Hence, the blog. I love to write. And now, instead of Politics being my main passion, writing is. My life may be full of drama right now, but it's my life. It is full of my stubborn, bull-headed choices. Some great, and some not so great. But, I live my life full of conviction, and I am proud of that.

Mr. Nice Guy and I are separated. I'm taking it well for the most part. I am throwing myself into friends, fun, work, and hanging with Eclectic Listener. I spent three nights of the last week at his house. Didn't plan it. But it was fun, relaxing, needed.

I had forgotten how fun it was to make out until last weekend. The most intense, deep, passionate kissing I have experienced in a long time. Maybe since high school.

I know this post wasn't sexy. Don't worry. There will be plenty more sex to write about.

O.

Cumming is delicious.

I love the way an orgasm builds. It's like a wave. You feel it coming. It rolls, swells and rises. You moan. Your breath comes in short bursts. The wave grows to a crest and eventually crashes leaving little waves in its wake. Some ocean waves travel thousands of miles before reaching land. Some amazing orgasms take that long as well.

I laid on his bed and waited for him to touch me. He laid beside me. I talked and talked, my mouth moving incessantly to fill the silences, and to keep me from concentrating on the fact that I wanted him so much, it was beyond comprehension.

Eventually, I kissed him. The first kiss was soft. His tongue slid into my mouth and I heard him groan. I bit his lip. Every kiss that followed had such an intensity and urgency. It was as if the anticipation of the kiss had made us hungry for more. I felt his hand move down my body, pull my shirt down and kiss my breasts. My nipples responded immediately to his touch. His hands kept moving southward. He removed my shorts and left my pink and black lacy panties on.

His hand was between my legs and I could feel how wet I was. His hand felt so good, expertly teasing me. I remember moving in rhythm with him. My hips were grinding against his hand, and my back arched.

But, not yet. Let it build. Feel the pleasure rise.

He touched my clit. It was so sensitive from the wetness. I couldn't handle it for long. He moved back south. I moaned louder and grabbed his arm. My fingers were digging into his flesh, I had to brace myself because my body was trying to shutter.

My legs started to shake. My moans grew louder. I rode his hand until I came and the wave crashed. My whole body shook and I collapsed, breathless. I couldn't move. Couldn't speak. "Are you ok?" He asked. My only reply was a muttered, "Uh Huh." He laughed. I wanted to laugh with him, but didn't have the energy.
My body was spent, and yet ready to feel him inside me.


*I promise. The blog will be back to regular posts in about a week.