Feel.

I have been masturbating a lot lately.
It's not that I haven't been having sex, I have. Eclectic Listener and I have been having a fantastic time fucking each others brains out. It never gets old. The mere thought of his cock makes my mouth and my pussy wet. But, I have still been enjoying the feel of my hand between my legs.

I still stand by what I have said before- giving myself orgasms makes me a better lover. For the most part, I'm comfortable in my own skin. I have grown to love my body with its faults. I love my breasts. How firm they are and when my nipples get hard, my piercings stand out. My full lips. Curves. I think masturbation is at least partly responsible for this. It's hard not to love your body when it brings you such exquisite pleasure.

Cumming. Over and over.

Eclectic Listener tells me to cum on his cock and I do. And, sometimes, if I'm lucky, I get to lick my juices off of him before he explodes in my mouth. I love him pushing my hair out of my face so he can watch me take all of him in. My cheekbones standing out from me sucking so hard. He grabs my hair and I moan with him still in my mouth.

I feel that familiar wetness between my thighs and, I have to indulge.

Electricity.

So, I've slowed down on dating. I was seeing a few guys casually, but no one that I felt any connection with. For this reason, I don't think online dating is for me.

Chemistry is organic, you can't force it. And when reading a profile, sure, someone can sound good on paper and when you meet, there's no spark. I always had a suspicion this may be the case if you met someone from the internet.

And here's why: Pheremones.

Pheremones are a CRITICAL part of your attraction to someone. How can the internet take THAT into account. It can't. And the last time I met someone and felt that instant attraction was Eclectic Listener over a year ago. When we met, we both felt something. And yes, physically I found him attractive, and I'm sure he found me attractive. but, there was something else. It was just an instant chemistry that could probably be chalked up to pheremones. It felt amazing, and is probably the reason thst when we are together, everything feels soooooo good. I don't want to settle for anything less than that. Eclectic Listener has told me he knew then that we would end up in bed together. After that quick 5 minute meeting he knew. That's intense. And it still is. I wish we were still together, but we're not. We are just doing what feels natural. And I'm going to keep doing that until it doesn't feel right anymore. Maybe someday I will meet someone again, and his subconscious will be attracted to my subconscious. Subconsciously.

Empty.

I had the best sex of my life early Sunday morning. I find it hard to believe that the sex keeps getting better with him, even after all this time, but it does.

He thrusted and pounded into me. Making me cum, over and over. Fucked me in my ass, I pushed into him, feeling him deep inside me. When he came, I came. We both were moaning so loud I'm sure we woke the neighbors. I did laugh, because when he came he said, "Praise Jesus, on this Sunday morning!"

Eclectic Listener is an atheist.

I love our connection. He is my favorite person to chat with and tell things to. But, its more than that. We can do nothing together, for hours, and time will fly by. We will make plans to watch a movie, and end up just spending the night talking. That has happened more times than I can count. There is a satisfaction to be found in spending time with someone that you can completely be yourself with.

I worry I will never find someone to love me that I share these same things with. Someone who stimulates my mind and body and makes me laugh. Someone who is confident and masculine. Someone I can do nothing with and have a fantastic time. Someone who can make me cum 15 times a night.

I know I should only worry about things I can control. But, I have a lot of love to give. If only I had someone to receive it.

Are You Listening?

I don't know how to begin.

I went to his place to give him a blow job. He had had a long, exhausting day and deserved a release. He told me he was too tired to even masturbate but, "a blow job would be perfection!" I offered to come over. He said, "That's not necessary, Sexy. But it sounds amazing."

Finally, he said he did want me to come over and do what I do best, and he would make it up to me with a pussy pounding later in the week. This made me happy.

We never jump straight to the sex. We could, but we don't. I arrived at his place and went with him to walk his dog. She is an adorable Siberian Husky. The evening was warm, and as we walked I kept thinking about how attracted to him I am. He has a perfectly trimmed beard that suits his face. I love it.

We went back inside and looked at some music he had downloaded and I rambled on about how I love my new job. We laid on his bed, facing each other and continued to talk. He leaned in to kiss me, but instead of it being forceful and deep right from the get-go like it normally is, it was slow and tender. He leaned into me, and hesitated. His lips were so close, I could feel his breath on my face. He looked at me and our eyes held an intense gaze until I kissed him. Soft and slow, taking our time enjoying the lip lock before allowing our tongues to explore. His hands ran up and down my body, feeling every curve. I had my hand on the back of his head, pulling his hair and gasping between kisses.

I wasn't wearing a bra. He teased and played with my pierced nipples through my shirt. The kissing felt like it simultaneously lasted forever and just an instant. He lifted my shirt and surrounded my hard nipple with his mouth. The combination of him squeezing my breast and intensely sucking my nipple was incredible. I was moaning and gasping from pleasure and pain.

"You're not letting me do my job," I said, "I'm here in a mission." My hand reached beneath his pants and took ahold of his hard dick. I felt the precum surrounding it, and knew I had to taste it. I pulled off his pants, and got on all fours hovering over his cock. I felt my mouth start to water. I licked greedily up and down the shaft. He was so sensitive at this point he was moaning guttorally and sharply taking in breath. I sucked the head. "Oh God." he moaned. I took in the whole thing down to the base. My mouth was so wet my head easily slid his cock deep into my mouth, over and over, achieving the perfect rhythm.

My mouth took over and my jaw started to clench. I was sucking his dick so hard and taking it all in each time. His hands ran through my hair pushing it all out of the way so he could watch my pretty face swallow his cock. "Do you feel how hard it is?!" I did. I felt all nine inches hitting the back of my throat, and I loved it. He grabbed me by my hair and pulled my face to his and kissed me. His hands all over my body. I know it felt good, so why did he stop me. I loved kissing him. The blow job was so intense I wanted to press my lips to his and feel his tongue inside me again. But why did he do it? he has never done that before.

I resumed sucking his dick and again found the perfect pace. We were both moaning and he was shaking all over. His breath was short. I think we both knew this was different than any other time I have given him head. He pulled down my pants and started fingering my pussy and ass. I came effortlessly. I was soaking wet. I thrusted my hips in time with his fingers and kept my head slamming down on his cock. My tongue rubbing the head and swallowing it whole. His hands felt so amazing I felt another orgasm building up. I increased my pace. We came so fucking hard. He was shaking and trembling all over. I kept him in my mouth until his shaking subsided and I collapsed beside him.

I don't know how anything can compare to that.

Singledom.

So, I went on a casual first date last night. He was cute, conversation flowed easily enough, and I was seeing a second date on the horizon.

Then his (ex?) girlfriend showed up.

"How could you do this to me?!?" "Lets go outside and discuss this. I broke up with you."
"No! You said you love me. That you'd love me forever! What about my kids???"
Kids! She has kids! I felt like I had suddenly walked into an episode of Maury.
I was so entranced that for a minute I continued to sip my Diet Coke with Lime and watch with faint amusement. It was a spectacle, for sure.

When she started hyperventilating, I exited the restaurant.

Fuck me, this is why I will be single forever.

Perspective

Life can change in an instant.

This should be everyone in the world's motto after today. What a crazy thing to happen to Japan with the earthquake, tsunami, and their after affects.

My thoughts are with them.

In the last year, I feel as though I have really tried to live my life in a way that makes me happy. It's odd to think that this has to be a conscious decision. But, it does. I have worked through to many things and learned to really enjoy my life. The only thing I did that I regret doing, is give up the blog. I can't do that again. It means to much to write. I like pouring my feelings out on the page. It's therapy for me.

Relationships of any kind are work. Eclectic Listener and I have a fantastic relationship. We are not "together." But, he is my best friend and I love him with all my heart. I am so thankful for that. He is so different from anyone I have ever met. A true loner, but one who cherishes the people he trusts enough to let in. In some ways, I feel for him because he is so guarded. I thought I was guarded, but it turns out that I just need to know you can be trusted, then I will open up. It isn't the same for him. He would open up to me in some big way and then would back off from talking to me for days. I don't even know if he did it consciously, but it was as though he had to take 2 steps forward and 1 step back. It could be incredibly frustrating, but the reward of getting to know such an interesting and genuine person was worth it. I haven't gotten to know someone as well as I now know him in a long time, if ever.

I have entered, for the first time, the world of online dating. Adventures to follow.

I will leave you with this, "After a while, you just want to be with the one that makes you laugh." -Mr. Big

That's what I am looking for. My partner in crime who can make me laugh.

Many Happy Returns.

Happy Birthday to one of my favorite people, Eclectic Listener.

It isn't very often that you meet someone that you just sync with. Someone who understands who you are, with faults, and accepts you. Eclectic Listener gets me in a way no one has before. He is the first person to tell me that I don't see the world like everyone else. I tell him things I don't tell anyone else. Strange habits I have like taking a nice hot shower, enjoying every second of it, only to turn the cold to full blast right before I get out. I told him I think its good for my pores. He laaaaauuuughed, so hard. And said, "Why would you ruin a perfectly good shower?!"

I went to his house on Monday. We hadn't seen each other in awhile. Life has caused some changes in our relationship, but we are still in a good place. We were listening to music on his bed. First, Massive Attack. Talked through the whole album. Then, Goldfrapp. Talked and laughed through another album. Last, the Stay soundtrack. I think it was during that one that he touched me.

His hand found my breast. The touch was reserved because of our absence, but not unfamiliar. I smiled, enjoying the tender touch. His hand travelled up my shirt, and I touched the side of his face and kissed him. Hard. And deep.

Sometimes, I'm afraid no one will ever kiss me again the way he does. It is the exact amount of passion, control, and wetness that I want in a kiss. Once we get into a kissing rhythm, even of our hands are tending to other needs, the kiss will take over. Our hands find the backs of our heads and we are lost. Kissing so deep until I have to pull away and say, "Mmm."

I removed his pants to suck his dick. His body responded to our kiss exactly how I wanted. His perfect thick cock was hard and ready. He loves my blow jobs and I knew this was what he was waiting for. I licked up and down the sides until it was thorough wet. My mouth had been watering in anticipation of this. I sucked the head of his cock and he gasped and groaned. His hand found the back of my head and guided it, up and down the shaft of his dick. Precum was filling my mouth and I greedily lapped it up.

I stopped sucking and kissed him again hard, ran my hands down his chest and started sucking again, feverishly. You could hear the wetness of my mouth and occasional near gag from the size of him. He was thrusting into my face and I loved it.

Eventually I straddled him, relishing being on top and in control. He sucked on my pierced nipples, intensifying my pleasure. I leaned back and rocked back and forth until it became too much and I had to lean down into him, still grinding against him. "Cum baby. Cum on my cock." That was all it took. I moaned and moaned. My muscles tightened against him and he cried out in pleasure. And I came. In a way only he can make me.

Happy Birthday indeed.

Hiatus.

The Blog is back bitches.

Letter.

What do you feel when we kiss? Is it mundane? I think not, judging by your moans and whispers. Is it only so so? Is it inconsequential among the kisses of your past? Some stolen. Others sweet.

What do you feel when we touch? When you touch me? Do you feel the electricity flowing through our bodies as I do? Do you feel breathless and wanted and alive? When we are together I don't doubt the chemistry for a second. When we are apart I feel unsure of where we stand. Where I stand with you. Do you feel anything for me? Or just "something"? Do I just fill your time and give you someone to fuck? Or is there more to it than that?

In the beginning, it was just fucking for me. It grew into more. You became my friend. And a confidant. I realized I enjoyed TIME with you. Not just sex. And the sex got better. The connection grew stronger. The last time we were together, alone, I felt my body become alive at your touch. It was so personal. It's not just sex. It's not a relationship. And, I'm good with that. I just want to know if my senses are lying to me.

When we are together I have no doubt.

When we are apart, there are questions.

HNT. Waiting.

I saw Eclectic Listener today. We made plans for Sunday.

I took a little shopping trip for panties to wear for him. It turned me on, the thought of buying something for him to enjoy. What got this little adventure started was him making a comment about how he likes thongs. Which, surprised me because I have asked his opinion of what he would like me to wear before, and he never mentioned this. So, I went shopping. I bought two new thongs and two new hipster panties. (my personal favorite)

He definitely knows how to make me smile. I hope these put a smile on his face.

Taken.

I didn't know how much I had missed him until I saw him again. It was difficult for me to look him in the eyes the first few minutes we were together because I was afraid he would see right through me, and know what looking at him did to me. The few times our eyes did lock, I felt my body tighten up and I gasped a little. It's the kind of intense attraction that doesn't happen very often. I am not sure anyone has had this kind of power of me. I'm not sure power is the right word, but the response my body has to him is second to none.

We stood and talked by his bar for a while. I knew I wanted to kiss him, but we both like buildup and anticipation so I wasn't sure how long I should wait. Honestly, I wanted to kiss him the second I saw him. He had gotten a haircut. I love his hair. It's naturally blond, but has started to go grey. It suits him. The grey hair blends down his sideburns into a perfectly maintained beard. The beard was new. I loved it. He always had a goatee, which looked great on him, but something about the beard suited his face. It took everything in me not to grab his shirt and pull him to me and kiss him.

About thirty minutes had gone by and we were talking and laughing. We are always laughing. He reached across me for something and turned toward me and kissed me. It was unexpected. I felt the effects of that kiss all the way down to my toes. A tingling sensation ran down my spine and I lost control of my senses. All I knew was I wanted his tongue to continue to swirl inside my mouth and feel his hands on my skin.

We went back to talking and watching something on his computer. He lightly grazed his hand up and down my back. This small gesture felt like electricity pulsing through my skin. It was difficult to concentrate. After what seemed like a lifetime, but was probably just another twenty minutes, he turned to me and kissed me again. His hands pulled me to him tightly, I grabbed the back of his head. We were kissing so deeply, so passionately. I sucked his tongue into my mouth and then bit his lower lip. He pulled my shirt down and grabbed at my breasts, moving his lips from my mouth to my neck. I was moaning. He was moaning as he kissed me. "Let's move this to the bedroom," he said.

I laid on the bed and waited for him. He slid in beside me and I couldn't even wait for him to get settled before kissing him again. At once, the kissing was furious and needed. His hand slid down my shorts and rubbed against my mound. I kissed him harder and moved my hips against his hand.

My shorts and panties came off and I felt his expert fingers rubbing against my clit. I was so wet and my moaning was out of control. Just when I thought I would cum, he would move his fingers inside me and I would buck against them. Then, they would move back to the clit. Eventually, he let me cum. But, that didn't stop him from fingering me. He just put his fingers back inside me until I came again. My breathe was heaving. "Are you alright?" he asked. I smiled and managed a "Mmhmm." He licked my wetness from his fingers. That has to be the hottest thing I have ever seen in my life.

I kissed my way down his chest and removed his shorts. I gasped when I saw his dick. I gasp every time. I can't help it. It's so big and hard, how could you not gasp? I started licking up and down the shaft, his precum tasted so good, I wanted more. I took all of him in and moaned with him in my mouth. I felt his hand on the top of my head. I continued to get his dick nice and wet before taking him in again. His other hand found my pussy and started fingering me. I responded by whimpering while bobbing my head up and down on his cock. I love going down on him. That, combined with him fingering was almost too much pleasure. My mouth was so incredibly wet, and sucking him in as far as it could. His body started to convulse and I was still whining and moaning from him pumping his fingers in and out of me. "I have to be inside you," he said. I laid down next to him and said, " I have been on my knees long enough."

He positioned himself between my legs and slid into me. I inhaled sharply and let out a guttural "Ooooh." I heard him mutter "Mmmm." The pleasure was so intense, we were monosyllabic at this point. His cock felt so big and hard inside me. I tightened around him, wanting to feel more. He leaned down to me and said, "Damn baby, you're so tight." And then he kissed me. Deeply. While still thrusting inside me. Even thinking about this now gives me butterflies.

His body continued pounding into mine until he said,"I'm going to cum. Do you want it in your mouth?" I grabbed his hands and pulled him back into me and he came immediately. His whole body shuddered. I smiled between my moans. I love the look on his face when he cums. It looks so relaxed, masculine, and fucking sexy.

It was by far the best sex of my life.

Sun.

So far, the vacation is amazing. I have had a fabulous time with family and friends, traveled out of state, spent some time in the sun, and managed to get a little tan.

The best part is I am feeling more like myself. The stress of the last couple of months has taken a toll on me, and I usually am a pretty chill person. Right now, I feel as though I am sliding back into my old skin and being more like myself. I don't like being in a situation where I start to lose part of my sense of self. It reminds me too much of when I split with The Ex. The time that we were together morphed me into someone I didn't recognize. Being in a abusive relationship changes you slowly over time. I turned into a girl who was insecure, quiet, and afraid. I will never be that girl again.

I used to host a radio show when I was GM of our college radio station. My cohost, Jersey Girl, was one of the best friends I had ever had. We just clicked. When we get together we talk a mile a minute and are able to catch up on the last five years in about two minutes. She came into town yesterday and spent the night with me. When you are going through a difficult time and losing yourself in the process, there is nothing like an old friend to remind you of who you used to be and give you a little perspective. Jersey Girl has done that for me. We are getting some much needed girl time today with pedicures and spa day.

I talked to Eclectic Listener last night. He says he has missed me. I know I have missed him. I miss just hanging out and talking to him. He told me he was hoping to see me today. I hope so. Jersey Girl leaves early this afternoon and I'm free the rest of the day as I am still on Vacation!! I just keep thinking about having him inside me. My body aches for it. I yearn for him.

Vacation!!

I am going on a much needed vacay! I am ecstatic! The last few months have been so stressful, some sun will be a much needed cure.

Not to worry, the blog won't disappear. I will be out of town until Monday. And after that, I am hoping to spend some time with Eclectic Listener. He told me last week that while I was on vacation he wanted me to be at his "beck and call." He better live up to that. I want to see him a few times while I am de-stressed and happy. He deserves a chance to hang out with the real Nik. And yes, I know he reads this...so for persuasion he should know that I will be tan, in new lingerie, and back in town after missing him for quite a while.

I have been dreaming about Eclectic Listener alot lately. I'm not sure what the dreams mean. In most of them we are kissing or we are asleep. I actually dream about him touching my back while we are sleeping. I know its odd, but I think it has to do with the fact that he gives me a sense of security that I am not feeling elsewhere. I appreciate him for that.

I will leave you with a picture.

Everybody Hurts.

I remember watching 90210, and Brenda listening to Losing My Religion after Dylan broke up with her. I got in my car today, after an emotionally exhausting day, and Everybody Hurts was playing. The irony of everyday life never ceases to amaze me.

Pain is a universal language. We all go through things that challenge us and bring out our best, and sometimes bring out our worst.

I feel like I haven't been the best version of myself lately.

Normally, I am confident, effervescent, intelligent and sarcastic. In recent weeks I have only seen glimpses of the real me among depression and sadness following some major life changes. Everything that has been going on with Mr. Nice Guy makes me sad. I hate thinking that it's over. But it is. Unfortunately, we weren't meant to be. I have to move on and find out what my life is going to be without him. I went so quickly from The Ex to Mr. Nice Guy, I never really discovered single me.

Yes, there is Eclectic Listener. And yes, there are feelings there. But, it isn't something that concerns me. I know we both are wanting to be independent now and be with each other only when we want to be. I don't know if it will progress into something more, or something deeper. I think we are just letting whatever is going happen, happen. Organically. We aren't forcing anything. And, I kinda like that. I like the idea of not being lonely, but also not being put into a box. I want to just do what feels right and comfortable for a while. And for now, this does.

Life is such a funny thing. We rarely learn from the mistakes of others. We see their mistakes and think, "That would never happen to me. I'm too smart for that." When we say things like that, I think it makes God laugh. You inevitably put yourself in the very situation that you never thought you would be, and now it's up to you to do the right thing. Or not. I sometimes feel like I am fumbling through life and eventually, I'll hit the right path. I never did things the way everyone else did.

I have to find my own way.

Making Up for Missed Connections.

Eclectic Listener made up for lost time when I saw him last week. I was definitely starting to question if he was feeling the same chemistry I feel. I am usually pretty perceptive when it comes so these things but I was confused as to why he kept canceling on me. Granted, he had legitimate excuses, but I am an over-analyzer.

He invited me over on a day when storms were expected in our area. He has a terrific view, so I was looking forward to enjoying it with him. We are both storm enthusiasts, even if I am not one to go out and chase tornadoes like he has in the past. Tornadoes tend to find me, I don't have to go look for them.

We spent some time talking and relaxing. It always amazes me how good the banter is between us. I find myself opening up to him about things that I don't tell anyone else. The great thing about it is, he just accepts it. I keep waiting for him to say something about me being crazy, but so far it hasn't happened. He did tell me that night that I was "a truly unique person." He also said he had never met anyone else like me. We talked about how we haven't gotten to know anyone as well as we are getting to know each other in a long time. We spend a lot of time just talking and it is interesting to learn the quirks of another person and get to know them so intimately.

I really like him. I'm not sure how deep the feelings are yet, but I know they are there. And, for now, I am just going to enjoy the ride and see where it takes me.

We were laying on his bed and he pulled me to him and kissed me. I love how his body is dominate over mine in every way possible. I surrender myself to him. I like feeling powerless against my attraction to him. When he touches me, my whole body sighs.

I savored the feeling of his tongue pushing its way into my mouth, parting my lips, and causing me to moan. I could hear him moaning as well. I was running my hands through his hair and pulling him even closer to me until I could feel his heart beat against mine. He pulled away. "Whenever you start to doubt my attraction to you, I want you to consider this." He took my hand and pushed it down to his dick. It was ridiculously hard. "Would it get this hard from just kissing if I wasn't into you?"

He was right. That put my mind at ease. His hand found its way between my legs. I was so wet. His finger expertly teased my clit until I thought I was going to lose my mind. I shuddered at his touch. I could feel my hips bucking and lifting off of the bed, and when I came I collapsed. He continued touching me until I came again.

I started to give him a blow job but I had to feel him inside me. It had been too long and I couldn't take it any longer. "I want you to ride me," he said. That was all the encouragement I needed. I straddled him and leaned down to kiss him. My pussy was so tight from going too long without sex. The size of him was almost too much to take. He thrusted his hips pushing himself into me even deeper. I leaned back, enjoying the feeling of utter ecstasy.

He told me to get on all fours on the edge of the bed. He grabbed my hips and fucked me harder than I had ever been fucked in my life. I felt my orgasms come in waves. I could hear his breathing become more pronounced. He started fucking me even harder, and was moaning louder. I tightened around him. "Oh FUCK," he said. "I'm going to cum." I encouraged him, "Cum baby. I want you to cum." I wanted him to have the same mind blowing feeling I had been enjoying for some time. He came and we laid in bed, gasping for air.

I miss him.

Missed Connection.

I have had plans with Eclectic Listener the last three nights and have yet to see him. No, he hasn't been standing me up. Well, not exactly.

Last week we had a fantastic night together. We had made plans for Sunday night and I was confident our drought would end on Sunday. As I was leaving his house, I said something about having Saturday night off. He took that to mean I wanted to change our plans to Saturday. After some discussion, we decided to make our plans for Saturday.

Friday I texted him and asked what time he was getting off on Saturday. He said, "About 3. Why?"
"Because I wanted to see how our schedules matched up for our plans. We do still have plans right?
"Most Likely, I'll have to see what else I have going on."

WHAT THE FUCK!!!

So, I said, "Um, I'm not really ok with that. I don't get many Saturday nights off and I don't want to have plans that may or may not fall through. That isn't really fair to me."
"You're right, I'm sorry. Enjoy your Saturday night."

I was disappointed to say the least. But, we still had plans for Sunday right?

Nope.

He has re-occurring work on Sunday nights and it kept him up super late. I had to work Monday morning. I suggested we make plans for Monday. He agreed.
"These are definite plans right?" I asked.
"Definite plans."

Monday I went to work looking forward to seeing him. Kissing him. Touching him. Feeling him inside me.

An hour before I am supposed to be at his house, I receive this text.

"Well, in the tradition of cancelling on you and coming off like a complete asshole..."

There was more to the message. He actually had a legitimate excuse. I was disappointed. He also told me, "I hate that I consistently disappoint you." and "I won't blame you if you tell me to fuck off with my track record as of late." I told him to keep me posted on what was going on. "I will. If its not too late, I'd love to still have you over. I am really sorry."

I tried to meet up with him later after his crisis had passed, but he was with family.

I hate that I want to see him. I wish I didn't. I wish I didn't want to feel our lips touch and turn into a heated make out session. Feel his strong arms pull me closer to him. Hear me moan into his mouth.

I wish I didn't want those things.

But I do.

I'm waiting.

It's been 15 days.

Making Out.

*Writers Note: I'm listening to the No Doubt song "Making Out" as I write. Inspiration if you will.

Making Out is underrated once you hit fifteen. Which, is sad. Because it's freaking fantastic. I love the buildup associated with it. When you are kissing someone, bringing their mouth to yours and locking lips. There is just something about it that makes you exhale or sigh. It's gratifying and a release. Especially if there is chemistry.

I love anticipation. It makes the moment where you finally get what you want so much more worth it. I think that is why I enjoy making out. It is a foreshadowing of what is to come.

I went to Eclectic Listener's house and we had an excellent time. We laugh so much. Everything was relaxed and, just good. We laid on the bed and talked. He teased me about something, I can't remember what exactly, and I made a comment about how "mean" he is to me and looked down. And by "mean" I mean he calls me on my bullshit and is exactly as sarcastic as I am. While I was looking down he pulled me close to him and kissed me. Hard. It took me by surprise and felt amazing. It was like everything around us melted and the only thing I could concentrate on was us. I grabbed the back of his head and kept him close to me.

Our kisses aren't pecks. They aren't liplocks. Well, maybe sometimes. But, usually its deep, passionate kissing. I MOAN when I kiss him. It's that good.

Let's be honest here. The kissing leads to bigger and better things. We made out for a few minutes and his hand found the inside of my tank top. I wasn't wearing a bra. He grabbed at my breasts, pulled and twisted my nipples. Made me gasp and moan. I thought I was going to cum from him playing with my tits. Delicious.

My hand worked its way down and teased. He made a comment about how I never just "go for it." I have to tease first. And that's true. I touched his legs. Grazed against his sexy as hell hips. Ran my fingers under the waistband of his shorts. Slid my hand inside and rubbed beside his dick, careful not to touch it. I grabbed his balls and massaged them. I took my time. Then I wrapped my hand around his cock and I said, "Ooooh." I know I should be used to it by now, but every time I see it or feel it, I have a reaction. He told me he loves that part. I don't see it stopping anytime soon.

I couldn't stay too late. I had errands early the next morning. But the time we did have was fantastic and leaves me wanting more.

Virgin.

When it comes to sex, what have you done? What have you not done and would like to try? Is there anything wrong with liking or enjoying traditional sex? And, can you like it both ways?

I'm all for experimentation. But, I do not believe it will make sex better. It can make an already enjoyable experience different and enhanced, but not make bad sex good. The only thing that can make bad sex good is communication. You have to talk about the issues, what you and your partner enjoy and find common ground. It's also about chemistry. Chemistry is one thing you can't fake. It amazes me what a difference chemistry makes in sexual encounters. With OMFG and Eclectic Listener there was amazing chemistry. Still is with Eclectic Listener. I had a friend ask me other day, "How do you know when the chemistry is good?" It got me thinking. If you have to ask that question, you've never felt it.

It's a feeling. A charge. Its pliable. Tangible. It's like electricity between two people. The spark. Eclectic Listener and I are good at eye contact when it counts. There is a look that we give each other and its a total "Fuck Me." look. I don't know how else to explain it. It isn't a longing gaze. It isn't staring into each others souls. It's a three second glance. And its dirty. And I like it. This look, this look is a MAJOR part of our chemistry. I'm not even sure if he is fully aware of the look. But every time it happens, I get wet. Immediately. And he is WELL AWARE of that effect he has on me. He can say a few words to me, under his breath, totally unassumingly, and I will get a look on my face. He'll smile and say, "I just made you wet." My response in my head is "DAMMMMMIIIITTT." Because he is right.

Yes, this all ties into experimentation. Because the sex has to be good for the experimentation to work. And for the sex to be good you have to have chemistry. See how I have gone full circle? I asked Eclectic Listener yesterday if there was anything he hadn't done he would like to try. His response? "I dunno, I'm not a whore, but I've done alot. What about you?" I liked his response and it was almost the one I was hoping for. He and I have a slight dominant/submissive thing going on and he knows I like to be told what to do. So, I figure if we are going to experiment it will work better if he knows what he is doing. I have had a few unsuccessful attempts at being tied up, handcuffed, etc. The chemistry and relationship balance wasn't right for it to work. But, I think this time, it will. Eclectic Listener said he already has handcuffs. I said for him to "cuff me to your headboard and go down on me." The thought of him doing that scares me and excites me. I have a tendency to stop him when he goes down on me because it feels so good, it's too much. If I was handcuffed, I wouldn't have that option.

I want to give him something he hasn't had before. I don't mean a new position, or a new toy, but a feeling. I want him to feel a kind of pleasure he has never felt before. I know this is something that will come with time, and the more we get to know each others bodies. I love going down on him, and I will continue to do this. But I want to give him the strongest, most explosive orgasm he has ever felt. The last time I asked, he said I rank in the top 2 or 3 for blow jobs. This made me slightly sad as I take great pride in my BJ skills. I intend to rank number 1. As soon as possible.

I am so ready to feel him. Soon?

*Writers Note--Apparently, in his post orgasmic haze, I don't listen well. Seconds after posting I receive a text from Eclectic Listener. "Great post. But I told you that it was the best BJ I ever had." So, evidently, my sucking dick like a goddess status still stands. Whew, what a relief.

Starved.

It has been too long since I have had sex. I am craving it. Aching for it. The sex with Eclectic Listener is so explosive and amazing that I cannot go long without it. It's been over a week. Eight days actually. But, who's counting?

It isn't that we haven't seen each other.

It isn't that I haven't had his dick. I have. In my mouth.

It isn't that I haven't felt his touch. I have. On my skin.

But, that most primal urge has yet to be released. I need to feel him inside me. Filling me in a way that only he can. My moans. His groans. Sweating. Breathing. Writhing. Cumming.

I need it.

I need to feel his hands on my hips as he thrusts into me hard.

I need it now.

And, I know you are reading this.

I want you. I want you to take me the way you want me. Make me feel what you want me to feel.

Hopefully I will not have to wait. At least, not another eight days.

My So-Called Life.

We all go through those times in our lives where nothing makes sense. The drama unfolds and how you react will completely change your life. You may not realize it at the time, but it's true all the same. Sometimes, small decisions turn into big decisions and suddenly, your life has taken a new direction.

I love this quote. "I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be." -Douglas Adams

I am going to make this my mantra for the time being. I have decided to live my life one day at a time. I am young. The big picture will work itself out. I have always been a dreamer. If you asked me in high school what I wanted to do for a living I would have said, "I want to be President." People would say, "Oh, you think you could be the first female President?" And even 1998, 17 year old me, had the right answer to that. "No, Hillary is going to be the first woman President, I just want to run when I turn 35."

I know its a far-fetched dream, but that's not the point. I had a plan. Undergrad. Law School. Then run for office. But, I met The Ex. And instead of studying for the LSAT, I let those books get dusty and I got married. I was 21. Waaaay too young. I wonder now, why didn't anyone try to stop me? My family threw me the big traditional wedding and now they tell me they knew it was a mistake. Now, I know I am stubborn and a great debater, but was 21 year old me too tough of a match for my mother or any of my sisters? I wish someone had stopped me.

The point is, I didn't end up where I intended to go. 1998 me didn't necessarily think she would run for office. But she thought she would head in that direction. And, to an extent, I did. I have a degree in Political Science. With a Minor in English. Hence, the blog. I love to write. And now, instead of Politics being my main passion, writing is. My life may be full of drama right now, but it's my life. It is full of my stubborn, bull-headed choices. Some great, and some not so great. But, I live my life full of conviction, and I am proud of that.

Mr. Nice Guy and I are separated. I'm taking it well for the most part. I am throwing myself into friends, fun, work, and hanging with Eclectic Listener. I spent three nights of the last week at his house. Didn't plan it. But it was fun, relaxing, needed.

I had forgotten how fun it was to make out until last weekend. The most intense, deep, passionate kissing I have experienced in a long time. Maybe since high school.

I know this post wasn't sexy. Don't worry. There will be plenty more sex to write about.