Empty.

I had the best sex of my life early Sunday morning. I find it hard to believe that the sex keeps getting better with him, even after all this time, but it does.

He thrusted and pounded into me. Making me cum, over and over. Fucked me in my ass, I pushed into him, feeling him deep inside me. When he came, I came. We both were moaning so loud I'm sure we woke the neighbors. I did laugh, because when he came he said, "Praise Jesus, on this Sunday morning!"

Eclectic Listener is an atheist.

I love our connection. He is my favorite person to chat with and tell things to. But, its more than that. We can do nothing together, for hours, and time will fly by. We will make plans to watch a movie, and end up just spending the night talking. That has happened more times than I can count. There is a satisfaction to be found in spending time with someone that you can completely be yourself with.

I worry I will never find someone to love me that I share these same things with. Someone who stimulates my mind and body and makes me laugh. Someone who is confident and masculine. Someone I can do nothing with and have a fantastic time. Someone who can make me cum 15 times a night.

I know I should only worry about things I can control. But, I have a lot of love to give. If only I had someone to receive it.

Perspective

Life can change in an instant.

This should be everyone in the world's motto after today. What a crazy thing to happen to Japan with the earthquake, tsunami, and their after affects.

My thoughts are with them.

In the last year, I feel as though I have really tried to live my life in a way that makes me happy. It's odd to think that this has to be a conscious decision. But, it does. I have worked through to many things and learned to really enjoy my life. The only thing I did that I regret doing, is give up the blog. I can't do that again. It means to much to write. I like pouring my feelings out on the page. It's therapy for me.

Relationships of any kind are work. Eclectic Listener and I have a fantastic relationship. We are not "together." But, he is my best friend and I love him with all my heart. I am so thankful for that. He is so different from anyone I have ever met. A true loner, but one who cherishes the people he trusts enough to let in. In some ways, I feel for him because he is so guarded. I thought I was guarded, but it turns out that I just need to know you can be trusted, then I will open up. It isn't the same for him. He would open up to me in some big way and then would back off from talking to me for days. I don't even know if he did it consciously, but it was as though he had to take 2 steps forward and 1 step back. It could be incredibly frustrating, but the reward of getting to know such an interesting and genuine person was worth it. I haven't gotten to know someone as well as I now know him in a long time, if ever.

I have entered, for the first time, the world of online dating. Adventures to follow.

I will leave you with this, "After a while, you just want to be with the one that makes you laugh." -Mr. Big

That's what I am looking for. My partner in crime who can make me laugh.

Missed Connection.

I have had plans with Eclectic Listener the last three nights and have yet to see him. No, he hasn't been standing me up. Well, not exactly.

Last week we had a fantastic night together. We had made plans for Sunday night and I was confident our drought would end on Sunday. As I was leaving his house, I said something about having Saturday night off. He took that to mean I wanted to change our plans to Saturday. After some discussion, we decided to make our plans for Saturday.

Friday I texted him and asked what time he was getting off on Saturday. He said, "About 3. Why?"
"Because I wanted to see how our schedules matched up for our plans. We do still have plans right?
"Most Likely, I'll have to see what else I have going on."

WHAT THE FUCK!!!

So, I said, "Um, I'm not really ok with that. I don't get many Saturday nights off and I don't want to have plans that may or may not fall through. That isn't really fair to me."
"You're right, I'm sorry. Enjoy your Saturday night."

I was disappointed to say the least. But, we still had plans for Sunday right?

Nope.

He has re-occurring work on Sunday nights and it kept him up super late. I had to work Monday morning. I suggested we make plans for Monday. He agreed.
"These are definite plans right?" I asked.
"Definite plans."

Monday I went to work looking forward to seeing him. Kissing him. Touching him. Feeling him inside me.

An hour before I am supposed to be at his house, I receive this text.

"Well, in the tradition of cancelling on you and coming off like a complete asshole..."

There was more to the message. He actually had a legitimate excuse. I was disappointed. He also told me, "I hate that I consistently disappoint you." and "I won't blame you if you tell me to fuck off with my track record as of late." I told him to keep me posted on what was going on. "I will. If its not too late, I'd love to still have you over. I am really sorry."

I tried to meet up with him later after his crisis had passed, but he was with family.

I hate that I want to see him. I wish I didn't. I wish I didn't want to feel our lips touch and turn into a heated make out session. Feel his strong arms pull me closer to him. Hear me moan into his mouth.

I wish I didn't want those things.

But I do.

I'm waiting.

It's been 15 days.

My So-Called Life.

We all go through those times in our lives where nothing makes sense. The drama unfolds and how you react will completely change your life. You may not realize it at the time, but it's true all the same. Sometimes, small decisions turn into big decisions and suddenly, your life has taken a new direction.

I love this quote. "I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be." -Douglas Adams

I am going to make this my mantra for the time being. I have decided to live my life one day at a time. I am young. The big picture will work itself out. I have always been a dreamer. If you asked me in high school what I wanted to do for a living I would have said, "I want to be President." People would say, "Oh, you think you could be the first female President?" And even 1998, 17 year old me, had the right answer to that. "No, Hillary is going to be the first woman President, I just want to run when I turn 35."

I know its a far-fetched dream, but that's not the point. I had a plan. Undergrad. Law School. Then run for office. But, I met The Ex. And instead of studying for the LSAT, I let those books get dusty and I got married. I was 21. Waaaay too young. I wonder now, why didn't anyone try to stop me? My family threw me the big traditional wedding and now they tell me they knew it was a mistake. Now, I know I am stubborn and a great debater, but was 21 year old me too tough of a match for my mother or any of my sisters? I wish someone had stopped me.

The point is, I didn't end up where I intended to go. 1998 me didn't necessarily think she would run for office. But she thought she would head in that direction. And, to an extent, I did. I have a degree in Political Science. With a Minor in English. Hence, the blog. I love to write. And now, instead of Politics being my main passion, writing is. My life may be full of drama right now, but it's my life. It is full of my stubborn, bull-headed choices. Some great, and some not so great. But, I live my life full of conviction, and I am proud of that.

Mr. Nice Guy and I are separated. I'm taking it well for the most part. I am throwing myself into friends, fun, work, and hanging with Eclectic Listener. I spent three nights of the last week at his house. Didn't plan it. But it was fun, relaxing, needed.

I had forgotten how fun it was to make out until last weekend. The most intense, deep, passionate kissing I have experienced in a long time. Maybe since high school.

I know this post wasn't sexy. Don't worry. There will be plenty more sex to write about.

Transitions.

It is now Spring. Spring is such a transition where everything blossoms, and goes from being dull, grey, and lackluster to beautiful and in full bloom.

It is the season of change.

I am personally making big changes. I am trying to decide what to do about the Mr. Nice Guy situation. I feel like this is the most difficult decision I have ever had to make. When I left The Ex, I knew I was ready to leave him and that it was the right thing to do. Mr. Nice Guy is such a good guy, that making this decision is anything but easy. I don't want to divulge too many details, but I am not seeing him in the same light anymore. He is being very irresponsible and it is emasculating him to me. I want a manly man. I am feminist, and it is my right to say that that is what I want. I want a man who can make decisions and be a partner to me.

Is that too much to ask?

In relationships, When is Enough, Enough?

I know that relationships have seasons, just like life. And sometimes there are long winters you have to endure to get to the spring. You get that sense of renewal of your love. I don't feel that way anymore. I was talking to him the other day and I said, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you."

I have never had to say anything to him that was so harsh and crude. But, it needed to be said. I believe in total honesty and I want him to know how the situation is making me feel.

It's not a sexy or fun thing to do. But, it's real.

How long do I hold on and hope for him to change? How long do I wait for my feelings to change?

I may never be IN love with him again.

This makes me terribly sad. We have gone from being such a happy couple to this in such a short time. I don't know how it happened. I want to work through it, but you can't force yourself to be in love.

So, for now, I am going to enjoy Spring. I am going to let myself blossom into something beautiful.

Loss.

I feel it surrounding me right now. When loss is surrounding you, it almost consumes you and makes you feel like your are suffocating in it.

I have had my fair share of loss. Even though I knew it was the right thing to do, and I have never looked back, I felt loss when I left The Ex. I felt like I was mourning what we were supposed to have. I was mourning the loss of hope for our marriage and future together. Everything that I thought we would have and everything that I had put into it. I mourned it as though I was grieving a loved one.

Then, I lost my Dad. He wasn't perfect. No one is. He was technically my stepfather, but they had been married since I was 8. He sewed my dance costumes, went to my school plays, cried when I graduated from high school and paid for college and my wedding. He was a fantastic father. He was so supportive when I left The Ex. He hated The Ex for abusing me and wanted to kill him. He restrained himself but felt as though he had failed me somehow for not saving me from that situation. And then one morning, he had a massive arrhythmia in our backyard and died. He suffered lack of oxygen and was brain dead. We had him on life support for 10 days before finally letting him go. It was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. Even though its been about a year and a half, I am crying as I write this.

Now, my life is different. I have Mr. Nice Guy and everything is great. Or it is supposed to be. things are spiraling out of control and our relationship isn't what I want it to be. And it isn't because of OMFG. In fact, I haven't really seen him in three weeks so he isn't factoring into any of what is transpiring at home. Mr. Nice Guy is acting more like Mr. Irresponsible. I feel like I am falling out of love. It makes me sad to imagine that. When we met, I though this was it. I had found the guy that was everything I wanted. But now, I am coming to realize it was too soon after The Ex and decisions may have been made too hastily. I honestly don't know what to do.

On top of this, I have lost a close friend this week. He lost his battle with brain cancer. We just found out he had it on Christmas Eve and now he is gone. I know he is no longer suffering and I am thankful for that. But he was far too young for his life to end. I am mostly sad for my niece and nephew, he is their grandfather, and I hate seeing them go through this all over again. First my Dad, and now this. It's terrible.

Loss is an overwhelming emotion. I need room to breathe.

The Ides of March.

Seriously.

Beware, The Ides of Fucking March.

What a clusterfuck of a day today was. I don't know where to begin.

Yesterday, I thoroughly enjoyed my day off. Spent time with Mr. Nice Guy, the fam, and some of our friends. I had only had about 3 hours of sleep, but had a great day anyway. We did the Rock Band Endless Setlist. Ever heard of it? You have to play every song on Rock Band without stopping. I am not a gamer. But, I do love a challenge. It was fun. I know, I'm a nerd, but I enjoyed it.

Everything was great.

Until this morning.

Saturday night some of our friends invited us out. I didn't feel like going to a bar, it had been a long week and I wanted to rest. But, I insisted Mr. Nice Guy (MNG) go. He had been sick alot of the week and I thought it would do him some good to hang with friends. After much persuading he went. It was a largish group that went out. MNG, a couple we are good friends with, another couple we know through them, and one single girl. MNG hung out with the other 2 men in their group and they played darts, etc. Great, hope they had fun.

Today I get a call from the guy in the couple we are good friends with. He says the other gentlemen is upset with MNG because when he gave him a ride home he kept talking about how hot the friends girlfriend was. As in, he didn't just mention it once. He is riding with the guy talking about his girlfriend. And that she is smokin' hot. Of course, this upset the girls boyfriend and now he wants to kick MNG's ass. So, our friend was calling to let me know so I could possibly help remedy the situation.

Our friend didn't think I would be upset with MNG upon hearing this.

He was wrong.

I was livid. And hurt. I know it sounds crazy, but my feelings were incredibly hurt. MNG has always treated me like I was the most amazing woman he had ever laid eyes on. I know that over time things change, but I never thought he would do this. I think there is an unspoken rule in relationships that even though you may find your significant others friends attractive, you never say it out loud. I think saying someone intangible, like a celebrity or stranger, is attractive is ok. But not your friends. It creates a climate of jealousy and that's not good for anyone. MNG used to shower me with compliments. Not so much anymore. He goes to work before me, so I frequently wake up to a "Good Morning beautiful" text. But, I rarely hear that in person, if ever.

I'm not an unattractive girl.

I think he is taking me for granted. And I told him this. That I felt completely unappreciated. After thinking about it for a minute he agreed. He said that he has gotten to a place where he knows that I am going to always be there. He promised he would make it up to me for the rest of his life and always let me know that he thinks I'm beautiful. But, I don't want him saying it just because I got upset. I want him to actually think I am pretty. I know, I'm shallow.

I think this was the straw that broke the camel's back. This one incident, while upsetting to me, isn't a huge deal. But feeling unappreciated in my relationship is. It has me wondering, did he jump into this relationship too quickly because he loved the idea of being in love? I am MNG first love. He dated other girls, but I'm the first one to meet his family, first to live with, first to say I love you to. He had been looking for love and not just dating since he was in high school, according to his mom. I love that about him. He always has been a really amazing guy. But what if I'm not the one for him?

And the other piece of this is, it was humiliating for me. ALL of the people who went that night know he was saying how hot she was. (by most people's standards, I am better looking that her, but I digress) So, they are thinking he has no respect for me and doesn't really think very highly of me. It made our relationship look shallow and one-dimensional. There was a time when our relationship was full of depth. We worked together to peel back the shell I put around myself after The Ex. We bonded through that experience. He was there for me when my Dad died. He took care of me and made me feel like I could live. Those things brought us together. And now we are falling apart.

The thought of that makes me sad. I know lately things have been rocky, but I always thought he would be the one I would have kids with and grow old with. I don't know where we stand now. I don't know if I am what he wants. He says now he wants me, but why after a few drinks did he proclaim some other chick was "hot" and he can't see me all dressed up and muster a "Wow, you look great?"

He did say this to me though, "I pray that you will come home tonight and cuddle with me. I hope that you nderstand how much I love you. I am dying inside right now. I hope that you give me the blessing of loving you and making it up to you every day for the rest of your life. But, that is what I want. I know it won't be that easy. I know it will take a while for you to forgive me if you ever do. I don't expect you to ever forget."

Where do we go from here?

p.s. I miss OMFG.

Leaving on a Jet Plane.

OMFG and I are done for now.

He called me a couple of days ago and was on his way to work. He was missing me, I was missing him. But we couldn't see each other for one reason or another. I kind of broke down. I told him it wasn't fair to either of us. He agreed, but I could see he wasn't going to be the one to end things. Finally, I started crying on the phone. Not uncontrollably, but enough he could tell over the phone.
I said, "I don't want to do this." (break up)
"Then don't."
"We can't go on like this. Too many people are getting hurt."

LONG PAUSE

Then, I said, "I don't think we should see each other anymore." He tried to fight with me, but I told him it was no use. I was serious. We needed to take time to see how we felt about our significant others and time away from each other to figure things out.

I'm kind of heartbroken.

I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I fell for him. He was so funny, no one makes me laugh like that. He made me question everything I had come to know. Six months ago, I was so sure about my life. I knew what I wanted, where I was headed. Everything is upside down now. How do I make it right? What is right? Do I follow my heart, or make things right with Mr. Nice Guy?

I have no answers.

All I know is, I feel alone. I find myself feeling like that all the time when I am surrounded by friends. I think it is because there is no one who knows what I am going through except for OMFG and thats not helping things. I need someone to confide in. It's hard to keep this all in.

OMFG will be out of town on business for two weeks. I am trying not to talk to him at all. I feel like I should need some space. But I think about him constantly. Incessently. I wake up thinking about him, and I fall asleep imagining myself in his arms.

FML.

When he gets back, we'll talk. See how we feel and how much we miss each other.

Right now, I just want to kiss him.

I love the way he kisses. He starts out so slow, drawing me in. At first, it's just liplocks. It takes a few short kisses for our tongues to find each other. And when they do, the kisses being deeper. We kiss with such a ferver and insistance that you would think our lives depended on it. I don't know how long I can go without that.

Open Mouth, Insert Foot.

Usually I wax poetic about how I may not be making the best decisions right now, but I am generally a good person. Today was an example of how I AM NOT a good person.

In life, I have made many choices that have led me to where I am now. Not all of them were incredibly sound decisions. I think we can all say that though, right? I mean, that's what life is, a series of decisions that lead you to where you are now. I have always loved the Douglas Adams quote, "I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be." This describes me perfectly. I went to college and it took me 5 and a 1/2 years to graduate because I decided to get married to The Ex my junior year. I had to take less classes, and work full-time to support us. I don't regret doing it. I know that I gave that marriage my all and it failed because of things beyond my control. But, it led me to where I am today.

Well, yesterday I woke up early and did things with the Fam. Hung out with my sister and niece and nephew after staying up late to go to a concert the night before. So, I was seriously low on sleep. Then, I went to work and we had inventory, so I was there til 2 am. I don't live close to work so I got home sometime between 230 and 3. I was exhausted. At this time I was texting a friend about possibly travelling with me on Monday to a town a couple hours away because its a long drive and I need company. This is a male friend who has a girlfriend. He said, "I would, but I am not sure how girlfriend would feel about that." This frustrated me slightly because we are friends, all of us, and I hate that she sometimes worries about our intentions. So, I sent him a text that said something like, "I hate that she makes your decisions for you. Like where you are going and who you are going with. It sucks." I'm not sure if those are my exact words, but it was something like that. Today I texted the girlfriend a few times with no response. Finally, she responds and proceeds to tell me that she thought we were friends until she found out that I think she makes all the decisions for her boyfriend. And she doesn't need friends who talk bad about her behind her back.

FML.

I immediately got that hijacked feeling. Do you know what I mean? Emotional hijacking. Like your insides have been taken over by adrenaline and you can't really think clearly. It's like the wind has been knocked out of you. Or you have been kicked in the stomach. I felt terrible. And I told her, "I am a terrible person. You have every right to be angry with me. I was overtired and I said something I didn't mean. I meant it toward him, not you. Like he lets you make decisions for him." She didn't know what he had said to make me make me send the offending text to him, and I didn't want to tell her. I continued to let her know how sorry I was and that she was a great person and I understood if she didn't want to be my friend anymore. She told me that she didn't want to be friends with someone who talked about her behind her back.

This is making my eye twitch. Because honestly, my least favorite quality in people is not saying things in person. If I have an issue with you, I put it out there. I talk about it. This isn't seventh grade, let's grow up a bit. I HATE that I was that person. I said something, and in the context she took it, I am an uber-bitch.

FML.

Which brings me to another quote I love by Oscar Wilde. "A true friend stabs you in the front." I like to be that kind of friend. I dislike gossip and all the trouble it brings. Now, here I am, in the thick of it. *SIGH*

The problem with me not getting enough sleep is, I lose my filter. That device that keeps you from saying exactly what you think and maybe some things you don't even really mean, I lose it. I tend to say what's on my mind anyway, but when I drink alcohol or don't get enough rest I suffer from diarrhea of the mouth. So, I had a very poor choice of words and may lose a close friend over it.

FML.

Crap.

What do I do now?

Kissing. And Other Things That Are Not So Pleasant.

Kissing is underrated. It seems like all people want to talk about is sex. Some kisses leave me so weak in the knees that I think about them for days. I like to close my eyes an daydream about such kisses.

I shared a few of those with OMFG the other day. That's all we did was kiss. No fooling around, or sex. Just touching and kissing. I was more aroused then than I am during foreplay sessions with most people. The feeling of hesitation before your heads move just centimeters away from each other. You can feel their breath on your face. Maybe you smile a little because you are excited and anxious. You close your eyes and your lips touch. Sometimes, its magic.

I realize how cheesy this sounds. But when you are in the lustful, passionate phase with someone kissing is AMAZING.

OMFG leaned in to kiss me and pulled away right before our lips touched. He moved his head back, cocked it sideways, and smiled.

He knew I was dying for it.

I grabbed the back of his head and pulled him to me. He wrapped his arms around my body and held me close. We kissed. Deeply. I could hear both of us sigh amidst our kiss. We both wanted it.

We aren't together right now. He is at home with her. Probably resting comfortably in her arms. Cuddling maybe. I feel a little nauseous thinking about it. And yet, I continue to imagine it. Does he love her in the same way he loves me? Does he feel more comfortable with her? Does she make him happy? Do I make him happy? ARE WE MEANT TO BE??? I don't know.

I keep wondering if he loves me as much as I love him and is he in this as deeply as I am? I have a feeling there is a point of no return I am about to reach. Where we have to go all in, or leave heartbroken. I'm scared of both choices.

I'm at home with Mr. Nice Guy. He is in bed, sleeping soundly. I am listening to the dulcet tones coming from my computer. Heartbreak Warfare. Have two more true words ever been spoken?

I'm a little sad.

Is it strange to feel alone when you're surrounded by people who love you?