My So-Called Life.

We all go through those times in our lives where nothing makes sense. The drama unfolds and how you react will completely change your life. You may not realize it at the time, but it's true all the same. Sometimes, small decisions turn into big decisions and suddenly, your life has taken a new direction.

I love this quote. "I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be." -Douglas Adams

I am going to make this my mantra for the time being. I have decided to live my life one day at a time. I am young. The big picture will work itself out. I have always been a dreamer. If you asked me in high school what I wanted to do for a living I would have said, "I want to be President." People would say, "Oh, you think you could be the first female President?" And even 1998, 17 year old me, had the right answer to that. "No, Hillary is going to be the first woman President, I just want to run when I turn 35."

I know its a far-fetched dream, but that's not the point. I had a plan. Undergrad. Law School. Then run for office. But, I met The Ex. And instead of studying for the LSAT, I let those books get dusty and I got married. I was 21. Waaaay too young. I wonder now, why didn't anyone try to stop me? My family threw me the big traditional wedding and now they tell me they knew it was a mistake. Now, I know I am stubborn and a great debater, but was 21 year old me too tough of a match for my mother or any of my sisters? I wish someone had stopped me.

The point is, I didn't end up where I intended to go. 1998 me didn't necessarily think she would run for office. But she thought she would head in that direction. And, to an extent, I did. I have a degree in Political Science. With a Minor in English. Hence, the blog. I love to write. And now, instead of Politics being my main passion, writing is. My life may be full of drama right now, but it's my life. It is full of my stubborn, bull-headed choices. Some great, and some not so great. But, I live my life full of conviction, and I am proud of that.

Mr. Nice Guy and I are separated. I'm taking it well for the most part. I am throwing myself into friends, fun, work, and hanging with Eclectic Listener. I spent three nights of the last week at his house. Didn't plan it. But it was fun, relaxing, needed.

I had forgotten how fun it was to make out until last weekend. The most intense, deep, passionate kissing I have experienced in a long time. Maybe since high school.

I know this post wasn't sexy. Don't worry. There will be plenty more sex to write about.

Transitions.

It is now Spring. Spring is such a transition where everything blossoms, and goes from being dull, grey, and lackluster to beautiful and in full bloom.

It is the season of change.

I am personally making big changes. I am trying to decide what to do about the Mr. Nice Guy situation. I feel like this is the most difficult decision I have ever had to make. When I left The Ex, I knew I was ready to leave him and that it was the right thing to do. Mr. Nice Guy is such a good guy, that making this decision is anything but easy. I don't want to divulge too many details, but I am not seeing him in the same light anymore. He is being very irresponsible and it is emasculating him to me. I want a manly man. I am feminist, and it is my right to say that that is what I want. I want a man who can make decisions and be a partner to me.

Is that too much to ask?

In relationships, When is Enough, Enough?

I know that relationships have seasons, just like life. And sometimes there are long winters you have to endure to get to the spring. You get that sense of renewal of your love. I don't feel that way anymore. I was talking to him the other day and I said, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you."

I have never had to say anything to him that was so harsh and crude. But, it needed to be said. I believe in total honesty and I want him to know how the situation is making me feel.

It's not a sexy or fun thing to do. But, it's real.

How long do I hold on and hope for him to change? How long do I wait for my feelings to change?

I may never be IN love with him again.

This makes me terribly sad. We have gone from being such a happy couple to this in such a short time. I don't know how it happened. I want to work through it, but you can't force yourself to be in love.

So, for now, I am going to enjoy Spring. I am going to let myself blossom into something beautiful.

Loss.

I feel it surrounding me right now. When loss is surrounding you, it almost consumes you and makes you feel like your are suffocating in it.

I have had my fair share of loss. Even though I knew it was the right thing to do, and I have never looked back, I felt loss when I left The Ex. I felt like I was mourning what we were supposed to have. I was mourning the loss of hope for our marriage and future together. Everything that I thought we would have and everything that I had put into it. I mourned it as though I was grieving a loved one.

Then, I lost my Dad. He wasn't perfect. No one is. He was technically my stepfather, but they had been married since I was 8. He sewed my dance costumes, went to my school plays, cried when I graduated from high school and paid for college and my wedding. He was a fantastic father. He was so supportive when I left The Ex. He hated The Ex for abusing me and wanted to kill him. He restrained himself but felt as though he had failed me somehow for not saving me from that situation. And then one morning, he had a massive arrhythmia in our backyard and died. He suffered lack of oxygen and was brain dead. We had him on life support for 10 days before finally letting him go. It was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. Even though its been about a year and a half, I am crying as I write this.

Now, my life is different. I have Mr. Nice Guy and everything is great. Or it is supposed to be. things are spiraling out of control and our relationship isn't what I want it to be. And it isn't because of OMFG. In fact, I haven't really seen him in three weeks so he isn't factoring into any of what is transpiring at home. Mr. Nice Guy is acting more like Mr. Irresponsible. I feel like I am falling out of love. It makes me sad to imagine that. When we met, I though this was it. I had found the guy that was everything I wanted. But now, I am coming to realize it was too soon after The Ex and decisions may have been made too hastily. I honestly don't know what to do.

On top of this, I have lost a close friend this week. He lost his battle with brain cancer. We just found out he had it on Christmas Eve and now he is gone. I know he is no longer suffering and I am thankful for that. But he was far too young for his life to end. I am mostly sad for my niece and nephew, he is their grandfather, and I hate seeing them go through this all over again. First my Dad, and now this. It's terrible.

Loss is an overwhelming emotion. I need room to breathe.

OMFG Returns.

He's back. I haven't seen him yet. When he left things were broken. I think they are going to be repaired.

He called me today to see how things were going, and if I had been thinking of him. I was honest. I think about him constantly and not seeing him has been verging on devastating. He said it was the same for him and he couldn't get me out of his head. I kept the conversation brief, I wanted time to think about what I should do.

I know that no matter what I do, things are going to end badly. I am going to hurt Mr. Nice Guy or going to hurt OMFG. I didn't think it was possible to have feelings for two people, but now I know that it is. And it sucks. It's kind of bizarre to be in this situation. I have some tough choices to make.

OMFG and I did a little dirty texting today. He was telling me he wanted to try 69ing. Which, I have never done. Shocking, I know. It makes me nervous. I think because I have to give up control, which I have never been good at. He was assuring it me it would be fun and said, "Think of how I could get in there."

Just him saying that made me wet.

I said, "You're being a little dirty."

"A little dirty? It's not like I as saying something like 'I'm going to pull you to the edge of the bed, kneel in front of you, suck on your clit and probe my tongue in and out of your pussy until you cum.' That's a little dirty."

Oh holy hell. After that comment, I was really wet. And even thinking about it now affects me. That man has an amazing tongue.

Hopefully we get to meet up soon. I am sooooo ready to see him.

The Ides of March.

Seriously.

Beware, The Ides of Fucking March.

What a clusterfuck of a day today was. I don't know where to begin.

Yesterday, I thoroughly enjoyed my day off. Spent time with Mr. Nice Guy, the fam, and some of our friends. I had only had about 3 hours of sleep, but had a great day anyway. We did the Rock Band Endless Setlist. Ever heard of it? You have to play every song on Rock Band without stopping. I am not a gamer. But, I do love a challenge. It was fun. I know, I'm a nerd, but I enjoyed it.

Everything was great.

Until this morning.

Saturday night some of our friends invited us out. I didn't feel like going to a bar, it had been a long week and I wanted to rest. But, I insisted Mr. Nice Guy (MNG) go. He had been sick alot of the week and I thought it would do him some good to hang with friends. After much persuading he went. It was a largish group that went out. MNG, a couple we are good friends with, another couple we know through them, and one single girl. MNG hung out with the other 2 men in their group and they played darts, etc. Great, hope they had fun.

Today I get a call from the guy in the couple we are good friends with. He says the other gentlemen is upset with MNG because when he gave him a ride home he kept talking about how hot the friends girlfriend was. As in, he didn't just mention it once. He is riding with the guy talking about his girlfriend. And that she is smokin' hot. Of course, this upset the girls boyfriend and now he wants to kick MNG's ass. So, our friend was calling to let me know so I could possibly help remedy the situation.

Our friend didn't think I would be upset with MNG upon hearing this.

He was wrong.

I was livid. And hurt. I know it sounds crazy, but my feelings were incredibly hurt. MNG has always treated me like I was the most amazing woman he had ever laid eyes on. I know that over time things change, but I never thought he would do this. I think there is an unspoken rule in relationships that even though you may find your significant others friends attractive, you never say it out loud. I think saying someone intangible, like a celebrity or stranger, is attractive is ok. But not your friends. It creates a climate of jealousy and that's not good for anyone. MNG used to shower me with compliments. Not so much anymore. He goes to work before me, so I frequently wake up to a "Good Morning beautiful" text. But, I rarely hear that in person, if ever.

I'm not an unattractive girl.

I think he is taking me for granted. And I told him this. That I felt completely unappreciated. After thinking about it for a minute he agreed. He said that he has gotten to a place where he knows that I am going to always be there. He promised he would make it up to me for the rest of his life and always let me know that he thinks I'm beautiful. But, I don't want him saying it just because I got upset. I want him to actually think I am pretty. I know, I'm shallow.

I think this was the straw that broke the camel's back. This one incident, while upsetting to me, isn't a huge deal. But feeling unappreciated in my relationship is. It has me wondering, did he jump into this relationship too quickly because he loved the idea of being in love? I am MNG first love. He dated other girls, but I'm the first one to meet his family, first to live with, first to say I love you to. He had been looking for love and not just dating since he was in high school, according to his mom. I love that about him. He always has been a really amazing guy. But what if I'm not the one for him?

And the other piece of this is, it was humiliating for me. ALL of the people who went that night know he was saying how hot she was. (by most people's standards, I am better looking that her, but I digress) So, they are thinking he has no respect for me and doesn't really think very highly of me. It made our relationship look shallow and one-dimensional. There was a time when our relationship was full of depth. We worked together to peel back the shell I put around myself after The Ex. We bonded through that experience. He was there for me when my Dad died. He took care of me and made me feel like I could live. Those things brought us together. And now we are falling apart.

The thought of that makes me sad. I know lately things have been rocky, but I always thought he would be the one I would have kids with and grow old with. I don't know where we stand now. I don't know if I am what he wants. He says now he wants me, but why after a few drinks did he proclaim some other chick was "hot" and he can't see me all dressed up and muster a "Wow, you look great?"

He did say this to me though, "I pray that you will come home tonight and cuddle with me. I hope that you nderstand how much I love you. I am dying inside right now. I hope that you give me the blessing of loving you and making it up to you every day for the rest of your life. But, that is what I want. I know it won't be that easy. I know it will take a while for you to forgive me if you ever do. I don't expect you to ever forget."

Where do we go from here?

p.s. I miss OMFG.

Leaving on a Jet Plane.

OMFG and I are done for now.

He called me a couple of days ago and was on his way to work. He was missing me, I was missing him. But we couldn't see each other for one reason or another. I kind of broke down. I told him it wasn't fair to either of us. He agreed, but I could see he wasn't going to be the one to end things. Finally, I started crying on the phone. Not uncontrollably, but enough he could tell over the phone.
I said, "I don't want to do this." (break up)
"Then don't."
"We can't go on like this. Too many people are getting hurt."

LONG PAUSE

Then, I said, "I don't think we should see each other anymore." He tried to fight with me, but I told him it was no use. I was serious. We needed to take time to see how we felt about our significant others and time away from each other to figure things out.

I'm kind of heartbroken.

I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I fell for him. He was so funny, no one makes me laugh like that. He made me question everything I had come to know. Six months ago, I was so sure about my life. I knew what I wanted, where I was headed. Everything is upside down now. How do I make it right? What is right? Do I follow my heart, or make things right with Mr. Nice Guy?

I have no answers.

All I know is, I feel alone. I find myself feeling like that all the time when I am surrounded by friends. I think it is because there is no one who knows what I am going through except for OMFG and thats not helping things. I need someone to confide in. It's hard to keep this all in.

OMFG will be out of town on business for two weeks. I am trying not to talk to him at all. I feel like I should need some space. But I think about him constantly. Incessently. I wake up thinking about him, and I fall asleep imagining myself in his arms.

FML.

When he gets back, we'll talk. See how we feel and how much we miss each other.

Right now, I just want to kiss him.

I love the way he kisses. He starts out so slow, drawing me in. At first, it's just liplocks. It takes a few short kisses for our tongues to find each other. And when they do, the kisses being deeper. We kiss with such a ferver and insistance that you would think our lives depended on it. I don't know how long I can go without that.

Closure.

I had lunch with The Ex yesterday. It wasn't something I had planned. I was on facebook, and read through another friends status that he had moved to MY city. I was a little upset. Ok, more than a little upset. It brought up feelings and memories I had long since forgotten. I started remembering things and it wasn't fun. I didn't like him being here.

I talked to Mr. Nice Guy and explained that The Ex had moved into town. He said, "Of course he did." I asked him what he meant by that and he said it doesn't surprise him because he can't let me go.

I decided to contact The Ex via facebook and see what was going on. He said that he and his girlfriend had split, they have a baby together now, and he had no where else to go. He had friends that live in my city, so he was living with him.

There are several issues with this situation. First, the man is 35 years old. He can't live on his own?!?!? Even though he and his girlfriend split you'd think he could afford an apartment. Nuh uh. No money and he quit his job. Second issue, the friends he is living with here? They were OUR friends when we were a couple. AWKWARD! *sigh* I soooo made the right decision leaving him.

Again, it amazes me I was with this man for seven freaking years! He is intelligent, but with no drive at all, so the smarts go to waste. I worked my way through college and am damn proud of my degree. When we met he was in the Air Force and doing quite well. For the last 5 years he has been a fast food manager. Wow, that is so sad. I told him I had some things I would like to talk to him about, and asked if we could meet for coffee. He agreed.

I hadn't seen him in the 2 years since our divorce. He looked like hell. His clothes were worn out and a mess, he looked older, and sad. Part of me was happy to see this. Despite the craziness of my current love triangle, I'm really really happy now. And it shows. The opposite seemed true for him.

We talked for a couple of hours about his situation now, and I offered my advice. We also discussed our relationship and the aftermath of it. I told him that the things he did to me still affect me now. That sometimes, when I am with Mr. Nice Guy, he will do something to me jokingly, or say something and I lose my marbles. I fall to pieces and cry. And it's his fault. He made me that way. I remember when The Ex and I were out with our friends, if I said something jokingly or otherwise that he didn't like, he would put me in a headlock. And smile and laugh with our friends. Only, he wasn't joking. He was really choking me in front of them and they didn't know it. I knew it. It was a warning. He was saying, "Don't cross that line, Nik. Or I'll do it for real." I had forgotten he used to do that until Mr. Nice Guy and I were play wrestling one day and he put me in a headlock. He wasn't using pressure, he was truly kidding around. I had a panic attack. I started to cry and hyperventilate. Mr. Nice Guy felt terrible. He didn't do anything wrong and it took me a minute to be able to explain what happened. It was that hijacked feeling all over again.

I told this story and a few others to The Ex. And you know what? I think he genuinely felt remorse. He said he thinks about what he did to me every day. And now that he has a daughter, he imagines what it would be like if someone did those things to her and it makes him sick. As it should. I am someone's daughter and I can tell you it took my Father every ounce of restraint he has not to kill The Ex after I told him what happened. The Ex apologized. For everything. He named out things he did to me and told me how sorry he was. And that every day he thinks about me and knows that letting me get away, and not going to counseling to solve his anger issues, is the biggest mistake of his life.

I believe him. He doesn't have anything to gain now from telling me that. He knows I am with Mr. Nice Guy and I am a different person now. He could see it. And I see it. I have closure. I think I can close that chapter now and continue moving forward. It feels good.

Kissing. And Other Things That Are Not So Pleasant.

Kissing is underrated. It seems like all people want to talk about is sex. Some kisses leave me so weak in the knees that I think about them for days. I like to close my eyes an daydream about such kisses.

I shared a few of those with OMFG the other day. That's all we did was kiss. No fooling around, or sex. Just touching and kissing. I was more aroused then than I am during foreplay sessions with most people. The feeling of hesitation before your heads move just centimeters away from each other. You can feel their breath on your face. Maybe you smile a little because you are excited and anxious. You close your eyes and your lips touch. Sometimes, its magic.

I realize how cheesy this sounds. But when you are in the lustful, passionate phase with someone kissing is AMAZING.

OMFG leaned in to kiss me and pulled away right before our lips touched. He moved his head back, cocked it sideways, and smiled.

He knew I was dying for it.

I grabbed the back of his head and pulled him to me. He wrapped his arms around my body and held me close. We kissed. Deeply. I could hear both of us sigh amidst our kiss. We both wanted it.

We aren't together right now. He is at home with her. Probably resting comfortably in her arms. Cuddling maybe. I feel a little nauseous thinking about it. And yet, I continue to imagine it. Does he love her in the same way he loves me? Does he feel more comfortable with her? Does she make him happy? Do I make him happy? ARE WE MEANT TO BE??? I don't know.

I keep wondering if he loves me as much as I love him and is he in this as deeply as I am? I have a feeling there is a point of no return I am about to reach. Where we have to go all in, or leave heartbroken. I'm scared of both choices.

I'm at home with Mr. Nice Guy. He is in bed, sleeping soundly. I am listening to the dulcet tones coming from my computer. Heartbreak Warfare. Have two more true words ever been spoken?

I'm a little sad.

Is it strange to feel alone when you're surrounded by people who love you?

Torn.

I'm falling for someone. I didn't plan this. It isn't because of "the arrangement." It happened despite the open relationship, not because of it.

I still love Mr. Nice Guy. My feelings haven't really changed. When we are together it still feels good. But, when I am with OMFG...life makes sense. I lose my breath, I'm happy, we fit.

How did this happen? We were friends. For a long time. And I think the feelings were brewing at the surface. And then, one day, they exploded. It happened so fast I didn't know what was going on. Before I knew it, we had crossed that line. It went from a "Friends with Benefits" situation to a "I might be in love with you" situation.

I laid in bed with him, with my head on his chest, breathing him in. I love to run my hands up and down his chest and listen to the beat of his heart. He makes me laugh. We come up with the craziest things to laugh about. And when he looks at me, the world stops spinning.

So, what do I do now. Leaving Mr. Nice Guy is not an option. He has been nothing but good to me and I love him.

I know its too late to say this, but I'm not a bad person. I could be your sister, your daughter, your friend. I am likeable, smart and usually I make good decisions. My heart made this decision before my head had a chance to say no. Writing this is painful and difficult. Until now, I have avoided really thinking about the repercussions and avoided having a ton of guilt. "We have an open relationship," I said. "I'm not doing anything wrong."

Either decision I make people are going to be hurt. And it's all my fault. Part of me wants to stay in limbo and not have to choose. But, I know in the end I will have to.

I'm at home now, with Mr. Nice Guy. He is in bed, thinking all is right with the world. I am sitting here, aching in my heart to be with OMFG. I want him to hold me.

I'm torn.

Conflict.

Things are a little disconcerting to me.

I'm in quite the predicament. I love Mr. Nice Guy. Don't get me wrong, I do. He is sweet and kind, compassionate, loyal, smart, funny, all the things I want in a man.

Here's the thing--I realize life, and relationships, have seasons. You go through times of challenge and you come out of them stronger. Sometimes you're so close to one another you really almost feel like one person. And other times its as though you live on separate planets. Well, right now we are somewhere in the middle. When we are together, things are good. I have fun and feel relaxed and have that overwhelming Iloveyousomuchithurts feeling on the inside. But, I don't feel the need to be with him so much anymore. Is this normal? Am I bored? Or both?

I find myself doing more things on my own. Part of me thinks this is healthy because when I got out of the relationship with The Ex, I kind of fell into a relationship with Mr. Nice Guy. I was so afraid of losing him I think I jumped before I was really ready to be in a relationship. I needed time. Time to figure out who I wanted to be. The Ex stole part of me. I had to find part of myself before I had the courage to leave him, and find the rest of me once he wasn't in the picture. And the thing is, its hard to reconcile who the hell you are when you spent most of your twenties with someone who told you exactly who he didn't want you to be.

The Ex was famous for pointing out my flaws, insulting me, and telling me to shut the fuck up at least 3 times a day. The person I was when I met him would NEVER have put up with that. But the person I became did. So, I needed time after The Ex to somehow mesh early 20's, bubbly, effervescent me with late 20's, educated, and post-abuse me. It's so strange, I don't know how to explain it. I feel like I don't know the girl I was for seven years. I look back at when we were together and I literally don't recognize myself. I looked and acted completely different. And the change is not complete. I am still finding out who I am. I think Mr. Nice Guy understands that.

We had a long talk the other night about how I want to continue to grow as a person and finish what I started after The Ex. His only fear was me leaving him behind. Which is not something I intend to do. I just want to leave this decade of my life knowing that I learned something and the time I spent with The Ex wasn't a complete waste.

It's hard to come out of a long relationship like that and see past the failures. You tried to love someone and make it work with them, and it didn't work. So, was the time a waste? Or can something be gained through all the time and pain?

It was not a complete failure. I appreciate who I am now, and I will never be her again.

Life.

Spent good couple time with my significant other last night. It was nice. I cooked for him, which I love because besides sex, cooking is my great passion. And he loved it too, because he saw I was having fun in the kitchen and he got to enjoy great food.

I asked him if he wanted to make out. I was kind of being silly. We went to bed and he started kissing me and it made me sad that it wasn't going anywhere. He would kiss, and it felt good, and his hands would travel up and down my sides, but he wasn't "trying" anything. I made the decision not to initiate. We probably kissed a good thirty minutes before he FINALLY touched my ass. I moaned, to let him know I approved and then he moved his hand between my legs and fingered me.

And for the first time in a while, it felt really good. I kinda thought my clit had died. I wasn't feeling as much as I used to. But there it was!!! YAY! He couldn't get me to O though. So we decided to have sex doggy style and I would finish myself. Not the way I hoped the evening would go, but I digress.
At least I got some action.

And, I am hoping for some today. From OMFG. We shall see.

What is a Girl to Do?

Things are changing.

I really like Mr. Nice Guy. We are talking on the phone every night since we live in different cities. It kind of feels like high school. But, I enjoy the conversation. He is over-complimentary to me. He is always telling me how beautiful or amazing I am. It's weird. So different that what I had with The Ex.

This weekend I am making a trip for a friends wedding and to see him. I wrote that sentence and thought about because am I talking about seeing The Ex? Or Mr. Nice Guy? And, I left the sentence the way it way because I will probably see both of them. The Ex and I have joint custody of two dogs and I would really like to see the dog that he has custody of.

I am definitely looking forward to seeing Mr. Nice Guy. I am thinking that I may be ready to sleep with him. I didn't want to before because I actually liked him, so I didn't want to rush things. It's so easy with him. I feel like myself, more than I ever have with anyone else. I feel like so far, other than the traveling no real effort has to be put in this relationship. It just happens.

So, do I see TDH tonight? Or No?

He wants me to come by the bar that he works at and see him and Lemons. It would be nice to flirt for a minute. Here is how I picture it: I walk in in a jean miniskirt and heels. They think I look hot and are happy to see me. Talk to them for a few minutes and enjoy the flirting, then leave. I don't want anything to happen with them, but I still want to flirt and get that exhilaration of having two guys want me.

Selfish. I know.

Had a job interview today. It went really well and it is a job I would LOVE.

Let's hope I get it.

Is a Relationships still a Relationship if You Don't Call it That??

Things with Mr. Nice Guy are fantastic.

Last weekend he came to visit me, even though I am in my new city which is almost two hours away. I was missing him horribly. Which is a bad sign if you are dating a guy when you aren't sure you want to be in a relationship and he is sure that he wants to be.

Does any of this make sense?

As I have mentioned before, I haven't been single that long. I got out the relationship with the ex and I have dated several guys but still not single for long. I thought it would be at least a year before I had a relationship again. How do you know when you are ready?

Now, my circumstances with The Ex were different. I had to be ready to leave him before I would have the courage to do it. So, in my mind, I was checked out way before I actually told him. We had been together a long time and I really loved him but I had to get out. I couldn't handle the issues that he had. I don't care to go into it here, because some things are private, but suffice it so say it was not a healthy situation.

So, do my circumstances change the amount of time I need before I date someone seriously again?

TDH called me today and wants to see me this weekend. Do I want to see him? I'm not sure.

I have decided to play it by ear. I can't let a really great guy that I love spending time with slip through my fingers. He is amazing. When I am with him I am completely myself. He makes me laugh which is always number one on my list. And, he is the most caring person I have ever met.

The highlight of my weekend?
Cuddling.

Observe.

Some Observations.

There are too many people in the world that don't know how to be single. They make it messy. They meet people that obviously are not a good fit for them and drag it out. Keep dating them. String them along. People get hurt. Hearts can be broken. The interesting thing about this phenomena is that they realize within a couple dates that this relationship won't work out, or the person has characteristics that they don't like and they KEEP DATING THEM.

I don't get it.

I know someone who dated a guy for a while who was not right for her mainly because he had personal issues he needed to resolve. She kept seeing him and was pretty attached. And when it all fell apart, as it always does in these situations, she was hurt. Looking back, I am sure she realizes if she had ended it when she saw the signs she would have been better off.

Hindsight is always 20/20.

I haven't been single long. I was the The Ex for a long time and I learned so much about myself. I learned that when I met him I didn't know who I was. And people who have no identity have no business dating. I lost myself in him. Which is an absolute shame because I am an interesting intelligent woman. It has taken me a while now to regain what I had lost and become whole again. I don't want to repeat that pattern that I had with The Ex so I am uber conscious when dating now. I look for the signs. Does he seem controlling? Do I apologize too much to him? Do I pretend to be interested in things I don't like to appease him? So far, I haven't done any of those things but when you are in your early twenties you sometimes want to be in love so much that you fall in love with the idea of it instead of the person. Or, at least, that is what happened to me.

Things with Mr. Nice Guy are still good. No sex yet. Wednesday night we slept together and he held me all night.

It felt right.

Choices.

I heard from Hottie on Saturday. He wanted me to meet him at a bar but I was on a date with Mr. Nice Guy. I know what would've happened had I shown up. We would have had a few drinks and then gone back to his place. There is no real potential for dating there. (He has some personal things going on that I don't want to be involved in) But the man is beautiful. I told him I would be in town in two weeks. We left it at that.

I don't know that I want to see him at all though. I really like Mr. Nice Guy and an don't want to mess this up. It's strange, I was not looking for a relationship at all. I wanted to date and have fun. Which, I am. We are not exclusive, but I can see that is where this is headed. I'm not sure how I feel about that. On, the one hand I REALLY like him and enjoy his company. He makes me laugh which is sooo important to me. On the other, I was having a great time being single and I am not ready to give that up. So, for now at least, I am not going to. I am going to have fun but keep it from getting to serious. I will take it a day at a time.

Mr. Nice Guy and I still have not had sex. We have fooled around a little and something happened that concerned me. He does not manage his "situation." I thought that by our generation men knew the rules concerning this. I understand men wanting us to be taken care of in that area. It makes oral sex alot more fun. But, HELLO! We want the same courtesy from you!!!!! I love giving blow jobs. I can't say this enough. But I don't want hairy balls. I can't handle that. It's so not sexy. But, how do I bring this up without crushing him? I know he would be so embarrassed. Should I overlook it? Can I? I'm not sure. This is really perplexing me.

Other than that, so far the fooling around is good. He tends to have a bit of ADD when it comes to fingering me.
We were in bed and he moved his hand down my stomach to the top of my panties. I moaned a little to let him know that it felt good and he slipped his hand inside my panties. Immediately he found my clit. He was massaging it perfectly. I was squirming and moaning. He actually moved his body down toward my pussy so he could see it while he worked. It was hot. Then, when it was feeling really good and I was covering my face with a pillow, he stopped. He moved his fingers inside me, and that felt good too. He was pumping them in and out. My back arched. I moaned louder. And again he stopped. I understand building up the orgasm. But I am almost positive he wasn't doing that on purpose. I think he just thought he should alternate between the two for me to cum. I don't work like that. Once you find out what feels good and are doing it, DON'T STOP!!! Not until I moan, my back arches, I grab onto you and you feel the kegels tighten around you and I moan louder. Then I cum. Then you can stop.

I can teach that though. And I will, the next time I see him.

Dating Mr. Nice Guy

An interesting thing happened this week. After all the drama and craziness of TDH, Lemons and the Future Archaeologist, I started dating someone completely new. And I like him.

I wanted to post before now, but honestly I have been so busy I haven't had the time. Our first date was about a week ago and it was different than any other date I have been on. It seemed so natural. I didn't have to pretend with him, there were no games, it was just two people talking and enjoying the company of one another.

After the first date, I was concerned because, well, he is so NICE. I have never been with a guy that wasn't at least a 1/3 asshole and Mr. Nice Guy was so genuinely nice that I questioned it. He made NO MOVES the first date. He held my hand, put his hand on the small of my back, and smiled when I was telling a story. At the end of the night, no kiss.

I was in shock.

The second date we went to hear his friend sing in a band. She was amazing. And again, it was so comfortable. He was making me laugh and I was myself.

My last relationship I wasn't allowed to be myself. That is a really hard statement for me to make because I am an incredibly independent person and I never thought I would be in that situation, but I was. I made changes to myself to appease him and I lost myself in the process. I feel like I am back to who I was before we met, before we became a couple, before I got lost in all the fighting.

And now, with Mr. Nice Guy, I am able to be out with a man and feel like I am adored. It's strange.

And anyway, I kissed him.

I didn't think he was going to go for it without my okay so while we were playing pool and we had been laughing about something, I leaned into him and kissed him. He was receptive and closed his eyes and locked his lips with mine. It was slow, and soft, and I remember what he smelled like. I normally don't feel this doe eyed when it comes to guys...but something is different here.

We spent the following four days together. In between work and other committments we spent every evening together (and a few mornings) for the last four days. And, we haven't even had sex! I KNOW! I AM AS SHOCKED AS YOU! But, I like him, and don't want to rush it. So, we are enjoying each others company and seeing where things go.

Right now I live in two cities. One is my old city but I still have a house there and some committments but I have moved to another city two hours away. So, I am in the new city and Mr. Nice Guy is in the old. It's so unfortunate I didn't meet him earlier and we might have more time together. But, for now we are going to play it by ear.

Earlier today we were on the phone and he told me he just wanted me in his arms again. And, as cheesy as it sounds, that is all I can think about.