Loss.

I feel it surrounding me right now. When loss is surrounding you, it almost consumes you and makes you feel like your are suffocating in it.

I have had my fair share of loss. Even though I knew it was the right thing to do, and I have never looked back, I felt loss when I left The Ex. I felt like I was mourning what we were supposed to have. I was mourning the loss of hope for our marriage and future together. Everything that I thought we would have and everything that I had put into it. I mourned it as though I was grieving a loved one.

Then, I lost my Dad. He wasn't perfect. No one is. He was technically my stepfather, but they had been married since I was 8. He sewed my dance costumes, went to my school plays, cried when I graduated from high school and paid for college and my wedding. He was a fantastic father. He was so supportive when I left The Ex. He hated The Ex for abusing me and wanted to kill him. He restrained himself but felt as though he had failed me somehow for not saving me from that situation. And then one morning, he had a massive arrhythmia in our backyard and died. He suffered lack of oxygen and was brain dead. We had him on life support for 10 days before finally letting him go. It was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. Even though its been about a year and a half, I am crying as I write this.

Now, my life is different. I have Mr. Nice Guy and everything is great. Or it is supposed to be. things are spiraling out of control and our relationship isn't what I want it to be. And it isn't because of OMFG. In fact, I haven't really seen him in three weeks so he isn't factoring into any of what is transpiring at home. Mr. Nice Guy is acting more like Mr. Irresponsible. I feel like I am falling out of love. It makes me sad to imagine that. When we met, I though this was it. I had found the guy that was everything I wanted. But now, I am coming to realize it was too soon after The Ex and decisions may have been made too hastily. I honestly don't know what to do.

On top of this, I have lost a close friend this week. He lost his battle with brain cancer. We just found out he had it on Christmas Eve and now he is gone. I know he is no longer suffering and I am thankful for that. But he was far too young for his life to end. I am mostly sad for my niece and nephew, he is their grandfather, and I hate seeing them go through this all over again. First my Dad, and now this. It's terrible.

Loss is an overwhelming emotion. I need room to breathe.

Curves.

I have curves.

It has taken me years to come to love my body. I don't love everything about it. There are parts I loathe. But, it's mine. I'm not a skinny girl, I never will be. My body is made to have meat on it.

I have curves.

I love the curve of my calves, lean and muscular. They look great in heels. I love the smoothness of my legs and how when OMFG runs his hands up and down them, I quiver. My legs are tan. And strong, from ten years of work on my feet. Desk jobs never did suit me. The one concussion I have had in my life I got working a desk job. I'm a busy body. It keeps my body strong.

I love having an hourglass figure. When I wear a tank top and skirt, like I did today, I feel beautiful. I love the roundness of my breasts and their silhouette when I catch a glimpse of them from the side.

I have curves.

My body is fleshy and mine. I didn't write this post to be narcissistic. People who know me well read this blog and know that I am insecure but confident. It's an oxymoron but it suits me. I know what I look like and I embrace it. I am comfortable in my own skin. I love my curves.

Here's to my first HNT.

Fetish Ball.

Saturday night I had the honor of being a guest at a Fetish Ball and Erotic Art Show. It's an annual event, and this was my second time to go. The theme was Cirque Fantastique. Every year they choose a theme and your costume and the art can reflect that. The first year I went the theme was Erotica in Wonderland. They had naughty Alice's and dirty Mad Hatters everywhere. I fell in love with the event then.

I thought the Cirque theme went along with Erotic Art beautifully. It was a sea of naked bodies, color, glitter and sex. The art was fantastic. I loved the honesty of it. There was a picture entitled Anticipation and it showed the silhouette of three people sunbathing. There was a woman in the center, and men on either side and she was stretching her arms out to touch them. Anticipation for the threesome they would be enjoying later.


The piece to the left was my fave. I love the idea of a holster for my vibrator. And where the bullets should be? Double AA Batteries. LOVE IT.
There is even a little mini-clit vibe next to the larger one. I could have tons of fun with this.
OMFG isn't really into toys. He's kinda missing out.


The show piqued my interest in body painting. I think the next time I go I may indulge. I love the idea of being at the show and my breasts being fully exposed yet still leaving you wanting more.


I think this goes back to my shameless love of my breasts. I love them. They are natural and full, but not overly large. And perky. Very perky. Right now I am wearing a T-Shirt with no bra and my erect nipples are pointing straight out. Hmmm....
Kinda makes me want to masturbate.

I can't wait for next years show. The Carnality Ball is coming up. It's like the Fetish Ball only more overtly sexual. I haven't decided if I am going to go or not.

I'm thinking I should.

Masturbation.

Is it still taboo?

For women at least, I believe it is. It's the thing we discuss openly only after too many glasses of wine, and the inhibitions have slowly disappeared in a Cabernet haze.

And then, many times, the conversation is limited to "Do you do it?" "Do you use a vibrator?" Or, "I USED to do it. When I was single." That last line I don't believe a bit. I haven't been single in two years, but I still double-click my mouse.

It is a stress reliever for me to be able to bring myself to orgasm. I enjoy doing it. Sometimes it's quick. I just need to relieve tension and I can get myself off in about a minute. But, other times, I drag it out. I bring myself near climax and stop. Bring myself to near climax again, and stop. Do this until I can't take it anymore, and finally, I allow myself to cum, and my fingers are drenched in my own wetness.

That's my fave.

I love it when I have the time to develop a fantasy in my mind. Lately, it has been OMFG and I 69ing. Since, this is still something I have never tried, it makes for perfect fantasy. I keep thinking back to him saying to me, "Think of how I could get in there." He is so forward sometimes with what he wants to do with me, and it turns me on like crazy. So, I'll start with thinking of him saying that. Then, I imagine feeling his tongue probing in and out of me while I suck on that perfect dick of his. Just thinking about it now is getting me wet. I can imagine my hands touching his strong legs, feeling our bodies against eachother, both of us in utter ecstasy. Imagining these things makes me rub my legs and the outside of my pussy lips. When I am ready, I slip my finger inside and find my clit to be hard. It feels electrifying when I touch it and I work myself to orgasm by slowly massaging it with my middle finger. I take my time, and when I am ready, I cum. HARD. And, usually, fall asleep after.

I believe masturbation and a relationship shouldn't cancel each other out. The fact that I understand how my body works, and what I like in bed, makes me a better lover. Most of my girlfriends that admit to me that they don't touch themselves have fairly boring sex lives and aren't great lovers. I know this because, unfortunately, alot of their partners complain to me. It's funny, my friends all know I am very open when it comes to sex, so I hear every one's dirty laundry. I don't mind helping though, even if that makes me the whore of the group.

And honestly, what guy doesn't get turned on by seeing a girl touch herself? Men, I want to know, if your girlfriend saw you undressing and was so turned on she HAD to slip her hand inside her panties and touch herself, wouldn't you be turned on?

My guess, is YES.

Worth The Wait.

I finally saw OMFG.

Once he got back into town, the texting started immediately. Some of it was dirty. Some of it wasn't. With us, the sex is incredible, so somehow the conversation always finds its way back to that. But, we also enjoy talking about other things and just spending time together. I can remember one day, that he made me laugh so hard I was crying. He was just imitating the sad faces I was making at him because we didn't have time to have sex. He was laughing too, and not just being mean.

I left the door unlocked for him to let himself in. I saw a car pass by my office window and my heart started racing. I don't know what it is about him, but every time we are going to be alone, I immediately get nervous. I double checked myself in the mirror. My hair and face looked pretty. But, my clothes were not my favorite. When I found out he was coming over, I asked him if he cared what I was wearing. He said, "Well, how long are you going to have it on?" I replied, "Two, maybe three minutes." "Well, then it doesn't really matter, does it?" So, I had on a cute pair of shorts and a top that accentuated my breasts and the fact that I was not wearing a bra. I have perky tits so I can get away with that.

I stood up and waited for him in the doorway of my office. When he approached me I sheepishly said, "Hi." He put his arms around my waist and pulled me to him and kissed me deeply. I accepted the kiss and grabbed his head and kissed him harder. He grabbed my breast through my shirt. When he pulled away he moaned under his breath. "What was that?", I asked, smiling at him. He just smiled back and led me to the bedroom.

Within about five minutes we were both naked. I don't remember who undressed whom. He wasted no time in going down on me. I could feel his tongue find my clit and stroke it up and down. I was moaning and bucking my hips. I have always loved oral sex, but something about the way that he does it makes me crazy. His tongue moved further south and was thrusting in and out of me. My orgasm came in waves. I was moaning ridiculously loud and gripping the sheets. He moved his body back up and was hovering over me. It was so good to see his face. Without warning, he pushed himself inside me. I gasped. He has the most perfect dick I have ever seen. I frequently tell him that, and I think I am making his ego too big for his own good.

I met his thrusts and grabbed onto his shoulders. He felt amazing. He stood up and pulled me to the edge of the bed and went down on me again. This seemed to be the theme of the day. Fuck for a few minutes, lick my pussy, and then resume fucking. Not that I minded at all. I had missed that tongue so much I would have let him go down on me all day. Then, he put my legs on either side of his head and was able to fuck me deeply. I came again.

After that, he had me get on all fours on the edge of the bed and he entered me from behind. This is my all time favorite position. He gripped onto my hips and was fucking me harder than I have ever been fucked in my life. It was incredible. The orgasms just poured out of me. I have never had a stronger sexual connection with anyone. Ever. I kept him standing on the side of the bed and laid perpendicular to him. I started licking his cock. He grabbed my head and moaned. "Oh, God." I heard him say. I started sucking it, my mouth was wet and he easily slid in and out of my mouth. I continued until I thought he was close and I had him lay down. I got on top of him and watched his reactions as I rode him. Love the reaction. His face said it all.

It is a little blurry after that. I know that all told, I came thirteen times!!!! Thirteen! What. The. Fuck. I didn't know thirteen times was possible. But, apparently, my pussy knows no bounds.

I'm ready to see him again.

OMFG Returns.

He's back. I haven't seen him yet. When he left things were broken. I think they are going to be repaired.

He called me today to see how things were going, and if I had been thinking of him. I was honest. I think about him constantly and not seeing him has been verging on devastating. He said it was the same for him and he couldn't get me out of his head. I kept the conversation brief, I wanted time to think about what I should do.

I know that no matter what I do, things are going to end badly. I am going to hurt Mr. Nice Guy or going to hurt OMFG. I didn't think it was possible to have feelings for two people, but now I know that it is. And it sucks. It's kind of bizarre to be in this situation. I have some tough choices to make.

OMFG and I did a little dirty texting today. He was telling me he wanted to try 69ing. Which, I have never done. Shocking, I know. It makes me nervous. I think because I have to give up control, which I have never been good at. He was assuring it me it would be fun and said, "Think of how I could get in there."

Just him saying that made me wet.

I said, "You're being a little dirty."

"A little dirty? It's not like I as saying something like 'I'm going to pull you to the edge of the bed, kneel in front of you, suck on your clit and probe my tongue in and out of your pussy until you cum.' That's a little dirty."

Oh holy hell. After that comment, I was really wet. And even thinking about it now affects me. That man has an amazing tongue.

Hopefully we get to meet up soon. I am sooooo ready to see him.

Suck It Like You Mean It.

When I left off on the last Blow Job post, we had discussed getting it started. The warm up, if you will.

So, what's next?

The Seduction of His Dick.

If the man you are with knows that you really don't want to be sucking his cock then he isn't going to enjoy it. You may hear, "You don't have to do that." or "I don't even really like it." "Let's just have sex."

LIES.

He wants it. But, he also wants you to want it. So, look at him. When you have already warmed him up, look him in the eyes and envelop the head. You don't have to rush into taking it all in. For one thing, the anticipation can be pretty awesome, and two you have time to get your mouth nice and wet before sucking the shaft. Look into his eyes and continue sucking it. He will be so turned on at the sight of you being a dirty girl. His sweet innocent girlfriend is blowing him and it freaking rocks. Moan while you look into his eyes and suck his dick. He will be at your mercy. And, you will be able to watch his reactions which will be a HUGE turn on for you.

Moaning during a blow job is a must. I mean, how can you not moan? I love the look on his face and when I am going down on OMFG, I love the smoothness of his cock. It's so hard and big the mere sight of it makes me moan and whine. Literally. He will also be able to feel the vibration of your moan furthering his pleasure. Not to mention that he will think it's pretty awesome that you are MOANING while taking in his most prized possession.

Take it all in. When you know he is ready, and believe me, you'll know. He'll be grabbing your head and trying to force it down, or pulling your hair. Put the whole thing in your mouth. Or as much as you can handle to take in at once. He will breathe a sigh of relief. It feels so good and he is getting exactly what he wanted. Now, your mouth has to be sufficiently wet. Hydration is important. You'll get into a good rhythm pumping your head up and down and moaning. Take cues from him on what he is enjoying. He will moan, sigh, breathe heavily, grab your head. Sometimes with OMFG, I will get into a rhythm and stop momentarily to stretch my jaw and he will have his hand on my head and say, "NOOOO!" Cause it feels so fucking good he doesn't want me to stop. I LOVE THAT. I want to always make him feel that way.

If you can't take all of him in, put your hand around the shaft and cover the part you can't get to. Match the pace of your thrusts with your hand motion. It will be almost as good. It also could be a positioning problem. I find with OMFG that it is difficult for me to take all of him in when he is lying down and I am on all fours. I take enough of him in that he doesn't complain, but it's not the whole thing. I love the all fours position though because I can turn in a way that he can play with my pussy while I go down on him. Then, I moan uncontrollably b/c that man has amazing hands and he gets an amazing blow j. It's win win. The position that works best for me in order to take all of him in, is me on my knees with him standing. I can grab his legs and we can meet each other with each thrust. It puts my head and throat in such a position that there is more depth for him to slam into. He can fuck my face and I love it. He loves it too.

I know this because I have a saved text message from him where he said, and I quote, "You suck dick like a goddess."

I love that man. And I miss him.

We are almost ready for the Blow Job tutorial conclusion; To Swallow, or Not to Swallow? That is the Question.

Dear Reader.

I am missing OMFG like crazy. It's getting a little insane. I can't see him since he is out of town, but the urge to talk to him is overwhelming. I can't silence the voices.

The number one thing on my list of what I look for in a man, is a sense of humor. My sense of humor is dry and sarcastic and this gets me into trouble. MOST of my friends have known me a long time, and are used to my series of one-liners and jabs. I have some new friends though, and they don't always get it.

Case in point, sent a text to a friend commenting on something she had said. My text said something like, "You know I wouldn't do that, I'm not a heartless bitch." She took it to mean that I think, she thinks, (I know 7th grade gossip here) I'm a heartless bitch. But I meant what I said. It was statement of fact. I AM NOT A HEARTLESS BITCH. Sigh.

But, OMFG gets my sense of humor and even laughs at my jokes! Hurray! I am not crazy, just not obviously funny. It's more under the surface.
I'll say something mean and sarcastic to you, joking of course, and you'll say, "What?" and I'll reply, "I said your hair looks nice."

I want to lay in bed with him and laugh and joke and smile.

Ok, back to the point of this post.

Dear Reader,
Who are you? I have been checking my Google Analytics and the U.S. still reigns for most readers of my blog. But Spain took over Canada for second! I have several visitors from Spain, but a recurring one from Madrid. Who are you? And please, comment!
And, my most loyal reader is from Getzville, NY. I had never heard of Getzville, but hey, that's cool. I do love New York. I can't wait to go back. It's been awhile. And, also, thanks for coming by so often.

I know that was really cheesy, but Google Analytics is seriously amazing. I love pulling it up every night and seeing who has checked out the blog.

I also have a question for you that will help in an upcoming blog post.

What do you enjoy most about sex?

I think we all have different passions, things that excite us, entice us, and reel us in. What feels good to you? I want to post something similar to the Blow Job post. Help a girl out.
For me, its all about getting their shirt off and admiring their hip bones before I remove the pants. I just want to kiss and suck that whole area. OMFG is ticklish there. He always tries to get me to pull away. It's cute, I love it.

How do I make OMFG get out of my head?

Leaving on a Jet Plane.

OMFG and I are done for now.

He called me a couple of days ago and was on his way to work. He was missing me, I was missing him. But we couldn't see each other for one reason or another. I kind of broke down. I told him it wasn't fair to either of us. He agreed, but I could see he wasn't going to be the one to end things. Finally, I started crying on the phone. Not uncontrollably, but enough he could tell over the phone.
I said, "I don't want to do this." (break up)
"Then don't."
"We can't go on like this. Too many people are getting hurt."

LONG PAUSE

Then, I said, "I don't think we should see each other anymore." He tried to fight with me, but I told him it was no use. I was serious. We needed to take time to see how we felt about our significant others and time away from each other to figure things out.

I'm kind of heartbroken.

I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I fell for him. He was so funny, no one makes me laugh like that. He made me question everything I had come to know. Six months ago, I was so sure about my life. I knew what I wanted, where I was headed. Everything is upside down now. How do I make it right? What is right? Do I follow my heart, or make things right with Mr. Nice Guy?

I have no answers.

All I know is, I feel alone. I find myself feeling like that all the time when I am surrounded by friends. I think it is because there is no one who knows what I am going through except for OMFG and thats not helping things. I need someone to confide in. It's hard to keep this all in.

OMFG will be out of town on business for two weeks. I am trying not to talk to him at all. I feel like I should need some space. But I think about him constantly. Incessently. I wake up thinking about him, and I fall asleep imagining myself in his arms.

FML.

When he gets back, we'll talk. See how we feel and how much we miss each other.

Right now, I just want to kiss him.

I love the way he kisses. He starts out so slow, drawing me in. At first, it's just liplocks. It takes a few short kisses for our tongues to find each other. And when they do, the kisses being deeper. We kiss with such a ferver and insistance that you would think our lives depended on it. I don't know how long I can go without that.

The Eyes Have It.

The last time I saw OMFG it was only for a little while, and it was in mixed company. His girlfriend was there along with other friends. It's so strange to be in that situation with him. We have this HUGE secret that no one else in the world knows, except all of you, and we have to keep it hidden. For now anyway. The thing that intrigued me about seeing him today was it felt different to me. It felt like there was a shift in our relationship in the last few days. It wasn't a bad thing, just different. It was almost like the secret was harder to contain.

There were three times in the hour or so that we were together that he LOOKED at me. This is a look that kind of knocks the wind out of you. It lasts a little too long, past the amount of time that is normally acceptable. He really looks into my eyes and its almost like he can see right through me. I love it when he looks at me this way. But normally he doesn't let his guard down enough to let it happen so often in mixed company. On most occasions, he will look at me like that once. Just enough to let me know that the feelings are still there and he is thinking about me. But, three times was something major. It felt good. I want him to be able to look at me like that all the time.

Even if I hadn't been able to see him, I would have been okay today. We were able to text alot throughout the day. It was fun, and nice. We were talking about how we are both ready to be able to have sex again. Its been awhile now because of our difficult situation. We discussed boundaries. He said, "I don't do anything you don't want me to do." Then, a minute later another message, "Of course I'm not sure what you wouldn't let me do."
I said, "So you think I don't have any sexual boundaries?"
"I know you do. Just not sure what they are at the moment."

So, we decided the next time we are together, he is going to blindfold me. I know, blindfolding isn't so crazy, but I think it will be fun. He said that I would be squirming, wondering where his tongue was going to go next. And that's true. In my daily life, I'm always in control. I work as a manager, I tell people what to do, and in my relationships normally I am in the drivers seat. So, the thought of relinquishing my control to him by allowing him to blindfold me, is exciting.
He asked me, "Aren't you afraid of being vulnerable?"
I said, "With you, I'm never afraid."

Lost.

Damn it! I cannot do this anymore!!! I just texted OMFG and had something I wanted to talk to him about and he asked what it was. I asked if I could speak freely, meaning is the GF around. And he said it would have to be tomorrow. This sucks.

I know that I am doing something I shouldn't be. I know he has a girlfriend. But I need him. I wanted to tell him that I am dying to be laying in this arms. The pain of not being able to do that is killing me. I feel this stabby pain in the middle of my chest. It's terrible.

We had lunch today and it was nice. The restaurant was dimly lit, so we were able to hold hands and talk without being caught. I got to pretend for a minute that I was the girlfriend. We discussed our situation and how to handle it. The conversation was a long time coming because often when we kiss he'll say "What the hell do we do now?" The feelings are too strong. We have passed the point of no return. So, today at lunch we discussed this.
We agreed we had two possible options.
1. Cut our losses. We could end the relationship now and spare our significant others feelings. This would enable us to exit the relationship with our good memories in tact and know that it was fun while it lasted, but us being together isn't a good idea.
Pros: S.O.'s not hurt. No messy breakup.
Cons: Our feeling would still be there. Waiting in the wings. I would wake up every day and wonder what he was doing and if he was happy. I would still love him. He said he would have regret and wonder if we were meant to be. And his feelings wouldn't go away. He would still love me.

2. Continue down this path until we cross the next line: We love each other more than we love the people we are with now. At that point decide if we leave them for each other.
Pros: We get to be together. All the time.
Cons: What if we don't like it? What if its only great now because we don't have to be the 1st girlfriend/boyfriend, just the one on the side? Also, would cause great pain to our current S.O.'s. Would be an incredibly sticky situation.

I almost broke it off with him. I teared up, said it was for the best, and then of course couldn't do it.

So, we decided on option 2.

I know it's not the most sound decision. But what if we are meant to be? He makes me incredibly happy. When I kissed him today for the first time, I sighed. It was like FINALLY. This is what I needed. He looks at me too. Not a glance but really LOOKS at me. He will just stare into my eyes and get this look on his face. It's a look of sheer contentment. Like he could look at me forever. Girls like that. It works. And every time he kisses my nose, I smile. I can't help it. He calls it my "instant smile button."

I miss him so much.

Kissing. And Other Things That Are Not So Pleasant.

Kissing is underrated. It seems like all people want to talk about is sex. Some kisses leave me so weak in the knees that I think about them for days. I like to close my eyes an daydream about such kisses.

I shared a few of those with OMFG the other day. That's all we did was kiss. No fooling around, or sex. Just touching and kissing. I was more aroused then than I am during foreplay sessions with most people. The feeling of hesitation before your heads move just centimeters away from each other. You can feel their breath on your face. Maybe you smile a little because you are excited and anxious. You close your eyes and your lips touch. Sometimes, its magic.

I realize how cheesy this sounds. But when you are in the lustful, passionate phase with someone kissing is AMAZING.

OMFG leaned in to kiss me and pulled away right before our lips touched. He moved his head back, cocked it sideways, and smiled.

He knew I was dying for it.

I grabbed the back of his head and pulled him to me. He wrapped his arms around my body and held me close. We kissed. Deeply. I could hear both of us sigh amidst our kiss. We both wanted it.

We aren't together right now. He is at home with her. Probably resting comfortably in her arms. Cuddling maybe. I feel a little nauseous thinking about it. And yet, I continue to imagine it. Does he love her in the same way he loves me? Does he feel more comfortable with her? Does she make him happy? Do I make him happy? ARE WE MEANT TO BE??? I don't know.

I keep wondering if he loves me as much as I love him and is he in this as deeply as I am? I have a feeling there is a point of no return I am about to reach. Where we have to go all in, or leave heartbroken. I'm scared of both choices.

I'm at home with Mr. Nice Guy. He is in bed, sleeping soundly. I am listening to the dulcet tones coming from my computer. Heartbreak Warfare. Have two more true words ever been spoken?

I'm a little sad.

Is it strange to feel alone when you're surrounded by people who love you?

When the Wind Blows.

OMFG "broke up" with me. I put that in quotations because I am not sure that is the correct term for when the person that you are cheating on your S.O. with tells you maybe you should stop.

I saw him in the morning and we were touching, kissing, everything was fine. Normal. We talked about how crazy it was that we fell in love and what the hell are we going to do now. There was alot of staring at the ground. Its hard to make eye contact when every time you look at each other you start kissing passionately. Makes difficult conversations nearly impossible.

The conversation went something like this:
"We didn't mean for this to happen, we were friends and I think the feelings were brewing on the surface. Then we opened the door and everything happened so fast." I said.

"Yeah, I felt something for you since the beginning. I just didn't say anything because of Mr. Nice Guy."

"What do we do now? If we stop, the feelings will still be there."

"I don't know what to do. I think about that all the time. When I'm not thinking about you, I'm thinking about what we are going to do about this situation."

"This is so hard. How did this happen? We are both with really good people which makes this even worse."

"I know. It would be much easier if he (Mr. Nice Guy) was an asshole, but he's not. I like him. Maybe we should try to stop. See what happens." OMFG said. My face fell. "I don't want to stop. I know I should, but I don't want to. We'll have to not see each other for a while because I don't think I could handle it."

"We have to see each other or they (our significant others) will suspect something."

"So this is what you want to do?"

"I think we should try." He said, and looked at me. It was so hard to look at him. I was fighting back tears. I don't like to cry. "I have to go. Or I'm going to cry." I started to walk away. I could feel him looking at me. "You're really leaving?" he asked. I turned to look at him, "Yeah, I have to go."

I got in my car and drove off. I stopped about 1 minute later at a gas station. I sent him a text that read, "I made it as far as 7-11 before I had to stop to cry."

I sat there, thinking about what we had done, and how this happened and how now I was crying in a parking lot over a guy that was supposed to be my friend.

I received a reply. "I feel like shit." Welcome to the club. I asked him, "Ok, but are you hurting? How do you feel." He said, "I feel like I was stabbed in the chest."

"Well, this was your idea, we'll try it." I said.

"But I miss you already"

I got back on the road, and continued to think about him. There was a line that we crossed. We shouldn't have crossed it, but now we can't go back. You can't take back telling someone you love them, that part of your heart is now theirs to keep. After about 30 minutes I received a new text. "Let's just forget this. I said try it, and obviously its not working."

I smiled and replied, "So, a 30 minute break-up?"

"It wasn't a break up. It was a hiccup."

"Ok. That makes me happy."

And several hours later I received a new message. "I love you alot."

"You do? What made you say that?"

"Yeah, I miss you and I can't get you off my mind."

Love that. I know I shouldn't, but I do. I don't know where this is headed, and I'm sure its going to end badly. But for now, I'm just going to live and see what happens.

I can't stop thinking about him.

Torn.

I'm falling for someone. I didn't plan this. It isn't because of "the arrangement." It happened despite the open relationship, not because of it.

I still love Mr. Nice Guy. My feelings haven't really changed. When we are together it still feels good. But, when I am with OMFG...life makes sense. I lose my breath, I'm happy, we fit.

How did this happen? We were friends. For a long time. And I think the feelings were brewing at the surface. And then, one day, they exploded. It happened so fast I didn't know what was going on. Before I knew it, we had crossed that line. It went from a "Friends with Benefits" situation to a "I might be in love with you" situation.

I laid in bed with him, with my head on his chest, breathing him in. I love to run my hands up and down his chest and listen to the beat of his heart. He makes me laugh. We come up with the craziest things to laugh about. And when he looks at me, the world stops spinning.

So, what do I do now. Leaving Mr. Nice Guy is not an option. He has been nothing but good to me and I love him.

I know its too late to say this, but I'm not a bad person. I could be your sister, your daughter, your friend. I am likeable, smart and usually I make good decisions. My heart made this decision before my head had a chance to say no. Writing this is painful and difficult. Until now, I have avoided really thinking about the repercussions and avoided having a ton of guilt. "We have an open relationship," I said. "I'm not doing anything wrong."

Either decision I make people are going to be hurt. And it's all my fault. Part of me wants to stay in limbo and not have to choose. But, I know in the end I will have to.

I'm at home now, with Mr. Nice Guy. He is in bed, thinking all is right with the world. I am sitting here, aching in my heart to be with OMFG. I want him to hold me.

I'm torn.

Blow Jobs.

I heart them. There is no getting around that. Women look at me with perplexed faces when I say this. I just smile and repeat. I LOVE giving blow jobs. I think women look at me that way because they have yet to harness the sweet, amazing power that you get when you give a great blow j.

Here's my theory. Men become putty in your hands when you give a fanfuckingtastic blow job. Their eyes roll back in their head, they shake, maybe even whimper. I smile just thinking about it. YOU, the giver, are in complete control. I think it's the control that makes it so awesome for me. I am, after all, kinda a control freak so blow jobs allow me to put together two of my favorite things: Power. And Sex.

The key to giving great head is to look like you are enjoying it.

Before you start with your "OMG! It's so GROSS! How could I enjoy it?"
Hear me out.
It's fun.
I promise.
Fake it til you make it as my Mom used to say. Pretend to like it, and one day you'll be on your knees with a cock in your mouth thinking "Nik was right! The bruised knees are so worth it!"
You're welcome.

First of all, don't dive right in. When you're with a guy and he doesn't warm up your situation before fingering you or going down on you, it doesn't feel half as good as when he has you bucking your hips trying to make his hands head that way. Same goes for your guy. You want him to be practically begging for it.

Kiss your way down, rub his chest, caress his legs, do things you genuinely enjoy doing to him. I personally love hip bones. I think they are amazingly sexy. So, I work my way to them and lick and suck them. Fortunately for me, alot of guys are a bit ticklish there. So, it feels good, but they squirm a little. Then, I moan a little when I finally see his dick. And for me, this is usually real excitement because I love a good dick. And every man loooooves the thought of someone moaning at the sight of their favorite appendage.

Once they are begging sufficiently, I lick it like a popsicle. Start at the bottom and work my way up. I don't take it in my mouth just yet because again it's all about anticipation. I suck on their balls a little too IF they keep up on their manscaping. I can't handle doing that if their situation is not maintained. It's just not pleasant.

Next, I twirl my tongue around it in a figure 8 motion, slowly. Moaning again for emphasis. Then I go back to licking it up and down a few more times before I am ready to take it all in.

That is the start to a fanfuckingtastic blow job.

It's been approximately 4, maybe 5 days since I gave a blow job. This was probably one of my favorites ever. OMFG and I were together and didn't have time for sex. I had been teasing him through text all day and he was aching for it. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and when we kissed I just grabbed his pants and unbuttoned them.
He sighed.
We kissed harder.
His pants fell to the floor.
I didn't say anything and just got on my knees. I pulled down his underwear.
He was already hard. I moaned. So did he. We both knew we had been anticipating this all day. I kissed his hip bone and rubbed his thighs. I love it when they are standing because their legs feel so strong and masculine. I worked my way to his cock and licked the shaft. Before I knew it I was moaning and getting very wet between my legs.
I didn't hesitate for long before taking all of him in. The thing about this position is it allows him to penetrate your mouth more deeply. I don't recommend it for the inexperienced. Could cause problems with the gag reflex.
My mouth was super wet so he easily slid in and out. My head bobbed back and forth and I could hear OMFG saying, "Mmmm, Oh God."

Love that.

After about 10 minutes of that my jaw was hurting a bit because of the size of him, but I continued because we were both enjoying it. He started really getting into it and was thrusting his hips and meeting the thrusts of my head.

I stopped and told him he had to be careful because we match up so well he could thrust directly into my mouth and because his dick is so freaking big (and perfect) he *might* activate my nearly non-existent gag reflex.

He started moaning even more and repeating, "Oh God, Oh Nik, Oh My God."
He was pulling my hair and grabbing my head.
I love that.
I moved faster and got into a good rhythm. He pulled my hair harder and let out one final "Oh God!" before cumming in my mouth.

I kept him in my mouth and kept moving back and forth until he had finished cumming, which he came HARD so it was about 20 seconds or so and waited until I thought he was ready, and I pulled away and swallowed.

He was breathless. His body was shaking.

And THAT is why I love Blow Jobs.

Round Two

OMFG came over for some more fun when I had time off from work. I was excited to see him seeing as the first time was amazing and it was THE FIRST TIME. It only gets better right?

Well, we both hoped that it would only get better. And we were correct.

We cuddled at first. He smells so good. The perfect mix of him and some kind of manly cologne. Whatever it is, I'm sold. I laid there with my head on his chest and breathed him in. I started to run my hand up the inside of his shirt. He kissed me. Slowly moving his mouth to mine. His tongue found the inside of my mouth and swirled around. I let out a little moan and moved my hand further up his shirt. He lifted it off and I was able to kiss to his neck. He let out the same groan that got me going last time. I kissed my way down to his pants. I stopped to kiss along his hipbones.

There is something I love about the hipbones of a man. I can't put my finger on it, but they are so effing sexy its ridiculous. His are ticklish. I found my way there and kissed and licked and lightly sucked. He was squirming. Now he knows how he makes me feel!!

The pants came off and there it was. A perfectly erect dick. LOVE IT. His dick feels so smooth...I can't quite explain it. I know I have said before that someone had a perfect dick, but I was wrong. This is it. The length is perfect. I almost can't fit it in my mouth, but somehow I do. And its wide enough that it's almost difficult to moan with him in my mouth, but somehow I do.

Did I mention I love blow jobs?

I started out licking it like a Popsicle. He was already groaning. I knew it was going to be good. I licked it up and down a few minutes and on one of the passes up, I went down and put the whole thing in my mouth. All I heard from him was, "Ooooooh." In the deepest possible tone. I looked at him, "Do you want me to stop? You don't like it." He looked at me incredulously and said, "I hate it." I smiled and looked him in the eye and put that glorious cock back into my mouth.

He does all of the things that I think make BJ's so fantastic. First, he moans. You like it when we do it so PLEASE return the favor. Second, he moves my hair out of my face so he can watch me do it. That's hot. Third, when he gets really into it, he grabs my hair and follows the rhythm of my head. And bucks his hips. LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE IT. Makes the blow job sooooo much more fun.

I stopped, I didn't want him to cum in my mouth, well ok I did. But I was afraid that would mean we would have to wait to fuck. Of course I wanted him to cum in my mouth what am I saying? So, I started kissing his chest again and he told me to get on my back. He wasted no time in putting his head between my legs and once again made me putty. I remember nothing but a sweet, sweet orgasm. Again he transitioned immediately into sex. His hips met mine in a way I have never felt and am not sure I will feel again. We were sweating and thrusting until he came.

What I loved most about this sex session was what happened next. After cuddling a bit he came at me with a ferocity I have never seen. He kissed me hard. Grabbed my breast, sucked my nipple and fucked me.

I felt something else then too, but I'm not ready to discuss it.

Unexpected.

Life is a strange fickle thing. I thought that I was done with this blog and I realized I missed it. I know that I didn't really use it long, but I'm not done exploring my sexuality as you will see.

I fell in love. Madly. Love is such a strange thing. it comes at you and you don't know its going to happen and all of the sudden there you are. Right in the middle of it. I love the way he makes me feel. The way he looks at me, like the the only girl in the world. Like I'm all that matters. But as in all relationships, the new wears off. At first, infatuation takes over. After a while it fades and you move into the deeper stuff. Knowing someone on a level that really only the two of you understand.

We were there. Still are. But things are changing, our relationship is evolving and we hit a crossroads. Do you make it work together and maybe alter your relationship permanently to make that possible? Or do you go your seperate ways? We voted to alter the relationship. So, now I am in an open relationship.

For the most part, I think this is a great idea and something that would work for alot more couples if they tried it. The thing is cheating ends relationships. We all know this. I am not a cheater. Never have been. But after being with one person for so long its impossible to not miss the touch of a new hand. And to see someone's excitement when YOU touch them the first time. I think its human nature. So, we are experimenting with allowing each other to have sex with other people as long as there is no emotional involvement.

I have only tried it once so far and it felt really good. I came home and it was like it never happened. We didn't discuss it. But it did happen. And we'll never be the same.

That's hard to say. It won't be the same. I'm not saying that's necessarily a bad thing, but you can't go back. You can't pretend you didn't have sex with another person. You did. It happened.

I told him about the blog and joked that his nickname would be OMFG. Because it's that good. But I wasn't completely serious. He kinda got sold on the idea...so for now OMFG it is. I may change it later though. He met me at the house. He looked cute in his unassuming way. I like that about him. At first glance, he is decent looking but if you look harder he has kind eyes and a great smile. We sat down and talked for a minute and he ran his hands up and down my arm while looking into my eyes. He was already affecting me. We kissed. Slowly. Then deeper as I grabbed the back of his head and ran my hands through his hair. His hand went for my breasts and I gasped. It felt so good. It was new to him. After a few minutes I said, "You know something great about this shirt?" "What's that?" he asked. "It's removable." And I lifted it over my head revealing my bra to him. We kept kissing and I went for his neck and he moaned. I'm not used to being with a guy who moans. It was nice to know he liked it. While I was kissing and sucking his neck he unhooked my bra.

Immediately his mouth moved between my breasts kissing and sucking my nipples. I was putty. Melting. Moaning. I couldn't control myself. I know it sounds crazy but its a little blurry after that. I know I was naked. FAST. And he went down on me. I remember him quickly hooking his arms around my legs, positioning his face against my pussy and licking it. It was amazing. By far the best oral I have ever had. He started out slow. Licking my clit. My hips bucked against him. He went faster, flicking his tongue in all the right places. I was moaning so loud it was embarrassing. And I came.

He immediately slid into position and pushed his perfect cock inside me. I groaned. It felt so good. There was so much tension and passion built up that we were immediately fucking. Like sweating, thrusting hard, moaning, fucking. It was amazing. He had me bend over and he entered me from behind. I thought I was going to die.I was panting. They rhythm was perfect. You can't fake rhythm. Then he laid me back down and put his hands on my shoulders and thrust into me. Hard. Over and Over. I was moaning. He was moaning. And we came together which never happens.

I'm addicted.