Electricity.

So, I've slowed down on dating. I was seeing a few guys casually, but no one that I felt any connection with. For this reason, I don't think online dating is for me.

Chemistry is organic, you can't force it. And when reading a profile, sure, someone can sound good on paper and when you meet, there's no spark. I always had a suspicion this may be the case if you met someone from the internet.

And here's why: Pheremones.

Pheremones are a CRITICAL part of your attraction to someone. How can the internet take THAT into account. It can't. And the last time I met someone and felt that instant attraction was Eclectic Listener over a year ago. When we met, we both felt something. And yes, physically I found him attractive, and I'm sure he found me attractive. but, there was something else. It was just an instant chemistry that could probably be chalked up to pheremones. It felt amazing, and is probably the reason thst when we are together, everything feels soooooo good. I don't want to settle for anything less than that. Eclectic Listener has told me he knew then that we would end up in bed together. After that quick 5 minute meeting he knew. That's intense. And it still is. I wish we were still together, but we're not. We are just doing what feels natural. And I'm going to keep doing that until it doesn't feel right anymore. Maybe someday I will meet someone again, and his subconscious will be attracted to my subconscious. Subconsciously.

Singledom.

So, I went on a casual first date last night. He was cute, conversation flowed easily enough, and I was seeing a second date on the horizon.

Then his (ex?) girlfriend showed up.

"How could you do this to me?!?" "Lets go outside and discuss this. I broke up with you."
"No! You said you love me. That you'd love me forever! What about my kids???"
Kids! She has kids! I felt like I had suddenly walked into an episode of Maury.
I was so entranced that for a minute I continued to sip my Diet Coke with Lime and watch with faint amusement. It was a spectacle, for sure.

When she started hyperventilating, I exited the restaurant.

Fuck me, this is why I will be single forever.

Perspective

Life can change in an instant.

This should be everyone in the world's motto after today. What a crazy thing to happen to Japan with the earthquake, tsunami, and their after affects.

My thoughts are with them.

In the last year, I feel as though I have really tried to live my life in a way that makes me happy. It's odd to think that this has to be a conscious decision. But, it does. I have worked through to many things and learned to really enjoy my life. The only thing I did that I regret doing, is give up the blog. I can't do that again. It means to much to write. I like pouring my feelings out on the page. It's therapy for me.

Relationships of any kind are work. Eclectic Listener and I have a fantastic relationship. We are not "together." But, he is my best friend and I love him with all my heart. I am so thankful for that. He is so different from anyone I have ever met. A true loner, but one who cherishes the people he trusts enough to let in. In some ways, I feel for him because he is so guarded. I thought I was guarded, but it turns out that I just need to know you can be trusted, then I will open up. It isn't the same for him. He would open up to me in some big way and then would back off from talking to me for days. I don't even know if he did it consciously, but it was as though he had to take 2 steps forward and 1 step back. It could be incredibly frustrating, but the reward of getting to know such an interesting and genuine person was worth it. I haven't gotten to know someone as well as I now know him in a long time, if ever.

I have entered, for the first time, the world of online dating. Adventures to follow.

I will leave you with this, "After a while, you just want to be with the one that makes you laugh." -Mr. Big

That's what I am looking for. My partner in crime who can make me laugh.

Many Happy Returns.

Happy Birthday to one of my favorite people, Eclectic Listener.

It isn't very often that you meet someone that you just sync with. Someone who understands who you are, with faults, and accepts you. Eclectic Listener gets me in a way no one has before. He is the first person to tell me that I don't see the world like everyone else. I tell him things I don't tell anyone else. Strange habits I have like taking a nice hot shower, enjoying every second of it, only to turn the cold to full blast right before I get out. I told him I think its good for my pores. He laaaaauuuughed, so hard. And said, "Why would you ruin a perfectly good shower?!"

I went to his house on Monday. We hadn't seen each other in awhile. Life has caused some changes in our relationship, but we are still in a good place. We were listening to music on his bed. First, Massive Attack. Talked through the whole album. Then, Goldfrapp. Talked and laughed through another album. Last, the Stay soundtrack. I think it was during that one that he touched me.

His hand found my breast. The touch was reserved because of our absence, but not unfamiliar. I smiled, enjoying the tender touch. His hand travelled up my shirt, and I touched the side of his face and kissed him. Hard. And deep.

Sometimes, I'm afraid no one will ever kiss me again the way he does. It is the exact amount of passion, control, and wetness that I want in a kiss. Once we get into a kissing rhythm, even of our hands are tending to other needs, the kiss will take over. Our hands find the backs of our heads and we are lost. Kissing so deep until I have to pull away and say, "Mmm."

I removed his pants to suck his dick. His body responded to our kiss exactly how I wanted. His perfect thick cock was hard and ready. He loves my blow jobs and I knew this was what he was waiting for. I licked up and down the sides until it was thorough wet. My mouth had been watering in anticipation of this. I sucked the head of his cock and he gasped and groaned. His hand found the back of my head and guided it, up and down the shaft of his dick. Precum was filling my mouth and I greedily lapped it up.

I stopped sucking and kissed him again hard, ran my hands down his chest and started sucking again, feverishly. You could hear the wetness of my mouth and occasional near gag from the size of him. He was thrusting into my face and I loved it.

Eventually I straddled him, relishing being on top and in control. He sucked on my pierced nipples, intensifying my pleasure. I leaned back and rocked back and forth until it became too much and I had to lean down into him, still grinding against him. "Cum baby. Cum on my cock." That was all it took. I moaned and moaned. My muscles tightened against him and he cried out in pleasure. And I came. In a way only he can make me.

Happy Birthday indeed.

Everybody Hurts.

I remember watching 90210, and Brenda listening to Losing My Religion after Dylan broke up with her. I got in my car today, after an emotionally exhausting day, and Everybody Hurts was playing. The irony of everyday life never ceases to amaze me.

Pain is a universal language. We all go through things that challenge us and bring out our best, and sometimes bring out our worst.

I feel like I haven't been the best version of myself lately.

Normally, I am confident, effervescent, intelligent and sarcastic. In recent weeks I have only seen glimpses of the real me among depression and sadness following some major life changes. Everything that has been going on with Mr. Nice Guy makes me sad. I hate thinking that it's over. But it is. Unfortunately, we weren't meant to be. I have to move on and find out what my life is going to be without him. I went so quickly from The Ex to Mr. Nice Guy, I never really discovered single me.

Yes, there is Eclectic Listener. And yes, there are feelings there. But, it isn't something that concerns me. I know we both are wanting to be independent now and be with each other only when we want to be. I don't know if it will progress into something more, or something deeper. I think we are just letting whatever is going happen, happen. Organically. We aren't forcing anything. And, I kinda like that. I like the idea of not being lonely, but also not being put into a box. I want to just do what feels right and comfortable for a while. And for now, this does.

Life is such a funny thing. We rarely learn from the mistakes of others. We see their mistakes and think, "That would never happen to me. I'm too smart for that." When we say things like that, I think it makes God laugh. You inevitably put yourself in the very situation that you never thought you would be, and now it's up to you to do the right thing. Or not. I sometimes feel like I am fumbling through life and eventually, I'll hit the right path. I never did things the way everyone else did.

I have to find my own way.

My So-Called Life.

We all go through those times in our lives where nothing makes sense. The drama unfolds and how you react will completely change your life. You may not realize it at the time, but it's true all the same. Sometimes, small decisions turn into big decisions and suddenly, your life has taken a new direction.

I love this quote. "I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be." -Douglas Adams

I am going to make this my mantra for the time being. I have decided to live my life one day at a time. I am young. The big picture will work itself out. I have always been a dreamer. If you asked me in high school what I wanted to do for a living I would have said, "I want to be President." People would say, "Oh, you think you could be the first female President?" And even 1998, 17 year old me, had the right answer to that. "No, Hillary is going to be the first woman President, I just want to run when I turn 35."

I know its a far-fetched dream, but that's not the point. I had a plan. Undergrad. Law School. Then run for office. But, I met The Ex. And instead of studying for the LSAT, I let those books get dusty and I got married. I was 21. Waaaay too young. I wonder now, why didn't anyone try to stop me? My family threw me the big traditional wedding and now they tell me they knew it was a mistake. Now, I know I am stubborn and a great debater, but was 21 year old me too tough of a match for my mother or any of my sisters? I wish someone had stopped me.

The point is, I didn't end up where I intended to go. 1998 me didn't necessarily think she would run for office. But she thought she would head in that direction. And, to an extent, I did. I have a degree in Political Science. With a Minor in English. Hence, the blog. I love to write. And now, instead of Politics being my main passion, writing is. My life may be full of drama right now, but it's my life. It is full of my stubborn, bull-headed choices. Some great, and some not so great. But, I live my life full of conviction, and I am proud of that.

Mr. Nice Guy and I are separated. I'm taking it well for the most part. I am throwing myself into friends, fun, work, and hanging with Eclectic Listener. I spent three nights of the last week at his house. Didn't plan it. But it was fun, relaxing, needed.

I had forgotten how fun it was to make out until last weekend. The most intense, deep, passionate kissing I have experienced in a long time. Maybe since high school.

I know this post wasn't sexy. Don't worry. There will be plenty more sex to write about.

OMFG Returns.

He's back. I haven't seen him yet. When he left things were broken. I think they are going to be repaired.

He called me today to see how things were going, and if I had been thinking of him. I was honest. I think about him constantly and not seeing him has been verging on devastating. He said it was the same for him and he couldn't get me out of his head. I kept the conversation brief, I wanted time to think about what I should do.

I know that no matter what I do, things are going to end badly. I am going to hurt Mr. Nice Guy or going to hurt OMFG. I didn't think it was possible to have feelings for two people, but now I know that it is. And it sucks. It's kind of bizarre to be in this situation. I have some tough choices to make.

OMFG and I did a little dirty texting today. He was telling me he wanted to try 69ing. Which, I have never done. Shocking, I know. It makes me nervous. I think because I have to give up control, which I have never been good at. He was assuring it me it would be fun and said, "Think of how I could get in there."

Just him saying that made me wet.

I said, "You're being a little dirty."

"A little dirty? It's not like I as saying something like 'I'm going to pull you to the edge of the bed, kneel in front of you, suck on your clit and probe my tongue in and out of your pussy until you cum.' That's a little dirty."

Oh holy hell. After that comment, I was really wet. And even thinking about it now affects me. That man has an amazing tongue.

Hopefully we get to meet up soon. I am sooooo ready to see him.

The Ides of March.

Seriously.

Beware, The Ides of Fucking March.

What a clusterfuck of a day today was. I don't know where to begin.

Yesterday, I thoroughly enjoyed my day off. Spent time with Mr. Nice Guy, the fam, and some of our friends. I had only had about 3 hours of sleep, but had a great day anyway. We did the Rock Band Endless Setlist. Ever heard of it? You have to play every song on Rock Band without stopping. I am not a gamer. But, I do love a challenge. It was fun. I know, I'm a nerd, but I enjoyed it.

Everything was great.

Until this morning.

Saturday night some of our friends invited us out. I didn't feel like going to a bar, it had been a long week and I wanted to rest. But, I insisted Mr. Nice Guy (MNG) go. He had been sick alot of the week and I thought it would do him some good to hang with friends. After much persuading he went. It was a largish group that went out. MNG, a couple we are good friends with, another couple we know through them, and one single girl. MNG hung out with the other 2 men in their group and they played darts, etc. Great, hope they had fun.

Today I get a call from the guy in the couple we are good friends with. He says the other gentlemen is upset with MNG because when he gave him a ride home he kept talking about how hot the friends girlfriend was. As in, he didn't just mention it once. He is riding with the guy talking about his girlfriend. And that she is smokin' hot. Of course, this upset the girls boyfriend and now he wants to kick MNG's ass. So, our friend was calling to let me know so I could possibly help remedy the situation.

Our friend didn't think I would be upset with MNG upon hearing this.

He was wrong.

I was livid. And hurt. I know it sounds crazy, but my feelings were incredibly hurt. MNG has always treated me like I was the most amazing woman he had ever laid eyes on. I know that over time things change, but I never thought he would do this. I think there is an unspoken rule in relationships that even though you may find your significant others friends attractive, you never say it out loud. I think saying someone intangible, like a celebrity or stranger, is attractive is ok. But not your friends. It creates a climate of jealousy and that's not good for anyone. MNG used to shower me with compliments. Not so much anymore. He goes to work before me, so I frequently wake up to a "Good Morning beautiful" text. But, I rarely hear that in person, if ever.

I'm not an unattractive girl.

I think he is taking me for granted. And I told him this. That I felt completely unappreciated. After thinking about it for a minute he agreed. He said that he has gotten to a place where he knows that I am going to always be there. He promised he would make it up to me for the rest of his life and always let me know that he thinks I'm beautiful. But, I don't want him saying it just because I got upset. I want him to actually think I am pretty. I know, I'm shallow.

I think this was the straw that broke the camel's back. This one incident, while upsetting to me, isn't a huge deal. But feeling unappreciated in my relationship is. It has me wondering, did he jump into this relationship too quickly because he loved the idea of being in love? I am MNG first love. He dated other girls, but I'm the first one to meet his family, first to live with, first to say I love you to. He had been looking for love and not just dating since he was in high school, according to his mom. I love that about him. He always has been a really amazing guy. But what if I'm not the one for him?

And the other piece of this is, it was humiliating for me. ALL of the people who went that night know he was saying how hot she was. (by most people's standards, I am better looking that her, but I digress) So, they are thinking he has no respect for me and doesn't really think very highly of me. It made our relationship look shallow and one-dimensional. There was a time when our relationship was full of depth. We worked together to peel back the shell I put around myself after The Ex. We bonded through that experience. He was there for me when my Dad died. He took care of me and made me feel like I could live. Those things brought us together. And now we are falling apart.

The thought of that makes me sad. I know lately things have been rocky, but I always thought he would be the one I would have kids with and grow old with. I don't know where we stand now. I don't know if I am what he wants. He says now he wants me, but why after a few drinks did he proclaim some other chick was "hot" and he can't see me all dressed up and muster a "Wow, you look great?"

He did say this to me though, "I pray that you will come home tonight and cuddle with me. I hope that you nderstand how much I love you. I am dying inside right now. I hope that you give me the blessing of loving you and making it up to you every day for the rest of your life. But, that is what I want. I know it won't be that easy. I know it will take a while for you to forgive me if you ever do. I don't expect you to ever forget."

Where do we go from here?

p.s. I miss OMFG.

Leaving on a Jet Plane.

OMFG and I are done for now.

He called me a couple of days ago and was on his way to work. He was missing me, I was missing him. But we couldn't see each other for one reason or another. I kind of broke down. I told him it wasn't fair to either of us. He agreed, but I could see he wasn't going to be the one to end things. Finally, I started crying on the phone. Not uncontrollably, but enough he could tell over the phone.
I said, "I don't want to do this." (break up)
"Then don't."
"We can't go on like this. Too many people are getting hurt."

LONG PAUSE

Then, I said, "I don't think we should see each other anymore." He tried to fight with me, but I told him it was no use. I was serious. We needed to take time to see how we felt about our significant others and time away from each other to figure things out.

I'm kind of heartbroken.

I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I fell for him. He was so funny, no one makes me laugh like that. He made me question everything I had come to know. Six months ago, I was so sure about my life. I knew what I wanted, where I was headed. Everything is upside down now. How do I make it right? What is right? Do I follow my heart, or make things right with Mr. Nice Guy?

I have no answers.

All I know is, I feel alone. I find myself feeling like that all the time when I am surrounded by friends. I think it is because there is no one who knows what I am going through except for OMFG and thats not helping things. I need someone to confide in. It's hard to keep this all in.

OMFG will be out of town on business for two weeks. I am trying not to talk to him at all. I feel like I should need some space. But I think about him constantly. Incessently. I wake up thinking about him, and I fall asleep imagining myself in his arms.

FML.

When he gets back, we'll talk. See how we feel and how much we miss each other.

Right now, I just want to kiss him.

I love the way he kisses. He starts out so slow, drawing me in. At first, it's just liplocks. It takes a few short kisses for our tongues to find each other. And when they do, the kisses being deeper. We kiss with such a ferver and insistance that you would think our lives depended on it. I don't know how long I can go without that.

The Eyes Have It.

The last time I saw OMFG it was only for a little while, and it was in mixed company. His girlfriend was there along with other friends. It's so strange to be in that situation with him. We have this HUGE secret that no one else in the world knows, except all of you, and we have to keep it hidden. For now anyway. The thing that intrigued me about seeing him today was it felt different to me. It felt like there was a shift in our relationship in the last few days. It wasn't a bad thing, just different. It was almost like the secret was harder to contain.

There were three times in the hour or so that we were together that he LOOKED at me. This is a look that kind of knocks the wind out of you. It lasts a little too long, past the amount of time that is normally acceptable. He really looks into my eyes and its almost like he can see right through me. I love it when he looks at me this way. But normally he doesn't let his guard down enough to let it happen so often in mixed company. On most occasions, he will look at me like that once. Just enough to let me know that the feelings are still there and he is thinking about me. But, three times was something major. It felt good. I want him to be able to look at me like that all the time.

Even if I hadn't been able to see him, I would have been okay today. We were able to text alot throughout the day. It was fun, and nice. We were talking about how we are both ready to be able to have sex again. Its been awhile now because of our difficult situation. We discussed boundaries. He said, "I don't do anything you don't want me to do." Then, a minute later another message, "Of course I'm not sure what you wouldn't let me do."
I said, "So you think I don't have any sexual boundaries?"
"I know you do. Just not sure what they are at the moment."

So, we decided the next time we are together, he is going to blindfold me. I know, blindfolding isn't so crazy, but I think it will be fun. He said that I would be squirming, wondering where his tongue was going to go next. And that's true. In my daily life, I'm always in control. I work as a manager, I tell people what to do, and in my relationships normally I am in the drivers seat. So, the thought of relinquishing my control to him by allowing him to blindfold me, is exciting.
He asked me, "Aren't you afraid of being vulnerable?"
I said, "With you, I'm never afraid."

Lost.

Damn it! I cannot do this anymore!!! I just texted OMFG and had something I wanted to talk to him about and he asked what it was. I asked if I could speak freely, meaning is the GF around. And he said it would have to be tomorrow. This sucks.

I know that I am doing something I shouldn't be. I know he has a girlfriend. But I need him. I wanted to tell him that I am dying to be laying in this arms. The pain of not being able to do that is killing me. I feel this stabby pain in the middle of my chest. It's terrible.

We had lunch today and it was nice. The restaurant was dimly lit, so we were able to hold hands and talk without being caught. I got to pretend for a minute that I was the girlfriend. We discussed our situation and how to handle it. The conversation was a long time coming because often when we kiss he'll say "What the hell do we do now?" The feelings are too strong. We have passed the point of no return. So, today at lunch we discussed this.
We agreed we had two possible options.
1. Cut our losses. We could end the relationship now and spare our significant others feelings. This would enable us to exit the relationship with our good memories in tact and know that it was fun while it lasted, but us being together isn't a good idea.
Pros: S.O.'s not hurt. No messy breakup.
Cons: Our feeling would still be there. Waiting in the wings. I would wake up every day and wonder what he was doing and if he was happy. I would still love him. He said he would have regret and wonder if we were meant to be. And his feelings wouldn't go away. He would still love me.

2. Continue down this path until we cross the next line: We love each other more than we love the people we are with now. At that point decide if we leave them for each other.
Pros: We get to be together. All the time.
Cons: What if we don't like it? What if its only great now because we don't have to be the 1st girlfriend/boyfriend, just the one on the side? Also, would cause great pain to our current S.O.'s. Would be an incredibly sticky situation.

I almost broke it off with him. I teared up, said it was for the best, and then of course couldn't do it.

So, we decided on option 2.

I know it's not the most sound decision. But what if we are meant to be? He makes me incredibly happy. When I kissed him today for the first time, I sighed. It was like FINALLY. This is what I needed. He looks at me too. Not a glance but really LOOKS at me. He will just stare into my eyes and get this look on his face. It's a look of sheer contentment. Like he could look at me forever. Girls like that. It works. And every time he kisses my nose, I smile. I can't help it. He calls it my "instant smile button."

I miss him so much.

When the Wind Blows.

OMFG "broke up" with me. I put that in quotations because I am not sure that is the correct term for when the person that you are cheating on your S.O. with tells you maybe you should stop.

I saw him in the morning and we were touching, kissing, everything was fine. Normal. We talked about how crazy it was that we fell in love and what the hell are we going to do now. There was alot of staring at the ground. Its hard to make eye contact when every time you look at each other you start kissing passionately. Makes difficult conversations nearly impossible.

The conversation went something like this:
"We didn't mean for this to happen, we were friends and I think the feelings were brewing on the surface. Then we opened the door and everything happened so fast." I said.

"Yeah, I felt something for you since the beginning. I just didn't say anything because of Mr. Nice Guy."

"What do we do now? If we stop, the feelings will still be there."

"I don't know what to do. I think about that all the time. When I'm not thinking about you, I'm thinking about what we are going to do about this situation."

"This is so hard. How did this happen? We are both with really good people which makes this even worse."

"I know. It would be much easier if he (Mr. Nice Guy) was an asshole, but he's not. I like him. Maybe we should try to stop. See what happens." OMFG said. My face fell. "I don't want to stop. I know I should, but I don't want to. We'll have to not see each other for a while because I don't think I could handle it."

"We have to see each other or they (our significant others) will suspect something."

"So this is what you want to do?"

"I think we should try." He said, and looked at me. It was so hard to look at him. I was fighting back tears. I don't like to cry. "I have to go. Or I'm going to cry." I started to walk away. I could feel him looking at me. "You're really leaving?" he asked. I turned to look at him, "Yeah, I have to go."

I got in my car and drove off. I stopped about 1 minute later at a gas station. I sent him a text that read, "I made it as far as 7-11 before I had to stop to cry."

I sat there, thinking about what we had done, and how this happened and how now I was crying in a parking lot over a guy that was supposed to be my friend.

I received a reply. "I feel like shit." Welcome to the club. I asked him, "Ok, but are you hurting? How do you feel." He said, "I feel like I was stabbed in the chest."

"Well, this was your idea, we'll try it." I said.

"But I miss you already"

I got back on the road, and continued to think about him. There was a line that we crossed. We shouldn't have crossed it, but now we can't go back. You can't take back telling someone you love them, that part of your heart is now theirs to keep. After about 30 minutes I received a new text. "Let's just forget this. I said try it, and obviously its not working."

I smiled and replied, "So, a 30 minute break-up?"

"It wasn't a break up. It was a hiccup."

"Ok. That makes me happy."

And several hours later I received a new message. "I love you alot."

"You do? What made you say that?"

"Yeah, I miss you and I can't get you off my mind."

Love that. I know I shouldn't, but I do. I don't know where this is headed, and I'm sure its going to end badly. But for now, I'm just going to live and see what happens.

I can't stop thinking about him.

For Real.

So, last night I get a text from Alabama Boy. He says that he is thinking about coming to visit me this weekend. What?!?!?!?! I mean, yes, of course I want him to come. But I was surprised to say the least.

In fact, I really really want him to come. We talk to easily. It would be nice to have one of our great conversations face-to-face. He makes me laugh. I cannot tell you how important that is. No sense of humor? Then I can't date you, be with you, talk to you. Yesterday, we were on the phone, and I kept saying "For real" at the end of my sentences. I think I was overtired so instead of using good adjectives to tell my story I added "For real" instead. Lame, but I digress. So, we get off the phone and I get a picture message from him. He has an incredulous look on his face and the phone says "press OK to hear audio." Hmmm.... I pressed OK and there was a 30 second message of him saying "For real? For real, for real? No, you've got to be kidding. For real?" It went on and on.

His ability to make fun of me said so much. I was laughing at his message and thinking about how odd it is that he makes me happy from so far away.

I don't know what is going to come of us, but I think that eventually, it could be something good.