Dear Reader.

I am missing OMFG like crazy. It's getting a little insane. I can't see him since he is out of town, but the urge to talk to him is overwhelming. I can't silence the voices.

The number one thing on my list of what I look for in a man, is a sense of humor. My sense of humor is dry and sarcastic and this gets me into trouble. MOST of my friends have known me a long time, and are used to my series of one-liners and jabs. I have some new friends though, and they don't always get it.

Case in point, sent a text to a friend commenting on something she had said. My text said something like, "You know I wouldn't do that, I'm not a heartless bitch." She took it to mean that I think, she thinks, (I know 7th grade gossip here) I'm a heartless bitch. But I meant what I said. It was statement of fact. I AM NOT A HEARTLESS BITCH. Sigh.

But, OMFG gets my sense of humor and even laughs at my jokes! Hurray! I am not crazy, just not obviously funny. It's more under the surface.
I'll say something mean and sarcastic to you, joking of course, and you'll say, "What?" and I'll reply, "I said your hair looks nice."

I want to lay in bed with him and laugh and joke and smile.

Ok, back to the point of this post.

Dear Reader,
Who are you? I have been checking my Google Analytics and the U.S. still reigns for most readers of my blog. But Spain took over Canada for second! I have several visitors from Spain, but a recurring one from Madrid. Who are you? And please, comment!
And, my most loyal reader is from Getzville, NY. I had never heard of Getzville, but hey, that's cool. I do love New York. I can't wait to go back. It's been awhile. And, also, thanks for coming by so often.

I know that was really cheesy, but Google Analytics is seriously amazing. I love pulling it up every night and seeing who has checked out the blog.

I also have a question for you that will help in an upcoming blog post.

What do you enjoy most about sex?

I think we all have different passions, things that excite us, entice us, and reel us in. What feels good to you? I want to post something similar to the Blow Job post. Help a girl out.
For me, its all about getting their shirt off and admiring their hip bones before I remove the pants. I just want to kiss and suck that whole area. OMFG is ticklish there. He always tries to get me to pull away. It's cute, I love it.

How do I make OMFG get out of my head?

The Ides of March.

Seriously.

Beware, The Ides of Fucking March.

What a clusterfuck of a day today was. I don't know where to begin.

Yesterday, I thoroughly enjoyed my day off. Spent time with Mr. Nice Guy, the fam, and some of our friends. I had only had about 3 hours of sleep, but had a great day anyway. We did the Rock Band Endless Setlist. Ever heard of it? You have to play every song on Rock Band without stopping. I am not a gamer. But, I do love a challenge. It was fun. I know, I'm a nerd, but I enjoyed it.

Everything was great.

Until this morning.

Saturday night some of our friends invited us out. I didn't feel like going to a bar, it had been a long week and I wanted to rest. But, I insisted Mr. Nice Guy (MNG) go. He had been sick alot of the week and I thought it would do him some good to hang with friends. After much persuading he went. It was a largish group that went out. MNG, a couple we are good friends with, another couple we know through them, and one single girl. MNG hung out with the other 2 men in their group and they played darts, etc. Great, hope they had fun.

Today I get a call from the guy in the couple we are good friends with. He says the other gentlemen is upset with MNG because when he gave him a ride home he kept talking about how hot the friends girlfriend was. As in, he didn't just mention it once. He is riding with the guy talking about his girlfriend. And that she is smokin' hot. Of course, this upset the girls boyfriend and now he wants to kick MNG's ass. So, our friend was calling to let me know so I could possibly help remedy the situation.

Our friend didn't think I would be upset with MNG upon hearing this.

He was wrong.

I was livid. And hurt. I know it sounds crazy, but my feelings were incredibly hurt. MNG has always treated me like I was the most amazing woman he had ever laid eyes on. I know that over time things change, but I never thought he would do this. I think there is an unspoken rule in relationships that even though you may find your significant others friends attractive, you never say it out loud. I think saying someone intangible, like a celebrity or stranger, is attractive is ok. But not your friends. It creates a climate of jealousy and that's not good for anyone. MNG used to shower me with compliments. Not so much anymore. He goes to work before me, so I frequently wake up to a "Good Morning beautiful" text. But, I rarely hear that in person, if ever.

I'm not an unattractive girl.

I think he is taking me for granted. And I told him this. That I felt completely unappreciated. After thinking about it for a minute he agreed. He said that he has gotten to a place where he knows that I am going to always be there. He promised he would make it up to me for the rest of his life and always let me know that he thinks I'm beautiful. But, I don't want him saying it just because I got upset. I want him to actually think I am pretty. I know, I'm shallow.

I think this was the straw that broke the camel's back. This one incident, while upsetting to me, isn't a huge deal. But feeling unappreciated in my relationship is. It has me wondering, did he jump into this relationship too quickly because he loved the idea of being in love? I am MNG first love. He dated other girls, but I'm the first one to meet his family, first to live with, first to say I love you to. He had been looking for love and not just dating since he was in high school, according to his mom. I love that about him. He always has been a really amazing guy. But what if I'm not the one for him?

And the other piece of this is, it was humiliating for me. ALL of the people who went that night know he was saying how hot she was. (by most people's standards, I am better looking that her, but I digress) So, they are thinking he has no respect for me and doesn't really think very highly of me. It made our relationship look shallow and one-dimensional. There was a time when our relationship was full of depth. We worked together to peel back the shell I put around myself after The Ex. We bonded through that experience. He was there for me when my Dad died. He took care of me and made me feel like I could live. Those things brought us together. And now we are falling apart.

The thought of that makes me sad. I know lately things have been rocky, but I always thought he would be the one I would have kids with and grow old with. I don't know where we stand now. I don't know if I am what he wants. He says now he wants me, but why after a few drinks did he proclaim some other chick was "hot" and he can't see me all dressed up and muster a "Wow, you look great?"

He did say this to me though, "I pray that you will come home tonight and cuddle with me. I hope that you nderstand how much I love you. I am dying inside right now. I hope that you give me the blessing of loving you and making it up to you every day for the rest of your life. But, that is what I want. I know it won't be that easy. I know it will take a while for you to forgive me if you ever do. I don't expect you to ever forget."

Where do we go from here?

p.s. I miss OMFG.

Leaving on a Jet Plane.

OMFG and I are done for now.

He called me a couple of days ago and was on his way to work. He was missing me, I was missing him. But we couldn't see each other for one reason or another. I kind of broke down. I told him it wasn't fair to either of us. He agreed, but I could see he wasn't going to be the one to end things. Finally, I started crying on the phone. Not uncontrollably, but enough he could tell over the phone.
I said, "I don't want to do this." (break up)
"Then don't."
"We can't go on like this. Too many people are getting hurt."

LONG PAUSE

Then, I said, "I don't think we should see each other anymore." He tried to fight with me, but I told him it was no use. I was serious. We needed to take time to see how we felt about our significant others and time away from each other to figure things out.

I'm kind of heartbroken.

I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I fell for him. He was so funny, no one makes me laugh like that. He made me question everything I had come to know. Six months ago, I was so sure about my life. I knew what I wanted, where I was headed. Everything is upside down now. How do I make it right? What is right? Do I follow my heart, or make things right with Mr. Nice Guy?

I have no answers.

All I know is, I feel alone. I find myself feeling like that all the time when I am surrounded by friends. I think it is because there is no one who knows what I am going through except for OMFG and thats not helping things. I need someone to confide in. It's hard to keep this all in.

OMFG will be out of town on business for two weeks. I am trying not to talk to him at all. I feel like I should need some space. But I think about him constantly. Incessently. I wake up thinking about him, and I fall asleep imagining myself in his arms.

FML.

When he gets back, we'll talk. See how we feel and how much we miss each other.

Right now, I just want to kiss him.

I love the way he kisses. He starts out so slow, drawing me in. At first, it's just liplocks. It takes a few short kisses for our tongues to find each other. And when they do, the kisses being deeper. We kiss with such a ferver and insistance that you would think our lives depended on it. I don't know how long I can go without that.

The Eyes Have It.

The last time I saw OMFG it was only for a little while, and it was in mixed company. His girlfriend was there along with other friends. It's so strange to be in that situation with him. We have this HUGE secret that no one else in the world knows, except all of you, and we have to keep it hidden. For now anyway. The thing that intrigued me about seeing him today was it felt different to me. It felt like there was a shift in our relationship in the last few days. It wasn't a bad thing, just different. It was almost like the secret was harder to contain.

There were three times in the hour or so that we were together that he LOOKED at me. This is a look that kind of knocks the wind out of you. It lasts a little too long, past the amount of time that is normally acceptable. He really looks into my eyes and its almost like he can see right through me. I love it when he looks at me this way. But normally he doesn't let his guard down enough to let it happen so often in mixed company. On most occasions, he will look at me like that once. Just enough to let me know that the feelings are still there and he is thinking about me. But, three times was something major. It felt good. I want him to be able to look at me like that all the time.

Even if I hadn't been able to see him, I would have been okay today. We were able to text alot throughout the day. It was fun, and nice. We were talking about how we are both ready to be able to have sex again. Its been awhile now because of our difficult situation. We discussed boundaries. He said, "I don't do anything you don't want me to do." Then, a minute later another message, "Of course I'm not sure what you wouldn't let me do."
I said, "So you think I don't have any sexual boundaries?"
"I know you do. Just not sure what they are at the moment."

So, we decided the next time we are together, he is going to blindfold me. I know, blindfolding isn't so crazy, but I think it will be fun. He said that I would be squirming, wondering where his tongue was going to go next. And that's true. In my daily life, I'm always in control. I work as a manager, I tell people what to do, and in my relationships normally I am in the drivers seat. So, the thought of relinquishing my control to him by allowing him to blindfold me, is exciting.
He asked me, "Aren't you afraid of being vulnerable?"
I said, "With you, I'm never afraid."

Closure.

I had lunch with The Ex yesterday. It wasn't something I had planned. I was on facebook, and read through another friends status that he had moved to MY city. I was a little upset. Ok, more than a little upset. It brought up feelings and memories I had long since forgotten. I started remembering things and it wasn't fun. I didn't like him being here.

I talked to Mr. Nice Guy and explained that The Ex had moved into town. He said, "Of course he did." I asked him what he meant by that and he said it doesn't surprise him because he can't let me go.

I decided to contact The Ex via facebook and see what was going on. He said that he and his girlfriend had split, they have a baby together now, and he had no where else to go. He had friends that live in my city, so he was living with him.

There are several issues with this situation. First, the man is 35 years old. He can't live on his own?!?!? Even though he and his girlfriend split you'd think he could afford an apartment. Nuh uh. No money and he quit his job. Second issue, the friends he is living with here? They were OUR friends when we were a couple. AWKWARD! *sigh* I soooo made the right decision leaving him.

Again, it amazes me I was with this man for seven freaking years! He is intelligent, but with no drive at all, so the smarts go to waste. I worked my way through college and am damn proud of my degree. When we met he was in the Air Force and doing quite well. For the last 5 years he has been a fast food manager. Wow, that is so sad. I told him I had some things I would like to talk to him about, and asked if we could meet for coffee. He agreed.

I hadn't seen him in the 2 years since our divorce. He looked like hell. His clothes were worn out and a mess, he looked older, and sad. Part of me was happy to see this. Despite the craziness of my current love triangle, I'm really really happy now. And it shows. The opposite seemed true for him.

We talked for a couple of hours about his situation now, and I offered my advice. We also discussed our relationship and the aftermath of it. I told him that the things he did to me still affect me now. That sometimes, when I am with Mr. Nice Guy, he will do something to me jokingly, or say something and I lose my marbles. I fall to pieces and cry. And it's his fault. He made me that way. I remember when The Ex and I were out with our friends, if I said something jokingly or otherwise that he didn't like, he would put me in a headlock. And smile and laugh with our friends. Only, he wasn't joking. He was really choking me in front of them and they didn't know it. I knew it. It was a warning. He was saying, "Don't cross that line, Nik. Or I'll do it for real." I had forgotten he used to do that until Mr. Nice Guy and I were play wrestling one day and he put me in a headlock. He wasn't using pressure, he was truly kidding around. I had a panic attack. I started to cry and hyperventilate. Mr. Nice Guy felt terrible. He didn't do anything wrong and it took me a minute to be able to explain what happened. It was that hijacked feeling all over again.

I told this story and a few others to The Ex. And you know what? I think he genuinely felt remorse. He said he thinks about what he did to me every day. And now that he has a daughter, he imagines what it would be like if someone did those things to her and it makes him sick. As it should. I am someone's daughter and I can tell you it took my Father every ounce of restraint he has not to kill The Ex after I told him what happened. The Ex apologized. For everything. He named out things he did to me and told me how sorry he was. And that every day he thinks about me and knows that letting me get away, and not going to counseling to solve his anger issues, is the biggest mistake of his life.

I believe him. He doesn't have anything to gain now from telling me that. He knows I am with Mr. Nice Guy and I am a different person now. He could see it. And I see it. I have closure. I think I can close that chapter now and continue moving forward. It feels good.

Lost.

Damn it! I cannot do this anymore!!! I just texted OMFG and had something I wanted to talk to him about and he asked what it was. I asked if I could speak freely, meaning is the GF around. And he said it would have to be tomorrow. This sucks.

I know that I am doing something I shouldn't be. I know he has a girlfriend. But I need him. I wanted to tell him that I am dying to be laying in this arms. The pain of not being able to do that is killing me. I feel this stabby pain in the middle of my chest. It's terrible.

We had lunch today and it was nice. The restaurant was dimly lit, so we were able to hold hands and talk without being caught. I got to pretend for a minute that I was the girlfriend. We discussed our situation and how to handle it. The conversation was a long time coming because often when we kiss he'll say "What the hell do we do now?" The feelings are too strong. We have passed the point of no return. So, today at lunch we discussed this.
We agreed we had two possible options.
1. Cut our losses. We could end the relationship now and spare our significant others feelings. This would enable us to exit the relationship with our good memories in tact and know that it was fun while it lasted, but us being together isn't a good idea.
Pros: S.O.'s not hurt. No messy breakup.
Cons: Our feeling would still be there. Waiting in the wings. I would wake up every day and wonder what he was doing and if he was happy. I would still love him. He said he would have regret and wonder if we were meant to be. And his feelings wouldn't go away. He would still love me.

2. Continue down this path until we cross the next line: We love each other more than we love the people we are with now. At that point decide if we leave them for each other.
Pros: We get to be together. All the time.
Cons: What if we don't like it? What if its only great now because we don't have to be the 1st girlfriend/boyfriend, just the one on the side? Also, would cause great pain to our current S.O.'s. Would be an incredibly sticky situation.

I almost broke it off with him. I teared up, said it was for the best, and then of course couldn't do it.

So, we decided on option 2.

I know it's not the most sound decision. But what if we are meant to be? He makes me incredibly happy. When I kissed him today for the first time, I sighed. It was like FINALLY. This is what I needed. He looks at me too. Not a glance but really LOOKS at me. He will just stare into my eyes and get this look on his face. It's a look of sheer contentment. Like he could look at me forever. Girls like that. It works. And every time he kisses my nose, I smile. I can't help it. He calls it my "instant smile button."

I miss him so much.

Open Mouth, Insert Foot.

Usually I wax poetic about how I may not be making the best decisions right now, but I am generally a good person. Today was an example of how I AM NOT a good person.

In life, I have made many choices that have led me to where I am now. Not all of them were incredibly sound decisions. I think we can all say that though, right? I mean, that's what life is, a series of decisions that lead you to where you are now. I have always loved the Douglas Adams quote, "I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be." This describes me perfectly. I went to college and it took me 5 and a 1/2 years to graduate because I decided to get married to The Ex my junior year. I had to take less classes, and work full-time to support us. I don't regret doing it. I know that I gave that marriage my all and it failed because of things beyond my control. But, it led me to where I am today.

Well, yesterday I woke up early and did things with the Fam. Hung out with my sister and niece and nephew after staying up late to go to a concert the night before. So, I was seriously low on sleep. Then, I went to work and we had inventory, so I was there til 2 am. I don't live close to work so I got home sometime between 230 and 3. I was exhausted. At this time I was texting a friend about possibly travelling with me on Monday to a town a couple hours away because its a long drive and I need company. This is a male friend who has a girlfriend. He said, "I would, but I am not sure how girlfriend would feel about that." This frustrated me slightly because we are friends, all of us, and I hate that she sometimes worries about our intentions. So, I sent him a text that said something like, "I hate that she makes your decisions for you. Like where you are going and who you are going with. It sucks." I'm not sure if those are my exact words, but it was something like that. Today I texted the girlfriend a few times with no response. Finally, she responds and proceeds to tell me that she thought we were friends until she found out that I think she makes all the decisions for her boyfriend. And she doesn't need friends who talk bad about her behind her back.

FML.

I immediately got that hijacked feeling. Do you know what I mean? Emotional hijacking. Like your insides have been taken over by adrenaline and you can't really think clearly. It's like the wind has been knocked out of you. Or you have been kicked in the stomach. I felt terrible. And I told her, "I am a terrible person. You have every right to be angry with me. I was overtired and I said something I didn't mean. I meant it toward him, not you. Like he lets you make decisions for him." She didn't know what he had said to make me make me send the offending text to him, and I didn't want to tell her. I continued to let her know how sorry I was and that she was a great person and I understood if she didn't want to be my friend anymore. She told me that she didn't want to be friends with someone who talked about her behind her back.

This is making my eye twitch. Because honestly, my least favorite quality in people is not saying things in person. If I have an issue with you, I put it out there. I talk about it. This isn't seventh grade, let's grow up a bit. I HATE that I was that person. I said something, and in the context she took it, I am an uber-bitch.

FML.

Which brings me to another quote I love by Oscar Wilde. "A true friend stabs you in the front." I like to be that kind of friend. I dislike gossip and all the trouble it brings. Now, here I am, in the thick of it. *SIGH*

The problem with me not getting enough sleep is, I lose my filter. That device that keeps you from saying exactly what you think and maybe some things you don't even really mean, I lose it. I tend to say what's on my mind anyway, but when I drink alcohol or don't get enough rest I suffer from diarrhea of the mouth. So, I had a very poor choice of words and may lose a close friend over it.

FML.

Crap.

What do I do now?