Loss.

I feel it surrounding me right now. When loss is surrounding you, it almost consumes you and makes you feel like your are suffocating in it.

I have had my fair share of loss. Even though I knew it was the right thing to do, and I have never looked back, I felt loss when I left The Ex. I felt like I was mourning what we were supposed to have. I was mourning the loss of hope for our marriage and future together. Everything that I thought we would have and everything that I had put into it. I mourned it as though I was grieving a loved one.

Then, I lost my Dad. He wasn't perfect. No one is. He was technically my stepfather, but they had been married since I was 8. He sewed my dance costumes, went to my school plays, cried when I graduated from high school and paid for college and my wedding. He was a fantastic father. He was so supportive when I left The Ex. He hated The Ex for abusing me and wanted to kill him. He restrained himself but felt as though he had failed me somehow for not saving me from that situation. And then one morning, he had a massive arrhythmia in our backyard and died. He suffered lack of oxygen and was brain dead. We had him on life support for 10 days before finally letting him go. It was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. Even though its been about a year and a half, I am crying as I write this.

Now, my life is different. I have Mr. Nice Guy and everything is great. Or it is supposed to be. things are spiraling out of control and our relationship isn't what I want it to be. And it isn't because of OMFG. In fact, I haven't really seen him in three weeks so he isn't factoring into any of what is transpiring at home. Mr. Nice Guy is acting more like Mr. Irresponsible. I feel like I am falling out of love. It makes me sad to imagine that. When we met, I though this was it. I had found the guy that was everything I wanted. But now, I am coming to realize it was too soon after The Ex and decisions may have been made too hastily. I honestly don't know what to do.

On top of this, I have lost a close friend this week. He lost his battle with brain cancer. We just found out he had it on Christmas Eve and now he is gone. I know he is no longer suffering and I am thankful for that. But he was far too young for his life to end. I am mostly sad for my niece and nephew, he is their grandfather, and I hate seeing them go through this all over again. First my Dad, and now this. It's terrible.

Loss is an overwhelming emotion. I need room to breathe.