Hiatus.

The Blog is back bitches.

Letter.

What do you feel when we kiss? Is it mundane? I think not, judging by your moans and whispers. Is it only so so? Is it inconsequential among the kisses of your past? Some stolen. Others sweet.

What do you feel when we touch? When you touch me? Do you feel the electricity flowing through our bodies as I do? Do you feel breathless and wanted and alive? When we are together I don't doubt the chemistry for a second. When we are apart I feel unsure of where we stand. Where I stand with you. Do you feel anything for me? Or just "something"? Do I just fill your time and give you someone to fuck? Or is there more to it than that?

In the beginning, it was just fucking for me. It grew into more. You became my friend. And a confidant. I realized I enjoyed TIME with you. Not just sex. And the sex got better. The connection grew stronger. The last time we were together, alone, I felt my body become alive at your touch. It was so personal. It's not just sex. It's not a relationship. And, I'm good with that. I just want to know if my senses are lying to me.

When we are together I have no doubt.

When we are apart, there are questions.

HNT. Waiting.

I saw Eclectic Listener today. We made plans for Sunday.

I took a little shopping trip for panties to wear for him. It turned me on, the thought of buying something for him to enjoy. What got this little adventure started was him making a comment about how he likes thongs. Which, surprised me because I have asked his opinion of what he would like me to wear before, and he never mentioned this. So, I went shopping. I bought two new thongs and two new hipster panties. (my personal favorite)

He definitely knows how to make me smile. I hope these put a smile on his face.

Taken.

I didn't know how much I had missed him until I saw him again. It was difficult for me to look him in the eyes the first few minutes we were together because I was afraid he would see right through me, and know what looking at him did to me. The few times our eyes did lock, I felt my body tighten up and I gasped a little. It's the kind of intense attraction that doesn't happen very often. I am not sure anyone has had this kind of power of me. I'm not sure power is the right word, but the response my body has to him is second to none.

We stood and talked by his bar for a while. I knew I wanted to kiss him, but we both like buildup and anticipation so I wasn't sure how long I should wait. Honestly, I wanted to kiss him the second I saw him. He had gotten a haircut. I love his hair. It's naturally blond, but has started to go grey. It suits him. The grey hair blends down his sideburns into a perfectly maintained beard. The beard was new. I loved it. He always had a goatee, which looked great on him, but something about the beard suited his face. It took everything in me not to grab his shirt and pull him to me and kiss him.

About thirty minutes had gone by and we were talking and laughing. We are always laughing. He reached across me for something and turned toward me and kissed me. It was unexpected. I felt the effects of that kiss all the way down to my toes. A tingling sensation ran down my spine and I lost control of my senses. All I knew was I wanted his tongue to continue to swirl inside my mouth and feel his hands on my skin.

We went back to talking and watching something on his computer. He lightly grazed his hand up and down my back. This small gesture felt like electricity pulsing through my skin. It was difficult to concentrate. After what seemed like a lifetime, but was probably just another twenty minutes, he turned to me and kissed me again. His hands pulled me to him tightly, I grabbed the back of his head. We were kissing so deeply, so passionately. I sucked his tongue into my mouth and then bit his lower lip. He pulled my shirt down and grabbed at my breasts, moving his lips from my mouth to my neck. I was moaning. He was moaning as he kissed me. "Let's move this to the bedroom," he said.

I laid on the bed and waited for him. He slid in beside me and I couldn't even wait for him to get settled before kissing him again. At once, the kissing was furious and needed. His hand slid down my shorts and rubbed against my mound. I kissed him harder and moved my hips against his hand.

My shorts and panties came off and I felt his expert fingers rubbing against my clit. I was so wet and my moaning was out of control. Just when I thought I would cum, he would move his fingers inside me and I would buck against them. Then, they would move back to the clit. Eventually, he let me cum. But, that didn't stop him from fingering me. He just put his fingers back inside me until I came again. My breathe was heaving. "Are you alright?" he asked. I smiled and managed a "Mmhmm." He licked my wetness from his fingers. That has to be the hottest thing I have ever seen in my life.

I kissed my way down his chest and removed his shorts. I gasped when I saw his dick. I gasp every time. I can't help it. It's so big and hard, how could you not gasp? I started licking up and down the shaft, his precum tasted so good, I wanted more. I took all of him in and moaned with him in my mouth. I felt his hand on the top of my head. I continued to get his dick nice and wet before taking him in again. His other hand found my pussy and started fingering me. I responded by whimpering while bobbing my head up and down on his cock. I love going down on him. That, combined with him fingering was almost too much pleasure. My mouth was so incredibly wet, and sucking him in as far as it could. His body started to convulse and I was still whining and moaning from him pumping his fingers in and out of me. "I have to be inside you," he said. I laid down next to him and said, " I have been on my knees long enough."

He positioned himself between my legs and slid into me. I inhaled sharply and let out a guttural "Ooooh." I heard him mutter "Mmmm." The pleasure was so intense, we were monosyllabic at this point. His cock felt so big and hard inside me. I tightened around him, wanting to feel more. He leaned down to me and said, "Damn baby, you're so tight." And then he kissed me. Deeply. While still thrusting inside me. Even thinking about this now gives me butterflies.

His body continued pounding into mine until he said,"I'm going to cum. Do you want it in your mouth?" I grabbed his hands and pulled him back into me and he came immediately. His whole body shuddered. I smiled between my moans. I love the look on his face when he cums. It looks so relaxed, masculine, and fucking sexy.

It was by far the best sex of my life.

Sun.

So far, the vacation is amazing. I have had a fabulous time with family and friends, traveled out of state, spent some time in the sun, and managed to get a little tan.

The best part is I am feeling more like myself. The stress of the last couple of months has taken a toll on me, and I usually am a pretty chill person. Right now, I feel as though I am sliding back into my old skin and being more like myself. I don't like being in a situation where I start to lose part of my sense of self. It reminds me too much of when I split with The Ex. The time that we were together morphed me into someone I didn't recognize. Being in a abusive relationship changes you slowly over time. I turned into a girl who was insecure, quiet, and afraid. I will never be that girl again.

I used to host a radio show when I was GM of our college radio station. My cohost, Jersey Girl, was one of the best friends I had ever had. We just clicked. When we get together we talk a mile a minute and are able to catch up on the last five years in about two minutes. She came into town yesterday and spent the night with me. When you are going through a difficult time and losing yourself in the process, there is nothing like an old friend to remind you of who you used to be and give you a little perspective. Jersey Girl has done that for me. We are getting some much needed girl time today with pedicures and spa day.

I talked to Eclectic Listener last night. He says he has missed me. I know I have missed him. I miss just hanging out and talking to him. He told me he was hoping to see me today. I hope so. Jersey Girl leaves early this afternoon and I'm free the rest of the day as I am still on Vacation!! I just keep thinking about having him inside me. My body aches for it. I yearn for him.

Vacation!!

I am going on a much needed vacay! I am ecstatic! The last few months have been so stressful, some sun will be a much needed cure.

Not to worry, the blog won't disappear. I will be out of town until Monday. And after that, I am hoping to spend some time with Eclectic Listener. He told me last week that while I was on vacation he wanted me to be at his "beck and call." He better live up to that. I want to see him a few times while I am de-stressed and happy. He deserves a chance to hang out with the real Nik. And yes, I know he reads this...so for persuasion he should know that I will be tan, in new lingerie, and back in town after missing him for quite a while.

I have been dreaming about Eclectic Listener alot lately. I'm not sure what the dreams mean. In most of them we are kissing or we are asleep. I actually dream about him touching my back while we are sleeping. I know its odd, but I think it has to do with the fact that he gives me a sense of security that I am not feeling elsewhere. I appreciate him for that.

I will leave you with a picture.

Everybody Hurts.

I remember watching 90210, and Brenda listening to Losing My Religion after Dylan broke up with her. I got in my car today, after an emotionally exhausting day, and Everybody Hurts was playing. The irony of everyday life never ceases to amaze me.

Pain is a universal language. We all go through things that challenge us and bring out our best, and sometimes bring out our worst.

I feel like I haven't been the best version of myself lately.

Normally, I am confident, effervescent, intelligent and sarcastic. In recent weeks I have only seen glimpses of the real me among depression and sadness following some major life changes. Everything that has been going on with Mr. Nice Guy makes me sad. I hate thinking that it's over. But it is. Unfortunately, we weren't meant to be. I have to move on and find out what my life is going to be without him. I went so quickly from The Ex to Mr. Nice Guy, I never really discovered single me.

Yes, there is Eclectic Listener. And yes, there are feelings there. But, it isn't something that concerns me. I know we both are wanting to be independent now and be with each other only when we want to be. I don't know if it will progress into something more, or something deeper. I think we are just letting whatever is going happen, happen. Organically. We aren't forcing anything. And, I kinda like that. I like the idea of not being lonely, but also not being put into a box. I want to just do what feels right and comfortable for a while. And for now, this does.

Life is such a funny thing. We rarely learn from the mistakes of others. We see their mistakes and think, "That would never happen to me. I'm too smart for that." When we say things like that, I think it makes God laugh. You inevitably put yourself in the very situation that you never thought you would be, and now it's up to you to do the right thing. Or not. I sometimes feel like I am fumbling through life and eventually, I'll hit the right path. I never did things the way everyone else did.

I have to find my own way.