Kissing. And Other Things That Are Not So Pleasant.

Kissing is underrated. It seems like all people want to talk about is sex. Some kisses leave me so weak in the knees that I think about them for days. I like to close my eyes an daydream about such kisses.

I shared a few of those with OMFG the other day. That's all we did was kiss. No fooling around, or sex. Just touching and kissing. I was more aroused then than I am during foreplay sessions with most people. The feeling of hesitation before your heads move just centimeters away from each other. You can feel their breath on your face. Maybe you smile a little because you are excited and anxious. You close your eyes and your lips touch. Sometimes, its magic.

I realize how cheesy this sounds. But when you are in the lustful, passionate phase with someone kissing is AMAZING.

OMFG leaned in to kiss me and pulled away right before our lips touched. He moved his head back, cocked it sideways, and smiled.

He knew I was dying for it.

I grabbed the back of his head and pulled him to me. He wrapped his arms around my body and held me close. We kissed. Deeply. I could hear both of us sigh amidst our kiss. We both wanted it.

We aren't together right now. He is at home with her. Probably resting comfortably in her arms. Cuddling maybe. I feel a little nauseous thinking about it. And yet, I continue to imagine it. Does he love her in the same way he loves me? Does he feel more comfortable with her? Does she make him happy? Do I make him happy? ARE WE MEANT TO BE??? I don't know.

I keep wondering if he loves me as much as I love him and is he in this as deeply as I am? I have a feeling there is a point of no return I am about to reach. Where we have to go all in, or leave heartbroken. I'm scared of both choices.

I'm at home with Mr. Nice Guy. He is in bed, sleeping soundly. I am listening to the dulcet tones coming from my computer. Heartbreak Warfare. Have two more true words ever been spoken?

I'm a little sad.

Is it strange to feel alone when you're surrounded by people who love you?

When the Wind Blows.

OMFG "broke up" with me. I put that in quotations because I am not sure that is the correct term for when the person that you are cheating on your S.O. with tells you maybe you should stop.

I saw him in the morning and we were touching, kissing, everything was fine. Normal. We talked about how crazy it was that we fell in love and what the hell are we going to do now. There was alot of staring at the ground. Its hard to make eye contact when every time you look at each other you start kissing passionately. Makes difficult conversations nearly impossible.

The conversation went something like this:
"We didn't mean for this to happen, we were friends and I think the feelings were brewing on the surface. Then we opened the door and everything happened so fast." I said.

"Yeah, I felt something for you since the beginning. I just didn't say anything because of Mr. Nice Guy."

"What do we do now? If we stop, the feelings will still be there."

"I don't know what to do. I think about that all the time. When I'm not thinking about you, I'm thinking about what we are going to do about this situation."

"This is so hard. How did this happen? We are both with really good people which makes this even worse."

"I know. It would be much easier if he (Mr. Nice Guy) was an asshole, but he's not. I like him. Maybe we should try to stop. See what happens." OMFG said. My face fell. "I don't want to stop. I know I should, but I don't want to. We'll have to not see each other for a while because I don't think I could handle it."

"We have to see each other or they (our significant others) will suspect something."

"So this is what you want to do?"

"I think we should try." He said, and looked at me. It was so hard to look at him. I was fighting back tears. I don't like to cry. "I have to go. Or I'm going to cry." I started to walk away. I could feel him looking at me. "You're really leaving?" he asked. I turned to look at him, "Yeah, I have to go."

I got in my car and drove off. I stopped about 1 minute later at a gas station. I sent him a text that read, "I made it as far as 7-11 before I had to stop to cry."

I sat there, thinking about what we had done, and how this happened and how now I was crying in a parking lot over a guy that was supposed to be my friend.

I received a reply. "I feel like shit." Welcome to the club. I asked him, "Ok, but are you hurting? How do you feel." He said, "I feel like I was stabbed in the chest."

"Well, this was your idea, we'll try it." I said.

"But I miss you already"

I got back on the road, and continued to think about him. There was a line that we crossed. We shouldn't have crossed it, but now we can't go back. You can't take back telling someone you love them, that part of your heart is now theirs to keep. After about 30 minutes I received a new text. "Let's just forget this. I said try it, and obviously its not working."

I smiled and replied, "So, a 30 minute break-up?"

"It wasn't a break up. It was a hiccup."

"Ok. That makes me happy."

And several hours later I received a new message. "I love you alot."

"You do? What made you say that?"

"Yeah, I miss you and I can't get you off my mind."

Love that. I know I shouldn't, but I do. I don't know where this is headed, and I'm sure its going to end badly. But for now, I'm just going to live and see what happens.

I can't stop thinking about him.

Good Morning.

OMFG came over early to see me. I was excited to see him, it had been a few days. He laid down next to me and I could feel this overwhelming urge to touch him. I decided it would be better to wait. Let him come to me.

That lasted about 30 seconds.

I put my head in that spot in between his arm and shoulder. I love it there. I kissed him. I was in a cuddly mood and probably could have laid there for an hour. Just talking and cuddling.

OMFG had different ideas. We cuddled for a few minutes and he took my hand and led it to his dick. I can't say no to that. If my hand touches a dick, I have to act on it. I go from not being in the mood, to overdrive, in a matter of seconds.

Immediately I started rubbing it through his boxers. He groaned in approval, and quickly grew hard. "Let me make that easier on you." he said as he took his cock out of his boxers for me to touch. I started by moving my hand up and down the shaft and he thrust his hips in time with my hands. He then grabbed my head and started pushing it down there.

I know him well enough to know he would never actually force a blow job on me, so I didn't mind him pushing my head. In fact I rather enjoyed it. He pushed my head south and I licked the head of his dick. My mouth was wet. I licked the shaft up and down and stopped to see the reaction on his face. His eyes were closed and his face was twisted into an expression that can only be described as euphoria. I sucked the head hard and fast and, without warning, deep-throated him. He groaned and pushed my head harder. I was pumping my head up and down his perfect cock and he kept shoving my head down. I was actually having to put back pressure against his hand or he would've inadvertently choked me. I stopped to tell him this. "Oh, uh sorry." he replied sheepishly. I smiled loving that he was enjoying it so much. Every few seconds I would hear him mutter under his breath, "Oh god, oh Nik." Love that.

My jaw started to lock up from the intensity I was using to suck his dick. It's like blowing up a balloon, but in reverse. Your lips are pulled in, your cheek and jaw muscled clenched, and you are sucking until you can't take it anymore. I stopped for a second. "I'm so sorry, but it hurts. I didn't do my exercises this morning." I kidded.
"I understand, you don't have to finish."
"But I want to!"
He took his dick into his own hands and started to jerk off. I watched, mesmerized before leaning down to suck on the head. He moved his hand further down the shaft so I could take more of him in. This continued for a minute until he started swearing. "Oh shit, oh fuck, oh god." he said. OMFG took my head and pushed it down on him. I sucked and applied pressure and swirled with my tongue til I knew he was about to cum. He moaned in several bursts as he came in my mouth. I kept sucking him until I felt him go limp in my mouth, then I swallowed. "What a great way to start the day." he said. And I agree.

Torn.

I'm falling for someone. I didn't plan this. It isn't because of "the arrangement." It happened despite the open relationship, not because of it.

I still love Mr. Nice Guy. My feelings haven't really changed. When we are together it still feels good. But, when I am with OMFG...life makes sense. I lose my breath, I'm happy, we fit.

How did this happen? We were friends. For a long time. And I think the feelings were brewing at the surface. And then, one day, they exploded. It happened so fast I didn't know what was going on. Before I knew it, we had crossed that line. It went from a "Friends with Benefits" situation to a "I might be in love with you" situation.

I laid in bed with him, with my head on his chest, breathing him in. I love to run my hands up and down his chest and listen to the beat of his heart. He makes me laugh. We come up with the craziest things to laugh about. And when he looks at me, the world stops spinning.

So, what do I do now. Leaving Mr. Nice Guy is not an option. He has been nothing but good to me and I love him.

I know its too late to say this, but I'm not a bad person. I could be your sister, your daughter, your friend. I am likeable, smart and usually I make good decisions. My heart made this decision before my head had a chance to say no. Writing this is painful and difficult. Until now, I have avoided really thinking about the repercussions and avoided having a ton of guilt. "We have an open relationship," I said. "I'm not doing anything wrong."

Either decision I make people are going to be hurt. And it's all my fault. Part of me wants to stay in limbo and not have to choose. But, I know in the end I will have to.

I'm at home now, with Mr. Nice Guy. He is in bed, thinking all is right with the world. I am sitting here, aching in my heart to be with OMFG. I want him to hold me.

I'm torn.

Blow Jobs.

I heart them. There is no getting around that. Women look at me with perplexed faces when I say this. I just smile and repeat. I LOVE giving blow jobs. I think women look at me that way because they have yet to harness the sweet, amazing power that you get when you give a great blow j.

Here's my theory. Men become putty in your hands when you give a fanfuckingtastic blow job. Their eyes roll back in their head, they shake, maybe even whimper. I smile just thinking about it. YOU, the giver, are in complete control. I think it's the control that makes it so awesome for me. I am, after all, kinda a control freak so blow jobs allow me to put together two of my favorite things: Power. And Sex.

The key to giving great head is to look like you are enjoying it.

Before you start with your "OMG! It's so GROSS! How could I enjoy it?"
Hear me out.
It's fun.
I promise.
Fake it til you make it as my Mom used to say. Pretend to like it, and one day you'll be on your knees with a cock in your mouth thinking "Nik was right! The bruised knees are so worth it!"
You're welcome.

First of all, don't dive right in. When you're with a guy and he doesn't warm up your situation before fingering you or going down on you, it doesn't feel half as good as when he has you bucking your hips trying to make his hands head that way. Same goes for your guy. You want him to be practically begging for it.

Kiss your way down, rub his chest, caress his legs, do things you genuinely enjoy doing to him. I personally love hip bones. I think they are amazingly sexy. So, I work my way to them and lick and suck them. Fortunately for me, alot of guys are a bit ticklish there. So, it feels good, but they squirm a little. Then, I moan a little when I finally see his dick. And for me, this is usually real excitement because I love a good dick. And every man loooooves the thought of someone moaning at the sight of their favorite appendage.

Once they are begging sufficiently, I lick it like a popsicle. Start at the bottom and work my way up. I don't take it in my mouth just yet because again it's all about anticipation. I suck on their balls a little too IF they keep up on their manscaping. I can't handle doing that if their situation is not maintained. It's just not pleasant.

Next, I twirl my tongue around it in a figure 8 motion, slowly. Moaning again for emphasis. Then I go back to licking it up and down a few more times before I am ready to take it all in.

That is the start to a fanfuckingtastic blow job.

It's been approximately 4, maybe 5 days since I gave a blow job. This was probably one of my favorites ever. OMFG and I were together and didn't have time for sex. I had been teasing him through text all day and he was aching for it. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and when we kissed I just grabbed his pants and unbuttoned them.
He sighed.
We kissed harder.
His pants fell to the floor.
I didn't say anything and just got on my knees. I pulled down his underwear.
He was already hard. I moaned. So did he. We both knew we had been anticipating this all day. I kissed his hip bone and rubbed his thighs. I love it when they are standing because their legs feel so strong and masculine. I worked my way to his cock and licked the shaft. Before I knew it I was moaning and getting very wet between my legs.
I didn't hesitate for long before taking all of him in. The thing about this position is it allows him to penetrate your mouth more deeply. I don't recommend it for the inexperienced. Could cause problems with the gag reflex.
My mouth was super wet so he easily slid in and out. My head bobbed back and forth and I could hear OMFG saying, "Mmmm, Oh God."

Love that.

After about 10 minutes of that my jaw was hurting a bit because of the size of him, but I continued because we were both enjoying it. He started really getting into it and was thrusting his hips and meeting the thrusts of my head.

I stopped and told him he had to be careful because we match up so well he could thrust directly into my mouth and because his dick is so freaking big (and perfect) he *might* activate my nearly non-existent gag reflex.

He started moaning even more and repeating, "Oh God, Oh Nik, Oh My God."
He was pulling my hair and grabbing my head.
I love that.
I moved faster and got into a good rhythm. He pulled my hair harder and let out one final "Oh God!" before cumming in my mouth.

I kept him in my mouth and kept moving back and forth until he had finished cumming, which he came HARD so it was about 20 seconds or so and waited until I thought he was ready, and I pulled away and swallowed.

He was breathless. His body was shaking.

And THAT is why I love Blow Jobs.

Conflict.

Things are a little disconcerting to me.

I'm in quite the predicament. I love Mr. Nice Guy. Don't get me wrong, I do. He is sweet and kind, compassionate, loyal, smart, funny, all the things I want in a man.

Here's the thing--I realize life, and relationships, have seasons. You go through times of challenge and you come out of them stronger. Sometimes you're so close to one another you really almost feel like one person. And other times its as though you live on separate planets. Well, right now we are somewhere in the middle. When we are together, things are good. I have fun and feel relaxed and have that overwhelming Iloveyousomuchithurts feeling on the inside. But, I don't feel the need to be with him so much anymore. Is this normal? Am I bored? Or both?

I find myself doing more things on my own. Part of me thinks this is healthy because when I got out of the relationship with The Ex, I kind of fell into a relationship with Mr. Nice Guy. I was so afraid of losing him I think I jumped before I was really ready to be in a relationship. I needed time. Time to figure out who I wanted to be. The Ex stole part of me. I had to find part of myself before I had the courage to leave him, and find the rest of me once he wasn't in the picture. And the thing is, its hard to reconcile who the hell you are when you spent most of your twenties with someone who told you exactly who he didn't want you to be.

The Ex was famous for pointing out my flaws, insulting me, and telling me to shut the fuck up at least 3 times a day. The person I was when I met him would NEVER have put up with that. But the person I became did. So, I needed time after The Ex to somehow mesh early 20's, bubbly, effervescent me with late 20's, educated, and post-abuse me. It's so strange, I don't know how to explain it. I feel like I don't know the girl I was for seven years. I look back at when we were together and I literally don't recognize myself. I looked and acted completely different. And the change is not complete. I am still finding out who I am. I think Mr. Nice Guy understands that.

We had a long talk the other night about how I want to continue to grow as a person and finish what I started after The Ex. His only fear was me leaving him behind. Which is not something I intend to do. I just want to leave this decade of my life knowing that I learned something and the time I spent with The Ex wasn't a complete waste.

It's hard to come out of a long relationship like that and see past the failures. You tried to love someone and make it work with them, and it didn't work. So, was the time a waste? Or can something be gained through all the time and pain?

It was not a complete failure. I appreciate who I am now, and I will never be her again.

Life.

Spent good couple time with my significant other last night. It was nice. I cooked for him, which I love because besides sex, cooking is my great passion. And he loved it too, because he saw I was having fun in the kitchen and he got to enjoy great food.

I asked him if he wanted to make out. I was kind of being silly. We went to bed and he started kissing me and it made me sad that it wasn't going anywhere. He would kiss, and it felt good, and his hands would travel up and down my sides, but he wasn't "trying" anything. I made the decision not to initiate. We probably kissed a good thirty minutes before he FINALLY touched my ass. I moaned, to let him know I approved and then he moved his hand between my legs and fingered me.

And for the first time in a while, it felt really good. I kinda thought my clit had died. I wasn't feeling as much as I used to. But there it was!!! YAY! He couldn't get me to O though. So we decided to have sex doggy style and I would finish myself. Not the way I hoped the evening would go, but I digress.
At least I got some action.

And, I am hoping for some today. From OMFG. We shall see.