Feel.

I have been masturbating a lot lately.
It's not that I haven't been having sex, I have. Eclectic Listener and I have been having a fantastic time fucking each others brains out. It never gets old. The mere thought of his cock makes my mouth and my pussy wet. But, I have still been enjoying the feel of my hand between my legs.

I still stand by what I have said before- giving myself orgasms makes me a better lover. For the most part, I'm comfortable in my own skin. I have grown to love my body with its faults. I love my breasts. How firm they are and when my nipples get hard, my piercings stand out. My full lips. Curves. I think masturbation is at least partly responsible for this. It's hard not to love your body when it brings you such exquisite pleasure.

Cumming. Over and over.

Eclectic Listener tells me to cum on his cock and I do. And, sometimes, if I'm lucky, I get to lick my juices off of him before he explodes in my mouth. I love him pushing my hair out of my face so he can watch me take all of him in. My cheekbones standing out from me sucking so hard. He grabs my hair and I moan with him still in my mouth.

I feel that familiar wetness between my thighs and, I have to indulge.

Electricity.

So, I've slowed down on dating. I was seeing a few guys casually, but no one that I felt any connection with. For this reason, I don't think online dating is for me.

Chemistry is organic, you can't force it. And when reading a profile, sure, someone can sound good on paper and when you meet, there's no spark. I always had a suspicion this may be the case if you met someone from the internet.

And here's why: Pheremones.

Pheremones are a CRITICAL part of your attraction to someone. How can the internet take THAT into account. It can't. And the last time I met someone and felt that instant attraction was Eclectic Listener over a year ago. When we met, we both felt something. And yes, physically I found him attractive, and I'm sure he found me attractive. but, there was something else. It was just an instant chemistry that could probably be chalked up to pheremones. It felt amazing, and is probably the reason thst when we are together, everything feels soooooo good. I don't want to settle for anything less than that. Eclectic Listener has told me he knew then that we would end up in bed together. After that quick 5 minute meeting he knew. That's intense. And it still is. I wish we were still together, but we're not. We are just doing what feels natural. And I'm going to keep doing that until it doesn't feel right anymore. Maybe someday I will meet someone again, and his subconscious will be attracted to my subconscious. Subconsciously.

Empty.

I had the best sex of my life early Sunday morning. I find it hard to believe that the sex keeps getting better with him, even after all this time, but it does.

He thrusted and pounded into me. Making me cum, over and over. Fucked me in my ass, I pushed into him, feeling him deep inside me. When he came, I came. We both were moaning so loud I'm sure we woke the neighbors. I did laugh, because when he came he said, "Praise Jesus, on this Sunday morning!"

Eclectic Listener is an atheist.

I love our connection. He is my favorite person to chat with and tell things to. But, its more than that. We can do nothing together, for hours, and time will fly by. We will make plans to watch a movie, and end up just spending the night talking. That has happened more times than I can count. There is a satisfaction to be found in spending time with someone that you can completely be yourself with.

I worry I will never find someone to love me that I share these same things with. Someone who stimulates my mind and body and makes me laugh. Someone who is confident and masculine. Someone I can do nothing with and have a fantastic time. Someone who can make me cum 15 times a night.

I know I should only worry about things I can control. But, I have a lot of love to give. If only I had someone to receive it.

Are You Listening?

I don't know how to begin.

I went to his place to give him a blow job. He had had a long, exhausting day and deserved a release. He told me he was too tired to even masturbate but, "a blow job would be perfection!" I offered to come over. He said, "That's not necessary, Sexy. But it sounds amazing."

Finally, he said he did want me to come over and do what I do best, and he would make it up to me with a pussy pounding later in the week. This made me happy.

We never jump straight to the sex. We could, but we don't. I arrived at his place and went with him to walk his dog. She is an adorable Siberian Husky. The evening was warm, and as we walked I kept thinking about how attracted to him I am. He has a perfectly trimmed beard that suits his face. I love it.

We went back inside and looked at some music he had downloaded and I rambled on about how I love my new job. We laid on his bed, facing each other and continued to talk. He leaned in to kiss me, but instead of it being forceful and deep right from the get-go like it normally is, it was slow and tender. He leaned into me, and hesitated. His lips were so close, I could feel his breath on my face. He looked at me and our eyes held an intense gaze until I kissed him. Soft and slow, taking our time enjoying the lip lock before allowing our tongues to explore. His hands ran up and down my body, feeling every curve. I had my hand on the back of his head, pulling his hair and gasping between kisses.

I wasn't wearing a bra. He teased and played with my pierced nipples through my shirt. The kissing felt like it simultaneously lasted forever and just an instant. He lifted my shirt and surrounded my hard nipple with his mouth. The combination of him squeezing my breast and intensely sucking my nipple was incredible. I was moaning and gasping from pleasure and pain.

"You're not letting me do my job," I said, "I'm here in a mission." My hand reached beneath his pants and took ahold of his hard dick. I felt the precum surrounding it, and knew I had to taste it. I pulled off his pants, and got on all fours hovering over his cock. I felt my mouth start to water. I licked greedily up and down the shaft. He was so sensitive at this point he was moaning guttorally and sharply taking in breath. I sucked the head. "Oh God." he moaned. I took in the whole thing down to the base. My mouth was so wet my head easily slid his cock deep into my mouth, over and over, achieving the perfect rhythm.

My mouth took over and my jaw started to clench. I was sucking his dick so hard and taking it all in each time. His hands ran through my hair pushing it all out of the way so he could watch my pretty face swallow his cock. "Do you feel how hard it is?!" I did. I felt all nine inches hitting the back of my throat, and I loved it. He grabbed me by my hair and pulled my face to his and kissed me. His hands all over my body. I know it felt good, so why did he stop me. I loved kissing him. The blow job was so intense I wanted to press my lips to his and feel his tongue inside me again. But why did he do it? he has never done that before.

I resumed sucking his dick and again found the perfect pace. We were both moaning and he was shaking all over. His breath was short. I think we both knew this was different than any other time I have given him head. He pulled down my pants and started fingering my pussy and ass. I came effortlessly. I was soaking wet. I thrusted my hips in time with his fingers and kept my head slamming down on his cock. My tongue rubbing the head and swallowing it whole. His hands felt so amazing I felt another orgasm building up. I increased my pace. We came so fucking hard. He was shaking and trembling all over. I kept him in my mouth until his shaking subsided and I collapsed beside him.

I don't know how anything can compare to that.

Singledom.

So, I went on a casual first date last night. He was cute, conversation flowed easily enough, and I was seeing a second date on the horizon.

Then his (ex?) girlfriend showed up.

"How could you do this to me?!?" "Lets go outside and discuss this. I broke up with you."
"No! You said you love me. That you'd love me forever! What about my kids???"
Kids! She has kids! I felt like I had suddenly walked into an episode of Maury.
I was so entranced that for a minute I continued to sip my Diet Coke with Lime and watch with faint amusement. It was a spectacle, for sure.

When she started hyperventilating, I exited the restaurant.

Fuck me, this is why I will be single forever.

Perspective

Life can change in an instant.

This should be everyone in the world's motto after today. What a crazy thing to happen to Japan with the earthquake, tsunami, and their after affects.

My thoughts are with them.

In the last year, I feel as though I have really tried to live my life in a way that makes me happy. It's odd to think that this has to be a conscious decision. But, it does. I have worked through to many things and learned to really enjoy my life. The only thing I did that I regret doing, is give up the blog. I can't do that again. It means to much to write. I like pouring my feelings out on the page. It's therapy for me.

Relationships of any kind are work. Eclectic Listener and I have a fantastic relationship. We are not "together." But, he is my best friend and I love him with all my heart. I am so thankful for that. He is so different from anyone I have ever met. A true loner, but one who cherishes the people he trusts enough to let in. In some ways, I feel for him because he is so guarded. I thought I was guarded, but it turns out that I just need to know you can be trusted, then I will open up. It isn't the same for him. He would open up to me in some big way and then would back off from talking to me for days. I don't even know if he did it consciously, but it was as though he had to take 2 steps forward and 1 step back. It could be incredibly frustrating, but the reward of getting to know such an interesting and genuine person was worth it. I haven't gotten to know someone as well as I now know him in a long time, if ever.

I have entered, for the first time, the world of online dating. Adventures to follow.

I will leave you with this, "After a while, you just want to be with the one that makes you laugh." -Mr. Big

That's what I am looking for. My partner in crime who can make me laugh.

Many Happy Returns.

Happy Birthday to one of my favorite people, Eclectic Listener.

It isn't very often that you meet someone that you just sync with. Someone who understands who you are, with faults, and accepts you. Eclectic Listener gets me in a way no one has before. He is the first person to tell me that I don't see the world like everyone else. I tell him things I don't tell anyone else. Strange habits I have like taking a nice hot shower, enjoying every second of it, only to turn the cold to full blast right before I get out. I told him I think its good for my pores. He laaaaauuuughed, so hard. And said, "Why would you ruin a perfectly good shower?!"

I went to his house on Monday. We hadn't seen each other in awhile. Life has caused some changes in our relationship, but we are still in a good place. We were listening to music on his bed. First, Massive Attack. Talked through the whole album. Then, Goldfrapp. Talked and laughed through another album. Last, the Stay soundtrack. I think it was during that one that he touched me.

His hand found my breast. The touch was reserved because of our absence, but not unfamiliar. I smiled, enjoying the tender touch. His hand travelled up my shirt, and I touched the side of his face and kissed him. Hard. And deep.

Sometimes, I'm afraid no one will ever kiss me again the way he does. It is the exact amount of passion, control, and wetness that I want in a kiss. Once we get into a kissing rhythm, even of our hands are tending to other needs, the kiss will take over. Our hands find the backs of our heads and we are lost. Kissing so deep until I have to pull away and say, "Mmm."

I removed his pants to suck his dick. His body responded to our kiss exactly how I wanted. His perfect thick cock was hard and ready. He loves my blow jobs and I knew this was what he was waiting for. I licked up and down the sides until it was thorough wet. My mouth had been watering in anticipation of this. I sucked the head of his cock and he gasped and groaned. His hand found the back of my head and guided it, up and down the shaft of his dick. Precum was filling my mouth and I greedily lapped it up.

I stopped sucking and kissed him again hard, ran my hands down his chest and started sucking again, feverishly. You could hear the wetness of my mouth and occasional near gag from the size of him. He was thrusting into my face and I loved it.

Eventually I straddled him, relishing being on top and in control. He sucked on my pierced nipples, intensifying my pleasure. I leaned back and rocked back and forth until it became too much and I had to lean down into him, still grinding against him. "Cum baby. Cum on my cock." That was all it took. I moaned and moaned. My muscles tightened against him and he cried out in pleasure. And I came. In a way only he can make me.

Happy Birthday indeed.