Conflict.

Things are a little disconcerting to me.

I'm in quite the predicament. I love Mr. Nice Guy. Don't get me wrong, I do. He is sweet and kind, compassionate, loyal, smart, funny, all the things I want in a man.

Here's the thing--I realize life, and relationships, have seasons. You go through times of challenge and you come out of them stronger. Sometimes you're so close to one another you really almost feel like one person. And other times its as though you live on separate planets. Well, right now we are somewhere in the middle. When we are together, things are good. I have fun and feel relaxed and have that overwhelming Iloveyousomuchithurts feeling on the inside. But, I don't feel the need to be with him so much anymore. Is this normal? Am I bored? Or both?

I find myself doing more things on my own. Part of me thinks this is healthy because when I got out of the relationship with The Ex, I kind of fell into a relationship with Mr. Nice Guy. I was so afraid of losing him I think I jumped before I was really ready to be in a relationship. I needed time. Time to figure out who I wanted to be. The Ex stole part of me. I had to find part of myself before I had the courage to leave him, and find the rest of me once he wasn't in the picture. And the thing is, its hard to reconcile who the hell you are when you spent most of your twenties with someone who told you exactly who he didn't want you to be.

The Ex was famous for pointing out my flaws, insulting me, and telling me to shut the fuck up at least 3 times a day. The person I was when I met him would NEVER have put up with that. But the person I became did. So, I needed time after The Ex to somehow mesh early 20's, bubbly, effervescent me with late 20's, educated, and post-abuse me. It's so strange, I don't know how to explain it. I feel like I don't know the girl I was for seven years. I look back at when we were together and I literally don't recognize myself. I looked and acted completely different. And the change is not complete. I am still finding out who I am. I think Mr. Nice Guy understands that.

We had a long talk the other night about how I want to continue to grow as a person and finish what I started after The Ex. His only fear was me leaving him behind. Which is not something I intend to do. I just want to leave this decade of my life knowing that I learned something and the time I spent with The Ex wasn't a complete waste.

It's hard to come out of a long relationship like that and see past the failures. You tried to love someone and make it work with them, and it didn't work. So, was the time a waste? Or can something be gained through all the time and pain?

It was not a complete failure. I appreciate who I am now, and I will never be her again.